Gaijin Smash

The Final Wall

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on October 10, 2005

I was sitting at my desk after school one Tuesday, when Watson dropped by, sticking his head into the teacher’s room. After the almost obligatory “Watch, please!” “No! Go buy your own!” he started to heckle the other teachers. Noisy Fucker was on his way out, so with Watson blocking the doorway he grabbed some big pole thing that was forked at the end, and used it to push Watson out of the doorway, and pin him against a wall. “This is a good place for you, isn’t it?” Noisy Fucker says. Out of ALL the teachers in the teacher’s room, Watson calls out to me – “Help, help! Come save me!”
It was at this exact moment that I realized Watson lives in his own separate reality, completely different from our own. Given the countless times he’s tried to sexually molest me, AND steal my watch, AND ride me like a horse down the hallways of the school, after ALL of that, of ALL the people in the teacher’s room who he thought could’ve bailed him out of this situation, he turns to me?! Cute, kid. I’d like to visit this alternate reality Bizarro-Universe of yours someday. Just hook me up with a nice teachers discount on airfare, that’s all I ask.
“Help you?” I call out. “I’m rooting for Noisy Fucker on this one!” Watson scowls at me, but eventually Noisy Fucker lets him go and he scampers away. I came to find out that he usually drops by the teacher’s room, sticks his head in, and gives the teachers some form of harassment. Today, all the teachers comment on the slight facial hair he’s starting to grow. Watson is, after all, a sannensei. “I guess he’s growing up.” The Vice-Principal says. There was a slight pause, and the weight of that comment fully sank in. Noisy Gentleman is the first to respond. “Yet somehow, it doesn’t quite feel that way.”
What I love about Noisy Gentleman, is that you can count on him to say what everyone else was thinking but wasn’t going to say.

The next day, I was going back to the teacher’s room from a class, when I ran into Watson again. Like always, he tried to jump on my back and ride me back to the teacher’s room. This time, my arms and legs were badly scratched up from an accident I’d had earlier in the day, and with my English teacher seriously telling him to knock him off, I was able to avoid becoming a Greyhound bus that day. But Watson still lingered around, for what devilish purpose I didn’t know yet.
Before I got to the teachers room, I ran into another sannensei boy, who stopped me with a question.
Boy: Hey, do you know (some kid’s name)?
Me: Hmm. Doesn’t ring a bell.
Boy: You know, (kid’s name)!
Me: Is he a student here?
Boy: No, he’s a student at the School of Peace.
Me: Ah, okay. Well, I know everyone’s face, but names are a little harder…
Boy: Ah, I see. Well, he’s kind of round and pudgy like Watson here…
Watson: I’m pudgy! (He says this with a smile and zest, as if he were proud of it)
Boy: But he’s not an complete ass like Watson…
Watson: Yeah, but he’s not an….HEY WAIT-A-MINUTE!
I couldn’t help but to laugh here.
Watson: (to me) Hey! Don’t laugh at that!
Boy: It’s okay to laugh, because it’s true.
Watson: You guys are mean!
Boy: No, you’re just an ass.
Defeated, Watson runs off at this point. But not before giving me a sharp open-palmed finger-jab to the nuts … What the shit? Is that what we’ve come to now, eh Watson? If you can’t touch it, destroy it? I shunned all the people who emailed me with suggestions of wearing a cup to school, but maybe it was a better idea than I thought. This shit is getting dangerous.
10 years in the future
Me: Honey, I have something to tell you. I’m terribly sorry, but I am unable to produce children.
Wife: Oh my God. Why not? What happened?
Me: Well…ten years ago…a 15-year old Japanese boy jabbed me in the nuts and…I’m sorry, it’s still difficult to talk about…*sob*
Little did I know, this was only the beginning of the end.


14 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. Gennai said, on November 10, 2006 at 9:43 am

    A little bit of armor padding like what football player wear would help protect you against kancho attacks. But since that seems a little extreme, I’d wear the cup at the very least in that situation.

  2. Sekichi said, on November 10, 2006 at 1:26 pm

    If you saw the \”Lost Episodes\” of the Chapelle show- you would notice he has a sketch where he hires Melly Mel to punctuate his statements.
    Maybe you should hire a sort of \”Melly Mel\” to \”punctuate\” your statements.
    You: \”Watson, get off my back.\”
    MM: \”Rrrrah!!\”
    You: \”Watson, so help me god, if you touch my junk again- I will bitch slap you so hard, that Hiroshima will somehow personify itself and say \’God dayumn!\’\”
    MM: \”Rrrrrah! … x2\”
    He\’ll maybe think twice next time… Maybe.

  3. TK said, on November 10, 2006 at 1:56 pm

    So, a kid tried to hit you in the balls. And you allowed him to live. What the hell, man?

  4. Jay said, on November 10, 2006 at 3:09 pm

    you know, since it’s japan… maybe if you did one of those DBZ “20 episode long power-ups” the kids might actually get scared of you… well, other than you being a large black man ;]

  5. Dabby said, on November 10, 2006 at 9:12 pm

    What the hell? I read this stuff ages ago. True, it’s all good and mostly funny, but why is it being posted bit by bit as if it’s happening right now?

  6. Tenkaichi Budokai said, on November 11, 2006 at 2:16 am

    HAHAHAHA! This blog is hiilarious. He really jabbed you in the *nuts*? Woooow

  7. Justanothermom said, on November 11, 2006 at 12:01 pm

    (Dabby: Didn’t you see the original posting date at the top? Drink some coffee or something to wake up before reading, dude.)
    I just love the no-nonsense, call-it-as-he-sees-it attitude of that other boy. Does he show up in other articles, or was this a one-time encounter?

  8. Keaven View said, on November 12, 2006 at 2:09 am

    Well, Mr. Azrael, you’ve definitely got a much different aspect of teaching than I, as I’ve yet to be testicularly attacked by one of my students. I’m a big fan of your blogs, and they inspired me to start my own, based around my adventures in the educational system here in Florida. Take care, good sir.

  9. The Random Fucker said, on November 12, 2006 at 7:15 am

    Shout “Kage Bushin no jutsu” and they will think they are going to be attacked by 1000 Az’s 😛

  10. Anonymous said, on November 12, 2006 at 8:44 am

    I dont think that mass shadow replication works in rl. uve been watching to much anime, u need to go to an AA meeting (Animeists Anonymst.

  11. Anonymous said, on November 12, 2006 at 8:44 am

    I dont think that mass shadow replication works in rl. uve been watching to much anime, u need to go to an AA meeting (Animeists Anonymst.

  12. cutepiku said, on November 12, 2006 at 11:42 am

    TRF was just joking man. He didn’t seriously mean “use that Naruto attack to multiply yourself.”
    Anyways, even if Az really could do that, those kids would have a hay-day.
    Az 123: Oh god, he got my nuts!!
    Az 234: I don’t even wanna mention what happened to me!!
    Az 568: I feel so violated!!
    Az 842: *breaks down into violent sobs*
    (Sorry if that isn’t a Naruto attack. Never watched it, but it sounds like it’s from the show)

  13. Parmenion said, on November 13, 2006 at 12:01 am

    Just finished reading the whole archive, they’re wonderfully written, and kept me in stitches the whole time. A surprising funny and touching eye-opener to Japanese culture.
    On the topic of the latest posts, I’m amazed you’ve managed to keep your cool with the kancho assasin stuff for so long, I suppose huge patience must be one of the requisites for a teaching career.
    At some point I’d probably snap and lecture Watson on molesting your teacher or smacking them in the nuts isn’t right for a 15year old at a volume he wouldn’t forget from a face to face distance of 1 inch.
    Yelling aside, which you’re probably too professional to do, is there really no sort of punishment structure in Japanese schools as you mentioned at the outset? Seems that most of the native teachers use mild corporal punishment on the spot when appropriate, i.e. noisy fucker moving people out of his way, or miss americanised’s 1inch slap etc?

  14. Mendori (It's a long story. I'm not some creepy Japan-fan.) said, on November 16, 2006 at 7:35 am

    So, next time he jabs, just break his fingers.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: