Gaijin Smash

What Big Eyes You Have

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on October 4, 2005

I was at the School of Peace, at my desk translating something, when the Principal came by. This usually results in the entire teacher’s room being in stitches within the next five minutes, as he’s pretty good at giving me shit. But it’s all in good fun, and I guess pretty funny. When I’m done with JET, and he retires from the schools, we both have a career in Japanese comedy just waiting for us.
Anyway he comes over to my desk. “What are you looking at with those big eyes of yours?” he asks. I told him I was translating. “It must be pretty easy, with your big-ass eyes you can see everything at once.”
Japanese people have a serious hang-up about their eye-size. They think they’re small, especially compared to Westerners. Big eyes are considered to be very attractive. This is why anime features such big-eyed people. Some female Japanese TV/Music stars have had surgery to make their eyes bigger. The biggest/most notable being Ayumi Hamasaki, who’s had a surgery or ten. The result of all this is that she no longer looks like a Japanese person, but like some creepy, bug-eyed elf. And not the good elves either, not the ones who bake cookies in trees. The ones who drop from trees and claw your eyes out while sucking your soul away.

Anyway, today Principal Peace was ragging on me about my eye size. He holds up his hands behind my head. “I bet you can see what I’m doing back here, can’t you?” I told him I knew he was waving his fingers back and forth. “Aha!” He says. “Must be your big eyes.” I explained that it wasn’t my Super Gaijin Peripheral Vision (another superpower?) but that I had sensed what he was doing back there. “Working in a junior high school, you NEED to know what’s going on behind you.” I explain.
Principal Peace is intrigued. So I explain to him the dangers of Kancho, and how I’ve developed my senses to be very acutely aware of what is going on behind me. Earlier that same day, I’d had a kid try to get the jump on me, only to be thwarted by my ascended senses as I turned around and caught him walking behind me, bent over, just extending his arms.
“Ah yes,” Principal Peace admits, “it is true that us Japanese are sneaky back-biters.” He points to the teacher sitting to my left, who happens to be an English teacher. “The students are one thing, but you especially need to watch out for this guy. He’s one of those kinds who’ll attack you from behind. Don’t turn your back on him.”
“Hey!” The teacher shouts out, as the other teachers crack up. “Be careful with that, if someone overheard you and didn’t know better they might actually believe some of what you say.”
“Know better? What? You are a back-biter. There’s no mistaking that.” Principal Peace turns to me again. “I hope those senses of yours work for adults too. Cause this guy really likes to play around in the back, if you catch my drift.”
“Hey!” The poor English teacher shouts out, but that was really about all he could do. I mean, what can you do if your boss basically calls you an ass-pirate in front of all your co-workers? There is no comeback for that.
You know, when I was a kid going through school, I used to wonder what kind of stuff went on in the teachers lounge. Now, I’m not so curious anymore.


20 Responses

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  1. Anonymous said, on November 8, 2006 at 1:42 am

    Hee. Ass pirate.

  2. Anonymous said, on November 8, 2006 at 1:42 am

    Hee. Ass pirate.

  3. noholzba said, on November 8, 2006 at 1:46 am

    Yeah, one of my ALTs was explaining a similar situation between him and the photographer who’d come to take the staff photo. After all the business had been taken care of the two of them were just sitting and chatting, when the photographer kind of points at one of the male teachers and says in his broken English “Him. He is the gay! Homo! Gay!”
    I wish I had someone to point them out for me!

  4. Gabe said, on November 8, 2006 at 1:58 am

    Wow, just wow… Getting called out for a pitcher by your boss has got to be against some kind of sexual hara-
    Oh, right, Japan… Sorry I forgot.

  5. Anonymous said, on November 8, 2006 at 4:27 am

    Thanks for re-dating the articles. My only question is why didn’t you start sooner?
    (Az’s Note:
    1. Didn’t know how it would affect this system.
    2. I’ve been terribly busy with many other things.
    3. It was not a priority. Factor that in with 2, and that’s why it got pushed to the backburner.)

  6. Anonymous said, on November 8, 2006 at 4:27 am

    Thanks for re-dating the articles. My only question is why didn’t you start sooner?
    (Az’s Note:
    1. Didn’t know how it would affect this system.
    2. I’ve been terribly busy with many other things.
    3. It was not a priority. Factor that in with 2, and that’s why it got pushed to the backburner.)

  7. baka said, on November 8, 2006 at 7:21 am

    Anime has big eyes but not because of their small eyes complex. First anime titles were inspired from Disney’s early titles and Disney had big eyed characters, that’s why.

  8. Igster said, on November 8, 2006 at 8:36 am

    That’s interesting, I never knew that the japanese had a thing for big eyes. I thought it was just the blonde hair blue eyes. It really is sad how globalization is making this possible.

  9. Marty said, on November 8, 2006 at 11:28 am

    And yet American men have a thing with small-eyed, small breasted Asian woman… ain’t it irony.

  10. Gennai said, on November 8, 2006 at 11:32 am

    “Japanese people have a serious hang-up about their eye-size.”
    I’ve heard about that and it’s actually not true. Their eyes are the same size as everyone elses. It’s just their eye lids. They are slightly bigger and cover more of the eye than everyone else so they seem smaller but they’re really not.
    On the point of japanese people making anime characters with bigs eye, this is a natural law of anime. There are 46 laws of anime, and the fact the anime characters must have big eyes is law #38:
    #38 – Law of Hydrostatic Emission
    Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.
    I have the entire copy of the laws in a .txt file, these laws are quite funny really.

  11. Blinky said, on November 8, 2006 at 11:51 am

    I actually checked out a pic or two of Ayumi (because a friend of mine is SO goddamn in love with her)
    Yeah, she doesn’t look right anymore.

  12. evil_tennyo said, on November 9, 2006 at 3:55 pm

    Lmao! wow thats crazy. i never knew they were so hung up over the big eye thing! but it does make sense when you think about anime…
    lol that’s pretty funny about the principle thing though. its good you were able to shrug it off, most ppl would of been pretty offended.

  13. Fate said, on November 9, 2006 at 8:58 pm

    Nostalgia. I still remember this editorial as the very first one I’ve read on outpostnine. I don’t even remember when; I never did understand all the hoo-hahs regarding the posting dates myself as well, having no particular preference or need for it. But hey, it’s neat, it looks like a cool new feature and everyone loves cool new features (And I’m glad the nagging stopped).
    As for the the large/big eyes issue. I’ll say it has always been a rather popular topic, whether it’s between east-asians chattering about who or what has beautiful/cute/whatever big eyes, or western hemisphereans insisting that asians (Japanese, Chinese, Koreans are whom they refer to. Numerous westerners I’ve been acquainted with either apparently couldn’t tell an Indian from a Chinese, or adding an East to Asian paralyse their tongue, or both.) prefer small/squinty eyes.
    I believe that in the past (And it wasn’t a century ago I am talking about, mind. I’m talking about a decade or half ago.), people living in the western hemisphere tend to believe that East-Asians favour squinty-eyes. I don’t know what gave them the idea; East-Asian Artworks, namely anime/manga-ish artstyle and it’s various counterparts in China and Korea certainly contradicts the idea of favouritism for small eyes. And if that’s not prove enough, there’s always Ayumi.
    Still, the myth lives.

  14. Peter said, on November 14, 2006 at 12:09 pm

    Hey Az, Iv been reading your site for some time now, Iv missed a few here and there but for the most part I am loyal fan. I was wondering what this Ayumi Hamasaki looked like because of the eye surgery. I goggled her name and it came up with a fan site. First off your description of here : Very accurate. But looking at the site under her profile, she has things like measurements, and weight. I could not believe that I don’t see that kind of thing happing here in America or maybe I need to just visit more pop star websites. Thanks for all the laughs. Oh here is the fan site if you want to see what I talking about

  15. Josh said, on February 5, 2007 at 1:32 pm

    I’m curious, have there been any western person changed their eyes to look Asian?

  16. jtrance said, on February 6, 2007 at 7:40 am

    Contrary to what many people are able to accept, Ayumi Hamasaki has not had any plastic surgery. Natural aging, use of make up, “eye glue”, air-brushing, the fact that she has always had large eyes (look for young pictures of her) all contribute to a look, which people are unable to believe could be “achieved” by an asian woman, without the use of plastic surgery.

  17. Michael said, on July 5, 2007 at 6:27 pm

    If you look at Ayumi’s pics when she was younger, it is obvious she has always had big eyes.
    (Az’s Note: And now thanks to her several surgeries, they’re ever bigger.)

  18. Ceri Cat said, on September 26, 2007 at 9:41 am

    Few years ago I was working at a catholic primary school as the groundskeeper and as staff could enjoy my lunch break in the staff lounge if I chose to (often I preferred my equipment shed, quieter with the door shut).
    Before I go further I will point out this had been my primary school so I’d known some of these people as a student not merely now. Heck one of the younger teachers and I had graduated the same year from that school.
    Anyway my principal was pretty friendly to most of the teachers, if a bit hard to talk to. His deputy on the other hand needed a lesson in manners at times with the way he said things not going down well. I’ve got a bad case of foot in mouth disease and even I would hesitate at some of that. My year 2 teacher could swear very well, as evidenced when discussing some of the students antics, which is amazing because outside of that room I’ve never heard her once swear inside or outside of the school and we do bump into each other regularly. And while I never experienced anything like your kancho and dickdodge sessions Az, I’ve seen some pretty queer behaviour. Being propositioned by 10 year old girls is disturbing, almost wherever you’re from. “Come back in six years when you’re not going to get me put in jail.” Or having them deliberately bend over in front of you. At least when they got mouthy I had the option of speaking to their teachers, ah poor buggers they might not have feared the principal but they listened to their teachers. especially coupled with the threat of helping me replant the several dozen seedlings someone had uprooted on me. Doesn’t matter what country you’re in, schoolkids are monsters. And you’re right, the curiousity is best left untouched. Though the worst thing that ever happened while I was there was a rather heated game of darts. Stopped that one by scoring a trio of bulleyes. While the male teachers were trying to figure out how I’d planted three darts in that space they forgot the arguing. Doubt I’ll ever manage such a fluke again though, couldn’t figure it out for myself either.

  19. Anonymous said, on July 20, 2008 at 8:51 pm

    A few years ago a friend pointed out to me that hamasaki has one eye higer than the other. google a picture of her… you didn’t notice it before did you…

  20. Anonymous said, on July 20, 2008 at 8:51 pm

    A few years ago a friend pointed out to me that hamasaki has one eye higer than the other. google a picture of her… you didn’t notice it before did you…

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