Gaijin Smash

Special Delivery

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on August 26, 2005

Next time on Rocky and Bullwinkle, “Special Delivery”, or “My Mom is a Saint”.
(Note – much like The Octopus, this is an especially lewd story. Unlike The Octopus, I give this a PG-13 rating. Proceed at your own discretion).
I was trying to think of some witty or clever way to start this one, but fuck it, I’ll get to the point – condoms in Japan are small.
I’m not trying to make some staggering and broad generalization about the penis size of Japanese men. Nor am I trying to make any boastful claims about the size of my own. All I’m saying is that, for me at least, the condoms they sell here are too small for me.
A few months after dating my ex, I found myself running out of the “just in case…” condoms I’d brought with me from America. I’d tried a few Japanese brands with no luck, and given how expensive one pack is, I didn’t really want to keep buying something that would ultimately become a $3 water balloon. It was clear that I’d need some condoms sent from back home.
The request to send more condoms ultimately fell on my mother. I know, your immediate reaction is “why didn’t you just ask one of your friends?” I had my reasons, which I won’t go into. But I thought long and hard about it (absolutely no pun intended), and no matter how I cut it Mom always remained the best choice. She just happened to be putting together a care package for me she was going to send in the next day or so. The simplest course of action would be to just have her throw in a box or two along with the other stuff. I figured we were both adults and could handle the situation maturely enough. …I’m surprised that after only a few months in the country, I’d already lost that much of my handle of reality.
Y’see, while some of you might be able to get away with this with *your* parents, I certainly could never get away with it with *my* parents.


My parents, the people who would wait to have the Birds and Bees talk with me while we were driving somewhere. Because I can’t escape from a car going 60MPH down the highway. …Although there certainly were times when I gave it some serious thought. “Hmm, well, it always seemed to work fairly well for the A-Team…”
To teach me the Birds and Bees, Dad left a porno in my room once when I was 14 (the porn flick that contains the infamous “gym downstairs” scene for those of you who’ve read the Worst Porn Ever editorial). When I questioned him about it, he simply said “You should watch it…it’ll teach you what goes where.” …In retrospect though, this was fairly genious, and I’m thinking of doing the same if I ever have sons. On the other hand, Mom was always very staunchly anti-porn, a value she tried to instill in me (if only she knew how so very badly she failed…). She used to tell me that porn made Ted Bundy into a serial killer. I was too young to really know about the Ted Bundy murders, so I always wondered if that was some secret character on Married…With Children I hadn’t seen yet. A brother of Al, perhaps?
Anyway, I worked up the courage and gave my mom a call before she sent off my care package.
Me: Hey Mom, I have a very adult question to ask you. I don’t want discussion about it, I don’t want to talk about it, just say “Yes I can” or “No I can’t” and leave it at that. Can you do that?
Mom: Yes.
Me: …Ok. …Ok. So, you’re sending up a care package for me, right? If it’s not too much trouble, could you throw in a box or two of condoms in there as well?
Mom: ……………..Okay.
Me: Thanks.
Mom: ………………………..
Me: …………………………
Mom: ….So, you’re having sex, huh?
Me: See, this is exactly the kind of road I asked you not to go down.
Mom: Okay, okay. ……Well, you are being safe right? Do you need condoms now? Do you want me to send them express overnight?
Me: Just throw them in the care package, that will be fine.
Mom: Okay.
She then asked me the question that NO man should EVER be asked from his mother, EVER.
Mom: Do you need regulars, or magnums?
This is the real reason Oedipus gouged his eyes out, and I gotta say, I felt an urge to do the same.
A week or two later the care package came, and sure enough included inside were two boxes of condoms – lubricated, and extra ribbed. While standing there, holding the condoms my mother had sent from home, I had a disturbing realization.
At some point, my Mom, while standing in the condom aisle of a drugstore buying condoms for her son, had this thought – “Hmm, now which is better? Lubricated is nice…but then again, Extra Ribbed might be fun for her….oh heck, I’ll just get both!”
I dunno what one has to do to qualify for Sainthood, but if this doesn’t cut it I dunno what will. I can just picture her at the register too, and as the clerk scans them Mom will be sure to point out “Oh, those aren’t for me. They’re for my son. He lives in Japan. …You know, the condoms over there are too small.” From that point on, whenever Mom sent me a care package she’d throw in two boxes of condoms, which were always of two different types.
God Bless mothers who look out for their sons.

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36 Responses

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  1. xercess said, on October 27, 2006 at 12:39 am

    …can’t you use the glorious INTERNET?

  2. Sendai Mai said, on October 27, 2006 at 12:48 am

    Az,
    Your condom story is hilarious. I have a one-year old in Japanese daycare here in Sendai. Everyday I have to send supplies for him (bottle, diapers, wipes, etc.). Well, the bottles we have (from the U.S.) come with disposable bottle liners. Apparently, the teachers and staff had never seen anything like this before and didn’t know what to do with them. After a week of picking up my son with dry lips I explained that he will only drink his milk from him bottle, which needed the bottle liners. They were like “Ahhhhhh.” (understanding where the plastic liners went) We laughed and I said that at home people often confuse the bottle liners for condoms in public. All of the teachers gathered and laughed at this, explaining that Japanese men would NEVER be able to fit these “condoms”. I was quite embarrassed an wondered what they must think of my man now that I said this… People tell me my blog of experiences in Japan is funny, but I obviously have absolutely nothing on you! Be careful out there tiger HA HA šŸ˜‰

  3. Sendai Mai said, on October 27, 2006 at 12:51 am

    Hey, what ever happened to those horse condoms you found here? They won’t work???
    My boyfriend brought home a hilarious picture of “Black Underwear” that have extra room in the crotch area for black men that he found at some store here in Sendai. The picture of the sexy, well endowed man on the cover of the merchandise is even funnier.

  4. Sean said, on October 27, 2006 at 12:53 am

    This is one of your funniest posts. Period.

  5. Zach said, on October 27, 2006 at 1:04 am

    Hey Az,
    I don’t know if they had these when you were in Japan, but I found this box of “Big Boy” condoms in a local grocery store. The box has a picture of a horse on it which is close to the funniest thing I have seen since moving here. (btw, there are thousands of weird things to see here from random phrases of badly butchered English to children running around licking penis shaped suckers)
    Here’s the link if you want to see a picture of the box:
    http://wmich.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2068418&id=12119251&l=b8eae

  6. LilaChicaD said, on October 27, 2006 at 1:21 am

    That’s hilarious. When I was in Africa for a research project, my local friends asked me what a vibrator looked like. Apparently they’d never seen one before. I called my mom to ask her to send one for each of my best friends. She just wanted to know which color each friend wanted.

  7. Azrael said, on October 27, 2006 at 1:40 am

    The “horse” condoms – yes, I know. I mention them in one of my OP9 picture editorials, here – http://wmich.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2068418&id=12119251&l=b8eae
    Why didn’t I try them? Well, it’s kind of weird to buy condoms anyway, right? Imagine being a big black guy in Japan, strolling up to the register, and giving Ms. Japanese Housewife a box of horse condoms to ring up.
    I’ve decided I have to do this at least once before I leave, but I gotta work up the courage first. …And find someone with a nice video camera to record the event.

  8. atara said, on October 27, 2006 at 9:08 am

    This is probably a stupid question since you live in the boonies, but aren’t there any Comdomanias near you? It may just be a Tokyo thing, but if there is one around they’re bound to have your size.

  9. The Red-Headed Mexican said, on October 27, 2006 at 9:15 am

    Az,
    Condoms from mom with love. In a very odd way, this condom story was touching. Not in the “these are your special places” kind of way, but in the mom’s love taking care of their sons touching. She’s a good mom and make sure you let her know that next time you see her.
    Keep on keeping on,
    The Red-Headed Mexican

  10. AutumnFire said, on October 27, 2006 at 9:55 am

    God bless your Mom! I remember from this and another post (before the re-postings) that showed just how much she loves and cares for you–even if it boggles your mind.

  11. Jay said, on October 27, 2006 at 11:52 am

    oh sh*t!
    i just clicked that horse condom link right as my mum came in -_-;;
    needless to say, i’m grounded for a bit…

  12. Dargen said, on October 27, 2006 at 3:22 pm

    Az,
    I’ve been reading your editorials for a long time now and they are awesome so keep them coming.
    Have to say, each time it surprises me even more. Ive been lately on a lecture of a sexologist, this person is hilarious as much as you are but any rate he was talking about the sizes of mans penises in deferent cultures and he said its all bull shit and just bunch stereotypes thought often girls come to him and say “Honey, they are big (if its blacks)” but it just goes to show you that even Japanese themselves agree to that fact.

  13. Amused & Confused said, on October 27, 2006 at 6:42 pm

    I love this one, although it’s not quite as funny as some of your other stuff. There’s just one thing that really sticks out..
    Mom: ….So, you’re having sex, huh?
    …How old does your mom think you are?

  14. Amused & Confused said, on October 27, 2006 at 6:42 pm

    I love this one, although it’s not quite as funny as some of your other stuff. There’s just one thing that really sticks out..
    Mom: ….So, you’re having sex, huh?
    …How old does your mom think you are?

  15. mephy said, on October 27, 2006 at 11:03 pm

    so.. were they regulars, or magnums?

  16. Meg said, on October 28, 2006 at 8:06 am

    Oh man, I think I just woke up my entire family laughing…. This is fucking hilarious! You are sooo lucky to have an awesome mom like that. xD But you’re right – Japanese condoms are horridly small, a fact I discovered at a rather, ah, inopportune time. >_> Damn you, small Japanese penises! Ruining drunken fun. //sigh//

  17. Meg said, on October 28, 2006 at 8:07 am

    P.S. Thanks for putting the dates now!

  18. Vanessa said, on October 28, 2006 at 5:27 pm

    Hehe, your mother is quite thoughtful! šŸ˜€ Most of my guy friends’ mothers would slap them from across the world if they were asked to send condoms.
    ..come to think it, my own mom would likely end up asking my brother the very same questions as your mom did. Long live hilariously thoughtful moms!

  19. Fran said, on October 28, 2006 at 9:25 pm

    I remember… ehem being a girl, I’m still a girl, but I meant… the whole mini condom thing. But kudos on your mom thing that was awsome.

  20. Nick said, on October 28, 2006 at 9:50 pm

    Speaking of condominiams. Here in Tokyo someone saw some condos and guess what they called the place? Condom Paradise

  21. Todd said, on October 28, 2006 at 11:46 pm

    You can try the different condoms. My parents are Japanese but I think the American diet changed certain parts of my anatomy to be non-Japan-sized. In fact, I don’t even like the size of the non-latex variety they have in the states.
    But back to Japan: “Happy Family” condoms worked for me in the late 80’s and I heard that “Beach Boy” condoms were a bit larger as well. Or you can get people to send them from the States like you did. I don’t think I’d have the ability to ask my parents for that sort of help.

  22. rain said, on October 29, 2006 at 9:17 am

    magnum baby. magnum. xD

  23. Steve said, on October 29, 2006 at 11:49 pm

    Just pull out. always worked for me and my four kids.

  24. Zupa said, on October 30, 2006 at 10:56 am

    I just use the normal Japanese ones.
    … wait a minute, I mean the horse ones!

  25. Hoopajoo said, on October 30, 2006 at 9:53 pm

    Dude,
    Never forget, your mother always has your back!

  26. mephy said, on October 31, 2006 at 6:19 am

    hell, i was fifteen when i discovered condoms come in different sizes. this was in harajuku, and when i got back home i had TOTALLY LOW EXPECTATIONS of.. size. y’know.

  27. Sapher Elyseon said, on November 2, 2006 at 10:19 am

    Honestly, you kill me! Every time I read one of your strange tales I get afraid of dislocating my jaw from laughing so hard. Do I smell the Nobel for Literature or a Pulitzer? Your tales are revealing, sometimes a little shocking, and downright hilarious.

  28. celesial salamander said, on November 3, 2006 at 7:51 am

    funny

  29. gabby said, on November 4, 2006 at 2:59 am

    how cute is your mum! lol

  30. sherry said, on November 16, 2006 at 2:18 pm

    0.o

  31. monokuro boo said, on December 13, 2006 at 7:50 pm

    I had to send condoms to my sister in Japan because the Japanese ones wouldn’t fit her boyfriend. Must be a common problem.

  32. Corey said, on February 26, 2007 at 12:14 am

    HAHAHAHA very good story.
    If I had to do the same, I don’t know what my mom’s reaction would be, probably the same awkward one as yours was but if i asked my dad he would probably be proud and make a bunch of jokes and ask how hot she was…… yeah. But theres also a possibility of it being another awkward conversation……maybe jokes and awkwardness mixed???

  33. Corey said, on February 26, 2007 at 12:42 am

    Actually I just remembered something, When we (mom and me) were in Sears or something I found a bin of wallets and wanted to get one, They were all the same material, size, colour etc.. but with different pictures on them. I saw one with one of those bikers/truckers kinds of thing (the pictures they have on the back of their tires, with the silloutte of two naked women sitting up against each other) and just laughed at it and resumed browsing. Then my mom notices what I’m doing, starts browsing through the same bin and picks up THAT wallet. “How about this one?” Of course I was completely floored and astonished that my mom wanted me to buy this one.—-“hehe, uhhh, yeah…that ones good, hehe, ok”. So my mom ended up buying it for me and still use it. Although not one single person besides my friends have seen the picture on the front till this day.

  34. Anonymous said, on August 12, 2007 at 3:05 pm

    This would naver happen with my mom. She’s still a virgin, you know…

  35. Anonymous said, on August 12, 2007 at 3:05 pm

    This would naver happen with my mom. She’s still a virgin, you know…

  36. Ceri Cat said, on September 26, 2007 at 8:35 am

    Ah we often have strange ideas about our parents. My ex (the drunk), riled at me for asking my mother to drop around a box from my parents pharmacy (they’re cheaper than anywhere else within walking distance besides the budget pharmacy warehouse out along the highway). While I’m just going ‘what’s wrong with that? I’m pretty sure she’s certain we’re having sex.’ My family have always been unusually open regarding sex and as an adult I consider that a blessing since I went through high school without half the issues regarding sex most teenage boys suffer.
    Easier to believe our parents are mature minded enough to care for your personal safety first, and while I’m not big myself I do know the diameter of the Japanese condoms is too narrow thanks to an ex (thought I was going to have to go to the hospital to get it cut off, how she got it on that far I’ll never know latex isn’t that flexible). AIR the standard circumference of condoms here in Australia is 53mm, a fraction over 2 inches, wonder what the Japanese is?


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