Gaijin Smash

The Light and Darkside of the Force

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on August 16, 2005

I entered the ichinensei classes at the School of Peace for the first time since summer vacation. I didn’t have a chance to have class with Penis Boy, which was actually somewhat of a relief. I did however have class with the boy who’d asked me before “Is it okay to kancho you?”
He sits at the front and I just happened to be standing in front of his desk. He looked up at me, and gave me a thumbs-up. I returned it. Then, he put his hands together in the classic kancho strike, and said “Okay?” I shook my head and said, “No, not okay.” He said “I’ll do it to you later, okay?” Well, there’s an interesting idea. Here’s another one – no. I told him he might “accidentally” end up getting tossed out a window. The ichinensei classes are on the third floor, so this threat had some weight to it. He’s a runt of a kid, but the winds weren’t strong enough that day to deliver a possible Mary Poppins-esque ass-saving, so he dropped the issue.
But still, I’m amazed. “I’ll do it to you later, okay?” The kid’s politeness is off the charts. If nothing else, I have to give him credit for going through the proper channels first before attempting to ram his fingers up someone’s ass. If only all the 12-year olds of Japan could be so considerate. I’m giving serious thought to saying he can, but only if he files the proper paperwork first. Then giving him a series of applications that would make our IRS tax forms look like connect-the-dots. If he ever finished, I’d be long gone. Still, this shit just absolutely floors me.
Later in the class, he turned around in his chair to talk to his friend behind him. He sat on his knees in the chair, and bent over his friend’s desk behind him. For those of you unable to visualize this, basically it meant that he was bent over in front of me, ass all up in the air.
Oh, now he’s just asking for it.
Wait-a-minute, did I seriously just have that thought?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO![/Vader] What is this country doing to me?!


Darth Azrael: Do it. Give in to the Darkside. Give him a well-deserved taste of his own medicine.
Jedi Azrael: Crazy, you must be! Kancho floodgates you will open.
Darth Azrael: Look at that – you will never have such an easy target! Now is the time to establish your superiority! Launch him clear across the room. Search your feelings, you know this to be the right course of action.
Jedi Azrael: This act, if you do, on, will be the shit. Never ending, the attacks will be. Leaving the country, you will be. Out of your suitcase, they will come. Your ass, they will pillage. Afraid? You should be.
In the end (absolutely no pun intended) I did not kancho him, although it was highly tempting. Incidentally, if you’re out one day and just happen to stumble across my sanity, I’d appreciate it much if you’d just send it on back to me. I really miss it.
Barely one week after summer vacation ended, the kids in my schools had term tests. Harsh. I went to the School of Peace after they finished their tests, so I entered their classes just as they were getting their tests back. Much like any other class of school kids, the mood after getting back tests was grim. Especially tests taken *after* a summer vacation.
I went to the ninensei’s class after their tests had already been passed back. I noticed Ultimate Sweetness – she seriously looked like she was on the verge of tears. You could see “Disappointment!” written all over her face, and a few times, she buried her head in her hands in shame. It was like the personification of Bambi the INSTANT he found out his mother had been killed. Holy crap. Did she do THAT badly?
It didn’t make sense though. Ultimate Sweetness was a model student. And this was English! She’s a member of the English club. I’ve seen her give speeches that many Americans probably couldn’t do! What could have happened? Did she choke? Did she burn out over the summer? Did her evil clone kidnap her and ruin her test in her place? (On an aside, the thought of Ultimate Sweetness having an evil clone is absolutely terrifying. If this clone was as evil as Ultimate Sweetness was adorable, she would be ‘The Most Evilest Person to Ever Walk The Earth’. She’d make Cruella Deville look like Mother Teresa.)
The teacher also noticed the students gloom and doom expression, and casually remarked about it to me. I pointed out Ultimate Sweetness. “What could she have possibly done wrong?” I asked. The teacher told me her score on the test – 99.5. She missed half a point because she forgot to add an “o” to Tokyo ONCE. “I met your father at Toky Dome.”
Oh. My. God.
Upon hearing her name, Ultimate Sweetness looks up. The teacher explains what the conversation was about. Ultimate Sweetness smiles. “I made a careless mistake. I’m very sorry for disappointing you! Next time I’ll do my best, I promise! I won’t let you down again.”
If it were possible for arteries to clog up from pure, unadulterated cuteness, I would have dropped dead on the spot from 5 simultaneous heart attacks.
Later, I was giving a talk about what I did for summer vacation. I just could not look at her. She had her hands folded on the desk as she sat perfectly upright, head tilted, smile on her face, as she gave me 110% her undivided attention. She nodded her head at things she knew, and for things she didn’t knew she made a little “Ohhhhhh!” sound as her face displayed an “I just learned something!” look. Much like the sun during an eclipse, I simply couldn’t look directly at it. For those of you familiar with Azumanga Daioh, imagine Chiyo-chan in the penguin suit … times ten.
After the class ended, without me having said anything about it, the teacher said to me, “Did you notice Ultimate Sweetness during your talk? I couldn’t look at her, it was way too cute, I would have fallen out of my chair.” BEHOLD ULTIMATE SWEETNESS’S POWER.
I’d joked around with this teacher that I wanted to kidnap Ultimate Sweetness and make her my own daughter … But not in that way, pervs. The police would find us having a tea party and making stuffed animals. We were talking about Ultimate Sweetness’ broken cuteness after this class, and the teacher casually said “Oh, I told the other teachers about what you said, that you wanted to kidnap Ultimate Sweetness and make her your own daughter.”
Say what now? Dear Lord woman, what have you done?
She said the other teachers’ response was “Oh, that’s dangerous. He just might do it.”
Wonderful. That’s a beautiful notion isn’t it? The big black American Gaijin wants to kidnap the little 13-year old Japanese girl.
But then again, this is Japan, so it may not even be an issue.

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30 Responses

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  1. Danutsu said, on November 3, 2006 at 12:58 am

    Hey, Az, great job posting one every day… I used to check your site every week or so, hoping for new stuff. Now you make me check every day!
    Hell, I couldn’t sleep last night so I sheepishly dragged my laptop into bed, typed your url (about 5 times until I got it right … my eyes weren’t really that open) and sure enough there was new stuff to read. This morning… again.
    Keep it up.
    P.S. How come you have so much time… did you get fired or something?

  2. Anonymouse said, on November 3, 2006 at 2:27 am

    “This act, if you do, on, will be the shit.”
    Thanks for the beverage shooting out my nose, jerk.
    ^__^

  3. Jay said, on November 3, 2006 at 2:43 am

    awww, that’s a good story! i wish there still were innocent girls back here in Orange County -_-;; they’re all sluts here =[

  4. Kosetsu said, on November 3, 2006 at 5:56 am

    Hey… if Ultimate Sweetness has that much control over the faculty, how much control does she have over her peers? o_o;;

  5. Brad said, on November 3, 2006 at 6:13 am

    It took you this long to make an Azumanga reference? I’m baffled.

  6. Meg said, on November 3, 2006 at 6:55 am

    First comment! 😀 ❤ Azumanga Daioh. And no kidnapping (though the tea sounds awfully tempting at the moment).

  7. pogi420 said, on November 3, 2006 at 7:54 am

    quote “OHH MY GOD!”- Osaka
    thats is too good to be true haha. but if its a persoification of chiyo-chan, i guess after seeing her i would want to kill myself to keep my last image in the living world to be the cutest girl in the world.
    seriously Az if if i was in your place, i wouldnt last a minute, i would be deported ASAP for kidnaping
    great stuff man what “would” be better is you can take a photo of ehr and censoring out here eyes so we can get the idea, or get a voice recording of her!
    *melts

  8. Anonymous said, on November 3, 2006 at 7:55 am

    If you kidnapped her it would be like King Kong. You would be all over the news, swatting away little japanese policemen with one hand and holding Ultimate Sweetness in the other.

  9. Anonymous said, on November 3, 2006 at 7:55 am

    If you kidnapped her it would be like King Kong. You would be all over the news, swatting away little japanese policemen with one hand and holding Ultimate Sweetness in the other.

  10. Anonymous said, on November 3, 2006 at 11:01 am

    “Jedi Azrael: This act, if you do, on, will be the shit. Never ending, the attacks will be. Leaving the country, you will be. Out of your suitcase, they will come. Your ass, they will pillage. Afraid? You should be.”
    They will pillage?! Oh. My. GOD!!! Since I was at work I couldn’t laugh at loud, but I was able to manage to snicker quietly.
    Thank you for that fabulous re-post!

  11. Anonymous said, on November 3, 2006 at 11:01 am

    “Jedi Azrael: This act, if you do, on, will be the shit. Never ending, the attacks will be. Leaving the country, you will be. Out of your suitcase, they will come. Your ass, they will pillage. Afraid? You should be.”
    They will pillage?! Oh. My. GOD!!! Since I was at work I couldn’t laugh at loud, but I was able to manage to snicker quietly.
    Thank you for that fabulous re-post!

  12. Blinky said, on November 3, 2006 at 1:11 pm

    See, I was gonna say something along the lines of “thank God I’m low-vision so all their Japanese-heads would blend together” but cuteness like that transcends being able to see it. That would enter my head through my ollifactory senses.. or I’d hear the soundwaves of it… or something.

  13. SharpEyes said, on November 3, 2006 at 1:44 pm

    The Rangers been haveing problems getting troops. Think Japan would mind if we use her and several other “Too sweet to behold” girls for an ad campaign? Heh, seriously, my wife wanted to go to Japan to study child psychology at the schools. Your site, (Luckily saved us from the evil)

  14. Gabe said, on November 3, 2006 at 4:58 pm

    So she is the personification of every Anime that made me almost get insta-diabetis all rolled into one? Good god man, how do you survive.
    On a side note:
    At this point in the Tales of Gaijin, how many of the origional class are still around? I lost track.

  15. Kerii-chan said, on November 3, 2006 at 6:29 pm

    Love the Azumanga Daioh reference 😄 That Kancho boy makes me laugh so hard, hell, I almost wish you’d let him do it just because he actually asked! ^^

  16. Ben said, on November 4, 2006 at 12:32 am

    Is it just me or does doing a gap year in a japanese high school sound like a perfect job for a pedophile?
    I hope they do strict background checks first…

  17. Corey Furzer said, on November 4, 2006 at 2:03 am

    This is my absolute favorite blog. Hopefully when I go to Japan I don’t get kids Kanchoing me.
    Also I found a perfect anime example of the Japanese super fast dissappearing trick. It is in an anime called REC (about a female voice actress starting her career). If you spot it I suggest taking a look.
    Also it would be awsome if your stuff was adapted into a manga/anime form. It would be one of the laugh your butt off comedies.
    Anyways good luck and all. Don’t go to the darkside. Oh, and I think I spotted your sanity for sale the other day at the 99 cent store.

  18. OiishiIchigo said, on November 5, 2006 at 2:22 am

    Have you ever wondered what would happen if one of your kids got shipped to the US somehow, but didn’t know kancho’s were no-no’s?

  19. megan said, on November 5, 2006 at 2:34 am

    KAWAIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. Matt Metford said, on November 5, 2006 at 7:22 am

    I’m almost glad there are no girls like Ultimate Sweetness at any of my schools. There is one ichinensei girl who’s almost impossibly cute, but she’s lazy and mean, so that offsets it.
    And how about this for bad luck: the ALT supervisor at my base school has my e-mail address to contact me. The other night, I started getting e-mails in broken english from one of the stalker girls there. My supervisor gave her my e-mail address. I want to know what planet she’s on that such an act makes sense.

  21. Jake said, on November 6, 2006 at 2:35 pm

    Re. Ultimate Sweetness–pics or it never happened!

  22. Some Guy said, on November 6, 2006 at 8:22 pm

    That’s pretty tight story man…Your stories are kinda my highlight of the day.(Sorry my life is so boring[joke intended]) I wanna know if there is a “Kimura-Sensei” at any of your schools, linking to the Azumanga reference. If so, I would read it a thousand times over and be amazed by such a marvel.
    Great work man! Can’t wait to see more.

  23. anthony901 said, on November 9, 2006 at 12:24 am

    OMG! Chiyo-chan in a penguin suit? That was so cute I tear up even now just thinking about it. TIMES TEN? I would be unable to control myself and; losing control; squeeze/hug her like a small kitten.

  24. HitandRun said, on November 13, 2006 at 4:55 am

    “She said the other teachers’ response was “Oh, that’s dangerous. He just might do it.”
    Wonderful. That’s a beautiful notion isn’t it? The big black American Gaijin wants to kidnap the little 13-year old Japanese girl.”
    Oh, god, the last thing you need is people thinking you are a big, bad gaijin lolicon.

  25. KniVeskun said, on January 18, 2007 at 10:17 pm

    Yeah, I’ve actually been feeling Azumanga all over these. I just came across this today and have already read half of the stories. Every one I finish I say to myself, “Damn, if they made this into an anime and Azuma did the artwork, it just might beat out Azumanga Daioh in hilarious cuteness!”

  26. Corey said, on February 19, 2007 at 3:18 am

    OH MY GOD I MUST SEE THE ULTIMATE CUTENESS OF ULTIMATE SWEETNESS!!! and i don’t mean that in any possibly dirty way.

  27. ModsOperandi said, on April 3, 2007 at 11:07 am

    You see…now whenever you talk about ultimate sweetness, I’m going to see chiyo-chan in my head.
    and now i’m going to wonder what her father looks like too. -.-;;
    I almost squealed though. She sounds so adorable!

  28. Marko said, on April 24, 2007 at 11:52 pm

    You really gotta get a picture of Ultimate sweetness up so we can see the cuteness 🙂

  29. Dran said, on August 13, 2007 at 5:31 pm

    “Dear Lord woman, what have you done?”
    The way that line came across in my head made me crack up… And for some reason, I went into a laughing fit, I haven’t found anyhing else on GaijinSmash.net nearly as funny as that yet. (And that’s saying alot!)
    As for Ultimate Sweetness, would you say that her cuteness made the endless games of Kancho and DodgeDick worthwhile? 🙂

  30. Emily said, on August 18, 2007 at 3:46 pm

    Whenever you talk about Ultimate Sweetness… I always think of Chiyo-chan. I can’t help it.
    and now that you say that she’s 10x cuter… I’m kind of frightened.


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