Azrael Goes to Tokyo, Part 3
After TGI Friday’s, my friends and I hit the strip and started looking for a good place. We checked out the place I’d gone to the night before, but my friends (and I) weren’t feeling it, so we wandered around some more. We found a place with a lot of people in front of it called Club 911, and it looked bumping, so when the Africans came to usher us in we let them.
The place was crowded. Really, really crowded. You couldn’t really dance without stepping on toes or elbowing someone in the face, so we just kinda swayed back and forth. People were pushing and shoving all over the place. At one point, I was grinding on this girl for 10 minutes… completely accidentally. She was getting pushed from one direction, me from another, and there was absolutely no where else to go. Hey, sure, a little accidental freak never hurt.
However, my feet were still wrecked, and I was getting pretty tired. It was somewhere around 1AM on the second day I woke up at 5AM after not really getting any sleep.
Az’s Travel Tip #19 – Any travel day where you wake up at 5AM will involve you taking a lot of afternoon naps, and ultimately going to bed early.
I decided to take a break, and went outside.
Az’s Legs: Hi. Remember us?
Az: Yeah, I haven’t forgotten you guys.
Legs: You sure? We mean, we thought the blisters and constant pain signals we’ve been sending you the past day were getting through, but instead of resting us now you’re dancing?!
Az’s Penis: Hey! I’ve lost all readings on my Girl Radar… are we outside?!
Az: Take it up with the downstairs crew.
Az’s Penis: What the fuck? We’re not gonna get any out here! Get back in that club!
Az’s Legs: Even if we did, it’s not like the big guy is gonna come through.
Az: Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?
Az’s Penis: It means, you’re a big black guy in Japan and not getting laid on a regular basis. How lame are you?
Az: …Ouch. That was below the belt.
Az’s Penis: It had to be said.
Az’s Heart: C’mon guys, let’s not bicker like this. I know everyone’s hurting and tired.
Az’s Penis: I’m not, I’m ready and raring…
Az’s Heart: Yeah… like I said, everyone’s tired, but we came all the way out here, let’s go back in and give it our best shot, ok?
Az’s Legs: Well, I guess we can hold out a little bit longer…
Az’s Heart: That’s the spirit! Now c’mon everyone, let’s go!
Az’s Eyes: Waitasec though, something’s up…
Meanwhile, one of the African bouncers from inside the club escorted these two drunk, belligerent white guys out. The white guys were screaming about how they’re not done partying and they were macking on these girls or something, but the black guy tells them they’re done for the night, at least here. Three other black guys from outside come to help out. As they tried to escort the white guys away, the white guys got more and more pissed. “Don’t you fuckin’ touch me!” they screamed while getting in the black guys faces.
Az’s Anxiety: Uh-oh. This looks serious.
Az’s Eyes: Are you kidding? This is awesome! This is the kind of stuff we usually download off the internet! “Two drunk white guys get OWNED by Unbridled Negro RAGE! (vid inside)” Now we’ve got front row seats!
Az’s Anxiety: Yeah, but so far we’re the only black guy not involved. And to two drunk whiteys, they’re not gonna care which black guy they start swinging at…
Az: Hmm. You have a point. We might need to defend ourselves pretty soon here. Hey legs, think you got any Tekken 5 moves left in you?
Az’s Legs: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s a good one, Chief. Maybe if you’d given us some decent rest. The best we can do for you now is Battle Arena Toshinden.
Az: The first one?
Az’s Legs: Yup.
Az’s Penis: C’mon! Just walk around them and go back in! Everyone else is.
Az’s Anxiety: Yeah, but the second we walk up there will be the second punches start flying. Let’s just wait it out.
Az’s Eyes: I don’t wanna miss this either.
Az’s Penis: Oh fine.
Some girl came out of the club and succeeded in getting the two white guys calmed down somewhat. They started to walk away, and I found myself relieved that I wasn’t suddenly in the middle of a Roppongi street fight. However, as they were walking away, one of the Africans started taunting them, which caused them both to stop. One of them turned around and started walking back.
Az’s Anxiety: Fuckin-a, why’d you do that? Just let them leave already!
Az’s Eyes: Sweet, the fight still might happen!
Az’s Brain: No way. Two drunk white guys against 4 big-ass Africans? No one’s THAT stupid, even drunk. They’re just fronting.
Az: Yeah, but we should still be prepared for the worst. Legs? Still at Toshinden?
Az’s Legs: You wish. We’re at Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi now. …With a faulty X button.
The white guys eventually did leave, and while the black guys were still pretty hot, it looked like street violence would be averted, for the moment at least.
Az’s Anxiety: Ok, they’re gone. We can go back in now.
Az’s Penis: Fuck yeah! Now let’s go get at least one cheap whore for the night.
Az’s Legs: We’ll do our best.
Az’s Penis: Great, we’re all on the same page! Let’s go!
Az’s Penis: Um, we’re not moving.
Az’s Brain: Don’t look at me, I sent the proper signals.
Az’s Legs: We’re ready, but we haven’t gotten any commands yet.
Az’s Heart: Guys, I’m really tired.
Az’s Penis: …FUCK! THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Az: C’mon, calm down already. What are you so worked up about anyway? I got you some last month.
Az’s Penis: Yeah, that was last month. And when was the last time before that?
Az’s Penis: That’s right. 4 fuckin’ months man.
Everyone: (sigh) Here we go again.
Az’s Penis: You used to hit me up everyday. Everyday! Now suddenly it’s this 4 months crap, this is bullshit! You put me in harm’s way every weekday with those kids grabbing at me and stabbing at me and you’re not even capitalizing on the plentiful resources that are out there! Is this any way to say “I’m sorry”?! You got me addicted and now you’re taking it away?! I need the smack man, I gotta have it.
Az: Look, I’m doing the best I can…
Az’s Brain: If nothing else, our friends are still in there. They might be looking for us, so we should go back in at least for them.
Az’s Heart: Yeah, I wouldn’t want them to worry about us. We should go back.
Az’s Penis: Alright! Now we’re talking! Everyone BACK IN!
I went back inside to look for my friends. I found one sitting at a table near the back. He wasn’t really feeling this place, so we found the other friend and left. We wandered around, aimlessly looking for a good spot, and decided on some Motown club. This place was much smaller, and considerably less packed, but still crowded. The crowd also seemed a bit older. I wasn’t into it at all, but my friends wanted to stay for at least a drink.
Friend: Hey Az, you want a drink?
Me: (I nod yes)
Me: (I nod yes)
Friend: Drink? You want a drink?
Friend: You sure?
Me: (getting annoyed) Yes.
Friend: You want a drink?
Me: I said yes.
Friend: You sure? Drink?
Me: I SAID YES MOTHERFUCKER! ASK ME THAT AGAIN! I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, ask me one more goddamn time.
Friend: …ok I’ll get you a drink.
After getting my drink, I tried to look for some lockers to put my bag in. As I tried to make my way through, I was getting the life shoved out of me.
Az’s Heart: SHOVE ME AGAIN MOTHERFUCKERS AND JUGGERNAUT WILL FLATTEN ALL OF YOU.
Everyone: …Oh shit.
Az’s Brain: Alert Stage 2! We’re jumping straight to Alert Stage 2! Legs!
Az’s Legs: Tekken 5. Right.
Az’s Watch: Whoa, hold on, what’s going on here?
Az’s Anxiety: Oh yeah, you’re new ’round here, aren’t you?
Az’s Brain: Now, Heart doesn’t snap often, in fact it’s very rare. But when he does snap… it’s not pretty.
Az’s Anxiety: Ever wonder why our closet door is bent? That was the last time Heart lost it.
Az’s Brain: And remember the infamous ex-girlfriend?
Az’s Watch: …You mean?
Az’s Watch: Holy shit.
Luckily, I made it into an open space before I got pushed again. One of my friends joined me. We were drinking our beers, when these two girls came up in front of us. …They looked like full-grown midgets. You know how midgets, in addition to the diminutive size, just have funny looking bodies and faces? That’s what these girls looked like, except at normal size. They took each other’s hands and started dancing…if you can call it that. It involved a lot of clumsy stepping and twisting and turning and it looked like someone was turning the pages of a flip animation book in front of us, but the pages weren’t aligned correctly.
Az’s Heart: Heh heh, that’s really goofy looking.
Everyone: He laughed!
Az’s Brain: Okay, seems like some of the tension had slacked off. I’m gonna lower the alert level, but only to Stage 1. We’re still on alert guys, stay sharp.
The two midget whores scampered away somewhere. Next to me, a decent-looking Japanese woman came and sat on a stool, and I guess the guy she’d picked up that evening followed – some Brazilian Sopranos looking guy. If you could make Fat Tony from the Simpsons into a real life person, it would have been him. Meanwhile, another drunk, angry white dude came up and started to get into Fat Tony’s face. He was yelling something, but was too drunk to be intelligible. I think maybe he thought Fat Tony stole his girl or something. Fat Tony was real casual about it, just throwing out his arms and saying something like, “That’s life, go find a new whore”. Meanwhile, some black dude came over and started physically restraining the drunk white guy.
Keep in mind that this is happening, again, within a meter of me.
With the black dude between them, Fat Tony figured it’s no longer his problem and turned his attention back to the girl. The girl had now taken to humping her chair. No, I don’t mean she was dancing on top of the chair. No no no. She was riding that bitch cowgirl, as if there was a penis on that stool and there was no tomorrow. Bouncing it, grinding it, thrusting into it… I’ve seen porn stars fucked less hard than that stool was.
Yes, I was a bit envious of the chair.
Drunk White Guy #3 got particularly loud, and Fat Tony turned back to give him another “get over it” shrug. He and ChairDancer then started dancing. No, I take that back. They weren’t dancing…I don’t know what you could call that. The best I can do is “dry-humping with a lot of twirling.” The black dude got Drunk White Guy #3 to calm down and have a cigarette. Before I could see where this all went next, my friends decided to leave again.
We ended up at another club, but at this point I was completely exhausted. I ended up falling asleep at the bar until my friends came and found me around 4AM. We left, and I slept in my friend’s car for about an hour, before going back to Tokyo Station and heading home.
After all is said and done, I can only impart a few simple things from my experiences in Tokyo: never carry murder weapons in your bag, wet-wipes are a wonderful alternative to showering, and always carry some sort of blister-popping tool with you. Oh, and don’t eat chili dogs for breakfast, that just ain’t right.