Gaijin Smash

Azrael Goes to Tokyo, Part 1

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on July 1, 2005

I had no work one Thursday and Friday while the kids took their midterm exams. So I headed up to Tokyo. A friend was there for a work conference, and I kind of wanted to get away. Otherwise, I made no arrangements– simply packed some essentials in a bag, scribbled down the names of places I’d like to see on a piece of paper, and took off.
I took an overnight bus which put me at Tokyo Station on Thursday at 5AM. I spent the next hour looking for a bathroom. Despite being the largest train station in Japan, it is disturbingly devoid of bathrooms. When I finally found one, it was CLOSED UNTIL 7:30. “Fuck you!” I said aloud. Once I finally gave up and just decided to go on with my trip, I immediately found one open.
My first stop was Tokyo Tower, where I napped on the benches outside until it opened. Once inside I silently prayed to myself that Godzilla wouldn’t attack that day. I kind of think Japanese people secretly hate the Tokyo Tower, because it’s always the first thing to get taken out if Godzilla/aliens from the Dark Kingdom/invading forces come to Japan. At one point, I was in an elevator full of little old Japanese ladies who were literally half my height. Seriously, their heads came up to about my belt. It was then that I realized that I was Godzilla, and since I had no plans of attacking I had nothing to worry about.
I also visited a temple in the area, went to see the Yokohama port, took a nice afternoon nap in a park, and toured to a Ramen Museum. When I met up with my friend and his Japanese friend, they were partied out from the night before and planned to just take it easy. This was my first night, so I wanted to go out. I stayed while they had dinner (I was stuffed from the ramen), and played around in an arcade for a bit, then I went to Roppongi to go clubbing.
For those of you who have never been to Roppongi…God does not exist in Roppongi. There is no God out there, that nigga gone fishing. There are African guys lined up all down the street, trying to usher you into some club or sex shop. Just look at them and they’ll start walking with you trying to get you into their club. Add to that a plethora of sleazy foreigners and dirty Japanese tricks, and you have the God-less Roppongi.
Well, at least the club/party section, I hear the residential parts are quite nice.

I dumped my bag off at the club I planned to go to and went to a nearby McDonalds for a strawberry shake. I took a seat, and soon after this guy in a business suit came in, followed by two crack-whore looking Japanese women. He gave them his business cards, and it was apparent this was some kind of arranged first meeting. Curiosity got the best of me. I listened in on their conversation.
I couldn’t hear all of it very well, but from what I could gather, the guy was trying to recruit these girls for either porn movies, or the hostess industry. At one point, one of the girls said, “But, all my past boyfriends have complained that I’m a cold fish in bed”. The guy assured her that this was ok. Then, both girls said they didn’t want to have sex with old men. The guy asked how old, and they said over 50 was a bit excessive. The guy told him that 50 year olds weren’t that common, and they offered an extra 10% pay increase if they have to fuck any guys over 40. The girls seemed satisfied over this. The guy told them they could start tomorrow, which thrilled them. He then got a phone call, which on his end went a little something like: “Two more…how old? …Seventeen? Great! Perfect. Hold them right there, I’ll be finishing up here in about ten minutes I think.” They were talking quite loudly. Even if they assumed I couldn’t understand their Japanese conversation, they were talking loud enough for all the other Japanese people to listen in if they were so inclined.
I finally headed to the club, which was a sausage-fest at first– at least 5 guys to every girl. The few girls that were there were horrid. There were three standing in front of me… one was an outstanding whore. Not only was she wearing a whore’s uniform, she had Captain’s studs on it. The second was chubby. Eh, not that that’s a bad thing (I like my women with some meat on ’em, and living in Japan I’ve really come to appreciate that). It’s just that she was obviously a club slut, so I hold it against her. The third was a grandma. Literally, this woman looked old, I’d say not a day younger than 45 at least. Granted, I have nothing against older women, but she was clearly up there a few years. And a club slut.
I started to think about a theory I’d been working on earlier in the day. We have a very clear and distinct rating system for attractive girls… but we don’t really have anything for the other end. I was thinking of a beer scale, as in how many beers would it take for you to actually want to hit it. I figured we’d use 3 beers as the norm – whoever you wouldn’t fuck sober, you still wouldn’t fuck 3 beers later. Only after 4 beers would the goggles start working. So if you said “Man, that’s a 4 beer chick”, it would mean she’s the best of the worst, something like that. A 12-beer chick then, would be absolutely appalling.
Anyway, Captain Whore went around standing next to random guys, waiting for them to talk to her. This left Chubbs and Grammama sitting next to some dopey looking white guy, Goober. I got a beer, but it tasted nasty so I downed it quickly and bought another. Grammama went off somewhere, leaving Chubbs by herself. I took a good look at her and thought “You know, her face is kind of cute though.”
…Oh God, did I actually just think that?!
I despaired at myself for a moment. This was only my second beer! What was wrong with me! But, wait! I forgot, I’d had two beers with my friends during dinner. Ah, there we go. I was actually on my fourth beer. Wow, the system works surprisingly well! I was pleased with myself over my findings.
Goober finally worked up the courage to start talking to Chubbs. It didn’t take long for Chubbs to start holding his hand.
“Dude, if you’d talked to her first that could have been you…”
Did I just think that again!? Holy shit! This is bad. Real bad. I gave a silent thanks to Goober for taking her away before I did something stupid. Meanwhile, Grammama came back to find Chubbs and Goober busy, and silently became the third-wheel.
“You know, Grammama kind of has a decent rack…”
Ho-oly fuck! I need to move, NOW. I picked a different area of the club to loiter around in. Later, more girls did show up, mostly of the Garden Slut variety. There were a few I could have talked to, but at this point I was just out of it. I’d been up since 5 in the morning, touring around all day, and my feet hurt quite a bit from walking around so much. I decided to just leave the club.
I didn’t have a hotel room. I was sort hoping my lodging situation would take care of itself, which would have been cool. Since that didn’t happen I was now a vagabond. I saw Tokyo Tower off in the distance. Well, it was good to me before… why not? I walked back there, to the benches I’d slept on before. Using my bag as a pillow, I decided to just sleep there. There were some youngsters hanging out, but I really didn’t think much of them as I went into a light sleep. Little did I know my night wasn’t quite over yet…
To Be Continued…


19 Responses

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  1. Morten said, on October 2, 2006 at 12:57 pm

    Great stuff as usual! πŸ™‚

  2. vattu- said, on October 2, 2006 at 1:48 pm

    Woah, nice az πŸ™‚ Was this your first time at Tokyo?
    anyways, great stuff you got.. and im just hella excited to find out what happens on part 2 πŸ™‚

  3. Sekichi said, on October 2, 2006 at 2:07 pm

    The beer system that 4 beers to make slightly fugly girls look a bit attractive is 3 to the average man. Granted you are around 200 pounds. I’m guessing the cliff hanger on this one is… mugged? Yakuza recruiting?

  4. TheGreatCornholio said, on October 2, 2006 at 2:50 pm

    Interesting story, Az. Its a refreshing break from the insanity of your classes. Now we get to see how insane the night life of Japan is. Or from the ordeal of the sluts, how much America and Japan have in common…

  5. Phoenix said, on October 2, 2006 at 2:55 pm

    Hey Az. It’s great to see you putting up all of your old stories again. I read majority of them when you had them up on Outpost9, and I must say, they still make me crack up.
    I just got out of high school a year ago, and took 2 years of Japanese while in there. Man, was my sensei strict. She even popped one of my fellow classmates on the arm with a ruler because she was trying to get him to say arm. Those were some good times.
    Anyways, it was good to revisit your editorials, and I hope you’ll be able to get the rest up with ease, and no complaints from other people. Ja ne.

  6. Cameron said, on October 2, 2006 at 3:29 pm

    How does the story conclude?!?”?”
    Find out next week on… GAIJIN SMASH.

  7. chaosrainz said, on October 2, 2006 at 3:45 pm

    uh oh!
    You should add the theme from Jaws to this post. lol
    Hurry and write the conclusion before we die of suspense.
    (shows you how my life is)

  8. AutumnFire said, on October 2, 2006 at 4:25 pm

    When I first read this post in your previous archives, the ‘sausage fest’ comment completely slipped by. I caught it this time. Damn, you make me laugh! It’s just great. Thanks for writing them.

  9. Steve said, on October 2, 2006 at 7:31 pm

    Gotta watch out with the sleeping in random places, I saw a dude get kancho’d two digits deep and then the girl started poking his balls on a boat. However in kumamoto city, its apparently safe enough to sleep in cars in parking garages Ive done that a few times. Just that keicars are a bitch tho. Looking for to hearing the rest.
    Amakusa-shi, Kumamoto

  10. Ultimatedragoon said, on October 2, 2006 at 11:24 pm

    this story seems disturbingly familiar. didn’t this happen once already? 0.o the next one says that the cops come and some shit goes down right?

  11. jeremy said, on October 2, 2006 at 11:42 pm

    hey az, shoulda let me know, I’m near tokyo, woulda shown you around

  12. Tekkarath said, on October 3, 2006 at 12:25 am

    Great, just great. I remember the ‘Az internal commentary’ from either the next or third installment almost killing me with laughter when I first read it.
    Still just awesome, no matter how many times I read it.

  13. mike said, on October 4, 2006 at 4:43 pm

    Please, some new material. Surely something interesting has happened to you in the past year, I HOPE………………………..

  14. Schtevo said, on October 5, 2006 at 11:58 am

    Yeah, I was out in Roppongi on Thursday, dodging the Nigerian’s yelling “Hey buddy, titties and beer, titties and beer!” I think I know which club you visited…a famous one with a lot of red paint? I never have a good time at famous clubs, you need to hit up the mediocre ones, less annonymous, less sluts, easier to get a freakin’ drink.

  15. Alexandra said, on October 8, 2006 at 5:50 am

    Heh, I totally understand all this. I did my study abroad at Temple University in Azabu Jyuu-ban and our student housing was in Akasaka, so every day I walked to school by cutting through Roppongi.
    I remember the first week that I was in Japan, I had heard how safe it was, but surely the sleazy parts of town must be slightly more sketchy, right?
    Well, I crossed Roppongi Crossing, and directly across from the Almond was an American GI passed out on the sidewalk, and I mean SPRAWLED out… with his passport sitting on the ground about 5 feet away from him. It was 10 am the next morning, and no one had so much touched him OR the passport.

  16. evil_tennyo said, on December 15, 2006 at 9:35 pm

    awww cliffhanger! omw to the next one!

  17. Taylor said, on February 15, 2007 at 9:13 pm

    I experienced the Africans pulling me into places while I was touring Tokyo with my class. They were trying to get me to go into their shops and look at their hip-hop clothes/shoes. Since I was black and was carrying a bag from another shop on the street I kept getting called out and even had some of them run up to me inviting me to their shop. I gave the bag to my friend that I was walking with(she is white) and the invites dropped significantly.

  18. Anonymous said, on February 29, 2008 at 11:56 am

    Oh come the hell on. We all know by now that the mysterious continuation of this cliffhanger would be a not-really-surprising-at-all surprise Kancho-ing from the punks.
    Regardless, you were a big black man. Sleeping. On a bench. In public. In a park/tourist attraction. Did any of that strike anyone as completely out of character?

  19. Anonymous said, on February 29, 2008 at 11:56 am

    Oh come the hell on. We all know by now that the mysterious continuation of this cliffhanger would be a not-really-surprising-at-all surprise Kancho-ing from the punks.
    Regardless, you were a big black man. Sleeping. On a bench. In public. In a park/tourist attraction. Did any of that strike anyone as completely out of character?

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