Azrael Goes to Tokyo, Part 1
I had no work one Thursday and Friday while the kids took their midterm exams. So I headed up to Tokyo. A friend was there for a work conference, and I kind of wanted to get away. Otherwise, I made no arrangements– simply packed some essentials in a bag, scribbled down the names of places I’d like to see on a piece of paper, and took off.
I took an overnight bus which put me at Tokyo Station on Thursday at 5AM. I spent the next hour looking for a bathroom. Despite being the largest train station in Japan, it is disturbingly devoid of bathrooms. When I finally found one, it was CLOSED UNTIL 7:30. “Fuck you!” I said aloud. Once I finally gave up and just decided to go on with my trip, I immediately found one open.
My first stop was Tokyo Tower, where I napped on the benches outside until it opened. Once inside I silently prayed to myself that Godzilla wouldn’t attack that day. I kind of think Japanese people secretly hate the Tokyo Tower, because it’s always the first thing to get taken out if Godzilla/aliens from the Dark Kingdom/invading forces come to Japan. At one point, I was in an elevator full of little old Japanese ladies who were literally half my height. Seriously, their heads came up to about my belt. It was then that I realized that I was Godzilla, and since I had no plans of attacking I had nothing to worry about.
I also visited a temple in the area, went to see the Yokohama port, took a nice afternoon nap in a park, and toured to a Ramen Museum. When I met up with my friend and his Japanese friend, they were partied out from the night before and planned to just take it easy. This was my first night, so I wanted to go out. I stayed while they had dinner (I was stuffed from the ramen), and played around in an arcade for a bit, then I went to Roppongi to go clubbing.
For those of you who have never been to Roppongi…God does not exist in Roppongi. There is no God out there, that nigga gone fishing. There are African guys lined up all down the street, trying to usher you into some club or sex shop. Just look at them and they’ll start walking with you trying to get you into their club. Add to that a plethora of sleazy foreigners and dirty Japanese tricks, and you have the God-less Roppongi.
Well, at least the club/party section, I hear the residential parts are quite nice.
I dumped my bag off at the club I planned to go to and went to a nearby McDonalds for a strawberry shake. I took a seat, and soon after this guy in a business suit came in, followed by two crack-whore looking Japanese women. He gave them his business cards, and it was apparent this was some kind of arranged first meeting. Curiosity got the best of me. I listened in on their conversation.
I couldn’t hear all of it very well, but from what I could gather, the guy was trying to recruit these girls for either porn movies, or the hostess industry. At one point, one of the girls said, “But, all my past boyfriends have complained that I’m a cold fish in bed”. The guy assured her that this was ok. Then, both girls said they didn’t want to have sex with old men. The guy asked how old, and they said over 50 was a bit excessive. The guy told him that 50 year olds weren’t that common, and they offered an extra 10% pay increase if they have to fuck any guys over 40. The girls seemed satisfied over this. The guy told them they could start tomorrow, which thrilled them. He then got a phone call, which on his end went a little something like: “Two more…how old? …Seventeen? Great! Perfect. Hold them right there, I’ll be finishing up here in about ten minutes I think.” They were talking quite loudly. Even if they assumed I couldn’t understand their Japanese conversation, they were talking loud enough for all the other Japanese people to listen in if they were so inclined.
I finally headed to the club, which was a sausage-fest at first– at least 5 guys to every girl. The few girls that were there were horrid. There were three standing in front of me… one was an outstanding whore. Not only was she wearing a whore’s uniform, she had Captain’s studs on it. The second was chubby. Eh, not that that’s a bad thing (I like my women with some meat on ’em, and living in Japan I’ve really come to appreciate that). It’s just that she was obviously a club slut, so I hold it against her. The third was a grandma. Literally, this woman looked old, I’d say not a day younger than 45 at least. Granted, I have nothing against older women, but she was clearly up there a few years. And a club slut.
I started to think about a theory I’d been working on earlier in the day. We have a very clear and distinct rating system for attractive girls… but we don’t really have anything for the other end. I was thinking of a beer scale, as in how many beers would it take for you to actually want to hit it. I figured we’d use 3 beers as the norm – whoever you wouldn’t fuck sober, you still wouldn’t fuck 3 beers later. Only after 4 beers would the goggles start working. So if you said “Man, that’s a 4 beer chick”, it would mean she’s the best of the worst, something like that. A 12-beer chick then, would be absolutely appalling.
Anyway, Captain Whore went around standing next to random guys, waiting for them to talk to her. This left Chubbs and Grammama sitting next to some dopey looking white guy, Goober. I got a beer, but it tasted nasty so I downed it quickly and bought another. Grammama went off somewhere, leaving Chubbs by herself. I took a good look at her and thought “You know, her face is kind of cute though.”
…Oh God, did I actually just think that?!
I despaired at myself for a moment. This was only my second beer! What was wrong with me! But, wait! I forgot, I’d had two beers with my friends during dinner. Ah, there we go. I was actually on my fourth beer. Wow, the system works surprisingly well! I was pleased with myself over my findings.
Goober finally worked up the courage to start talking to Chubbs. It didn’t take long for Chubbs to start holding his hand.
“Dude, if you’d talked to her first that could have been you…”
Did I just think that again!? Holy shit! This is bad. Real bad. I gave a silent thanks to Goober for taking her away before I did something stupid. Meanwhile, Grammama came back to find Chubbs and Goober busy, and silently became the third-wheel.
“You know, Grammama kind of has a decent rack…”
Ho-oly fuck! I need to move, NOW. I picked a different area of the club to loiter around in. Later, more girls did show up, mostly of the Garden Slut variety. There were a few I could have talked to, but at this point I was just out of it. I’d been up since 5 in the morning, touring around all day, and my feet hurt quite a bit from walking around so much. I decided to just leave the club.
I didn’t have a hotel room. I was sort hoping my lodging situation would take care of itself, which would have been cool. Since that didn’t happen I was now a vagabond. I saw Tokyo Tower off in the distance. Well, it was good to me before… why not? I walked back there, to the benches I’d slept on before. Using my bag as a pillow, I decided to just sleep there. There were some youngsters hanging out, but I really didn’t think much of them as I went into a light sleep. Little did I know my night wasn’t quite over yet…
To Be Continued…