Gaijin Smash

Michael Jackson Juice, Revisited

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on June 28, 2005

Forehead of Steel teacher (also known as Ms. Big Headed Boyfriend) came over to my desk to talk about the lesson plan for the sannensei this week. It’s the “Would you like another piece of cake?” lesson, which of course instantly reminded me of the “Michael Jackson Juice” incident from last year’s sannensei. I started to laugh about it, and she laughed as well even though she didn’t really know why she was laughing.
I later told her the MJ Juice story, and showed her the picture I’d taken with my phone. She actually remembered it, since it took place in her class. She told me she had asked the two girls what in the sam hill MJ Juice was. Apparently, it’s really sweet… oh! and strawberry flavored.
I. Really. Don’t. Want. To. Know.


Ms. Forehead of Steel and I were talking a bit about Michael Jackson, and she commented on how a long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away), he looked very different. “Yeah, that’s when he was actually black.” I said. “Yes,” she said, “now he is very white. Maybe that’s what Michael Jackson Juice is… it’ll turn you white.”
At long last the mystery has been solved! Michael Jackson Juice is apparently bleach. Strawberry flavored bleach. With the power to make a cute little negro boy into a haggard-looking creepy old white woman with a tender spot for young boys. Not your mother’s Clorox, nosirsee Bob.
Ms. Forehead then asked me to never ever drink MJ Juice, and please stay black. Shit, don’t have to ask me twice. Later, I saw Ms. Forehead telling Ms. Americanized about the MJ Juice. The look on her face was absolutely hilarious– a cross between befuddlement and pure, abject horror. I asked Ms. Americanized about it later, and she said, “Michael Jackson Juice… I don’t want it.”
It’s official. Three out of three English teachers do NOT recommend MJ Juice for a long, healthy lifestyle.

* * *

I was talking to Ms. Americanized about the news. Japanese news is… well… special. I don’t know about the news in other countries, but in America, our top stories are dominated by how many people were killed in what horrible crime. Or, some horrible accident, and how many people were killed in the process. Or, old Mrs. Henderson’s cat was stuck in a tree, and how many people were killed in the process.
Japan doesn’t have nearly the murders or the crime that America does. Japan does have crime, but they don’t particularly like to talk about it. Sure, you get the big news stories, but all the little ones are kind of ignored. So the news ends up being much tamer, like, “Synchronized Swim Team Conducts Another Successful Practice,” and “Little Boy Loses His Cat Under a Car,” and “What People Are Eating in Their Box Lunches.” These are actual stories I’ve seen on the news.
The previous day, the headline story was about Japan’s sudden heat wave. It went a little something like this.
Anchor: Japan has been hit by a very sudden and early heat wave. Temperatures were high all across the country. In Tokyo it was a sweltering 37 degrees (98.6F).
(Cut to on-site footage in Tokyo. A reporter interviews random people on the street.)
Old Man: It’s pretty hot today. I’ve been sweating a lot.
Two Young Girls: It’s way too hot.
Young Man: It’s very hot today.
Anchor: It was also very hot in Osaka, a blistering 34 degrees (93.2F).
(Cut to on-site footage in Osaka. A reporter interviews random people on the street.)
Young Girl: It’s really hot.
Old Woman: It’s pretty hot today.
More Young Girls: Today is so hot…
Anchor: And, let’s take a look at how hot it was in Hiroshima, at 35 degrees (95F)
(Cut to on-site footage in Hiroshima. A reporter interviews random people on the street.)
Businessman: Today is very hot.
Little Girl: Very, very hot today.
Reporter, to a little boy: It’s hot today, isn’t it?
Little Boy: …
Reporter: It’s hot, isn’t it?
Little Boy: …
Reporter: Don’t you feel hot?
Little Boy: It is hot.
I am seriously not making this up.
So anyway, I was asking Ms. Americanized about this, and she laughed and nodded. “We know it’s hot, we don’t need reports from every Japanese prefecture about it!” I laughed, and she added “But that’s Japanese people for you. We want to feel harmony in knowing that other people feel the same way we do. As long as everyone is feeling the exact same thing, then we’re content.” This had me cracking up…because it’s absolutely right. That news broadcast was essentially saying, “You are hot? We all are! We are one. Resistance is futile.”
Ms. Americanized, looking somewhat pleased with herself, said, “I’m happy, I think I have been improving my sense of humor lately.” I told her I thought it was already great, and she said but maybe it was only funny in Japan. I assured her Americans at least would love her stuff. “What was the last thing I said?” She asked. I reminded her of her “Japan’s weird, did you know that?” quote. “Oh yeah,” she said, “Maybe I should quit being a teacher, and become a stand up comic in America. The ‘Japan’s Weird, Did You Know That?’ tour.” I personally think she’d sell-out every seat in the house.
You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen.

* * *

Somedays I bring my laptop into school with me, especially if I don’t have many classes and I’m not motivated enough to study Japanese. It also gives me a chance to work on new stuff for the site.
I was writing this entry in fact, when two of the bastard sannensei boys walked into the teacher’s room as if they owned it, as they always did. They noticed me on a computer and came up behind me. “What are you doing?” one asked. “Studying,” I said curtly. I’m a big fan of the truth, but I didn’t feel it would have been appropriate to say, “Well, I’m writing an article about your everyday antics, so I can post it up on the internet and make people from all over the world laugh about what goes on here. Say, can I take a picture of you with shirt unbuttoned exposing your tiny little chest, and your pants around your ankles trying to be cool, to put on my site? They’d get a real treat out of that!”
The one boy takes a closer look at the screen. “Oh, he’s reading Roman characters!” he exclaimed, actually surprised. “Of course he is!” Ms. Americanized responded for me. It really is a no-win situation, they’re shocked when I speak Japanese, they’re shocked when I speak and understand English, what language am I supposed to know? One day I’m just going to respond to them in gibberish and tongue-clicks, see if that’s what they’re looking for.
The other boy tried to read what I’ve written. “Fo…Fa…Fe…For….I can’t read it!” Maybe if you actually paid attention in English class, you’d have a shot.
People ask me all the time, “What if one of your students accidentally stumbles onto your site?” I gotta say, I don’t think that’s a problem at all.

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29 Responses

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  1. Blinky said, on September 25, 2006 at 12:36 am

    Give them ten or twenty years…

  2. Winky said, on September 25, 2006 at 7:23 am

    I love the idea of some reporter screaming at a child to agree with him. Not what happened, I know. Funny none the less though
    “JUST SAY IT”S HOT YOU BASTARD”

  3. El Thorsen said, on September 25, 2006 at 7:44 am

    I read somewhere, though I can’t for the life of me remember where, that the Japanese like television programming that makes them feel like they are hanging out with their friends.
    That certainly would account for some of the wierdness.

  4. Neko said, on September 25, 2006 at 9:36 am

    Your stories never fail to make me laugh, especially in public places. xD I’m busy reading this during Business class ( Which I don’t care about ) and every few seconds I’d giggle aloud. Not sure how loud since my music is blasted, but I’m sure people were looking at me and wondering what the hell I was laughing at. I’ve never commented on this site before, but I think I ought to say, honestly, I’m glad you’re doing something like this… Goes to show all the otaku out there Japan isn’t all fun and sunshine. It’s very wierd… Not that I mind, I love wierd, I still wanna visit someday.

  5. Autumnfire said, on September 25, 2006 at 10:11 am

    Oh god! “Strawberry flavored bleach!” “Not your Mother’s Clorox…” That is priceless!

  6. Echo4Bravo said, on September 25, 2006 at 10:32 am

    Can you imagine what kinds of things will be on this site in ten or twenty years?
    Another great story! All my friends here in Roppongi love your stuff. Keep em coming.

  7. Pascale Soleil said, on September 25, 2006 at 11:09 am

    “You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen.
    The one boy takes a closer look at the screen. ”
    I think you’re missing some transitional material between these two paragraphs. Or Japan has made you really, really random.

  8. Anonymous said, on September 25, 2006 at 12:25 pm

    “The one boy takes a closer look at the screen. “Oh, he’s reading Roman characters!””
    Wait, screen? Where? I don’t see a screen. @_@

  9. Anonymous said, on September 25, 2006 at 12:25 pm

    “The one boy takes a closer look at the screen. “Oh, he’s reading Roman characters!””
    Wait, screen? Where? I don’t see a screen. @_@

  10. kura said, on September 25, 2006 at 12:44 pm

    Hilarious as usual. I love reading all your entries even if they have been posted before. Keep it up 😉

  11. Pi said, on September 25, 2006 at 1:19 pm

    I think Google can autotranslate now… Uh-oh

  12. Godlesswanderer said, on September 25, 2006 at 2:36 pm

    Haha you should give them one of your articles one day and see if they can decifer anything.
    It must be pretty funny that they’re looking over your shoulder, reading what you’ve written but they can’t understand a word you’re typing.

  13. Chaos said, on September 25, 2006 at 9:15 pm

    Well, at least you don’t have to worry about the news being inaccurate..

  14. Anonymous said, on September 26, 2006 at 5:33 pm

    I have to imagine that in light of the Michael Jackson “Jesus juice” revelation this must put a whole new light on the situation…

  15. Anonymous said, on September 26, 2006 at 5:33 pm

    I have to imagine that in light of the Michael Jackson “Jesus juice” revelation this must put a whole new light on the situation…

  16. Nimnom said, on September 28, 2006 at 10:43 am

    You get news like that in Canada frequently. So, it doesn’t really seem odd to me.

  17. Cloak said, on September 28, 2006 at 11:52 am

    Az my man, another great article as usual.
    I still want to see the original posting dates for these, even if they’re just rough estimates.
    Oh, and another thing: ANY OTHER READERS OUT THERE KNOW WHERE TO FIND HIS NEWER STUFF? I heard Az frequents another site where his more recent stuff is (Is it true he’s not in JET anymore? Are these stories *that* old?)
    I wanna be up-to-date with everyone. Az, please lemme know where your current stuff is =[

  18. Rebecca said, on September 28, 2006 at 2:23 pm

    To the people asking what screen…
    *sighs* the screen on his laptop. YOu know? the one he was telling us he was updating just before he was speaking about the boy looking at him. His grammar etc is still fine from what I can see.
    Mind you… I’ve been in Germany for about a year and a half so My english isn’t fantastic anymore *pouts*
    Keep up the great work Az. This had me in stitches! “Three out of three teachers don’t reccomend Micheal Jackson Juice for a long and healthy lifestyle!”
    Reb.

  19. Anonymous said, on September 28, 2006 at 8:57 pm

    pft 37 degrees? we get over 40 here in Australia. On a side note if any nation was going to invent cyborg technology and assimilate their population it would be the japanese. I mean they already look the same, and act the same, and probably talk the same. Why not go the next step and create a cyborg king/queen?

  20. Anonymous said, on September 28, 2006 at 8:57 pm

    pft 37 degrees? we get over 40 here in Australia. On a side note if any nation was going to invent cyborg technology and assimilate their population it would be the japanese. I mean they already look the same, and act the same, and probably talk the same. Why not go the next step and create a cyborg king/queen?

  21. Kyo said, on September 29, 2006 at 9:37 pm

    He deleted it, just to annoy you.

  22. Damion said, on September 30, 2006 at 5:26 am

    I wonder if Ms. Pascale Soleil noticed the * * * ?

  23. Azrael said, on September 30, 2006 at 12:57 pm

    To be fair, when this story originally went up an HTML error caused a significant chunk of it to go missing. I noticed it in the comments, then went and fixed it.
    Re: New material. Sit tight. It’s coming real soon.

  24. Tmoo said, on September 30, 2006 at 8:47 pm

    yay new stories \o/
    re-reading the old ones is nostalgic and all, but it makes me somewhat depressed.

  25. Hiro said, on October 1, 2006 at 4:49 pm

    Oh the joys.
    Yes; it IS too hot.
    But you know what? Even though it gets to 100 degrees here, it doesn’t compare in most part to what Japan’s 93 degrees is… Because of the god damn humidity. 😄
    I feel sorry for you to have to live through it all~
    I see you’re enjoying your school and life.
    It’s a great thing; to have illiterate students.

  26. Kyle said, on October 1, 2006 at 5:48 pm

    I’d imagine Az isn’t in JET anymore — you cannot be a JET more than three years.

  27. evil_tennyo said, on December 15, 2006 at 9:29 pm

    “…Maybe that’s what Michael Jackson Juice is… it’ll turn you white.”
    lmao funny 😄

  28. rob g said, on January 25, 2007 at 10:53 am

    Hilarious entry, particularly the harmony inducing newcasts & the trail of dead resulting from ol missus henderson’s cat rescue.

  29. Ohtori-chan said, on September 28, 2007 at 1:17 am

    I’m in Kyoto right now, and I swear to god that we have the same story on every night here! It’s still really hot here even though we’re heading into October and I can’t turn on the TV without people being interviewed about it.


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