Gaijin Smash

More Ichinensei Fun

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on June 24, 2005

I really like the new ichinensei classes. For the most part, they’re adorable and full of energy– a nice, but tiring, contrast to the sannensei who are getting their asses kicked by life. (This will continue, sadly, for the rest of their Japanese lives, the one exception being their 4 years in college.) They also say the most off-the-wall shit, sometimes completely unintentional.
The School of Peace of course means more run-ins with Penis-Boy. Yes, I have downgraded him, I just didn’t feel right calling him Penis-Man yet. Kind of like how Superboy had to work his way up to Superman. I also found out that Penis-Boy has an older brother, a sannensei student. They look a lot alike, but the older brother seems to be radically less enamored with his junk.
We were doing a self-introduction where the students stand up and give a short intro speech about themselves in a decided format. “Hi, I’m [name]. I’m from [city of origin]. I like [anything here]. I play [some kind of sport/activity].” After proceeding through the class, we finally landed on Penis-Boy.

Penis-Boy stood up and said “Hi, I’m [Penis-Boy]. I’m from Japan. I like Az. I play tennis.” This, however, isn’t what he’d written down. I’d made it a point to sneak over beforehand and check out what he’d written down, which went, completely unsurprisingly, like this: “Hi, I’m (Penis-Boy). I’m from Japan. I like penis. I play sex.” …Right. With your undying love of penis kid, I really don’t want to know what kind of sex you’re playing, thank you very much.
It was only later that I realized that in his “sanitized” version, I had become a substitute for penis. Ain’t that some shit? How many of you can actually say you were a substitute for penis at some point in your lives? Only in Japan.
I’m really starting to think this kid needs help. I said before, all little boys are fascinated by their junk at some point, but this goes far above and beyond the call of duty. I wouldn’t be surprised if his just one day gave up fell right off in protest. This boy loves penis almost as much as Noisy Fucker loves the sound of his own voice. I also decided that given his devotion to penis, I am simply never going to let this boy touch me, ever.
Incidentally, after this class three boys launched a Dual Kancho/Dick Grab Assualt on me. Back in the day, this would have been some serious shit, but not now. Oh no, no no. Ever since I became an Ascended Ninja Gaijin™, I got this shit on lockdown. I was knocking them away like Neo batting away Agent Smith clones… if Agent Smith was a 12-year-old Japanese boy trying to grab The One’s mystical bits. At one point, I picked up one of the boys and was using him to swat away the other two. It was fuckin’ beautiful. All I need is John Woo to direct, and a few white birds, and this is Hollywood Blockbuster-calibur stuff, I’m telling you.
I know you’re out there. I can feel you know. I know that you’re afraid…you’re afraid of me. You’re afraid of change. I don’t know the future. I didn’t come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin. I’m going to hang up this phone, and then I’m going to show these people what you don’t want them to see. I’m going to show them a world where large black men don’t get their dicks grabbed. A world without kancho and dodgedick, without penis obsessions and waist-shaking. A world where Gaijins can roam the hallways of a Jr. high school freely and unmolested. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.

* * *

We were playing the dengon game in the ichinensei class. Dengon game is just the message game… I tell the person sitting in the back of the row a sentence in English. They then tell the person in front of them by whispering, but they can only do it once. The message goes forward up the row until it gets to the person sitting up front. As long as the message is the same as the one I told the kid in the back (or reasonably close), they get points. If not, they get my patented Batsu Buzzer (I cross my arms and make an error-buzzer sound) and a “Better luck next time!”
Since they’re new ichinensei, they don’t know a whole lot of English. The sentence I gave the kids in the back was “I come to school by train.” This isn’t too different from what’s in the textbook, “I come to school by bike.” I don’t know why, but the train completely throws them off. It’s odd. By the time the message got to the front, it had gone through all sorts of collapse.
One group though… Now, I have no idea how in the world this could possibly come from “I come to school by train,” but when I checked what the boy sitting in the front had written, it went like this: “I do you school bus.”
That is simply the greatest unintentional slip-up, ever. I don’t know what doing someone school bus is. Long, yellow, and bumpy? With rowdy kids in the back? A free service to the community? I have no idea, but I’m determined to find out. And put it to actual use. I seriously want to bust this out in real life. Imagine things are getting all hot and heavy, then all of a sudden you hear, “Oh yeah baby, I’m gonna do you school bus.” The initial reaction alone would be worth whatever fall-out resulted from it.
“I do you school bus” goes in my Hall of Fame, right next to “spread your legs” and “gay bridge.”


14 Responses

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  1. Ale said, on September 22, 2006 at 2:07 am

    Now you may think that was bad, but the Whispering Game (as it is called in Sweden) managed to transform “Kore wa tottemo tanoshii desu.” (This is really fun.) to “Kore wa tottemo etchi desu.” (This is really sexy.) by the time I whispered it to the Japanese girl in front of me. That was neither pleasant or unpleasant, only… strange. And she was not too shabby looking by the way!

  2. quick said, on September 22, 2006 at 4:36 am

    hi i have some own story of funny english sentences
    im from germany and i remember some boy in school.
    he had to say “what is your name”. not difficult for the last year of school and maybe 6 years of english?
    hahaha you think so,, what he said was “what name is” thats all – the teacher tried to get the correct answer out of him but it was just “what name is”
    after 10 minutes of trying to explain the right way the teacher gave up completly on this student

  3. Sailor Mewtwo said, on September 22, 2006 at 7:10 am

    “I do you schoolbus” is a truly classic line. That alone is enough to make me want everyone to read the articles so I can quote it at people without looking wierd.
    I love the articles anyway, but still, best line ever.

  4. Miki said, on September 22, 2006 at 7:46 am

    You never fail to make me laugh out loud without the ability to stop. Thankfully, this time I was in the privacy of my own home and not in the public library. Moar, plz.

  5. JohnnyNine said, on September 22, 2006 at 9:56 am

    If you’re bad – do you go straight to the back? If you are good do you do it in front? If you are really bad do you need an adult supervisor? I think loud, bumpy, uncomfortable, smelly and poorly ventilated are all givens. If you stop do red lights go on? Is there a lot of screaming and yelling for no reason?

  6. zen said, on September 22, 2006 at 11:22 am

    It’s about time Dude!

  7. potatoe said, on September 22, 2006 at 12:27 pm

    Beautiful. I can’t stop laughing at a lot of these. Today’s was great. I was on other side of this taking Chinese (Mandarin) in college and the professor would ask a question in Chinese like “Where do you study Chinese?” You could tell we were slaughtering it when he’d visibly grimice. I’m sure I was saying something like, “My sister has exploding elbows.”
    Keep writing! Great stuff.

  8. KB said, on September 22, 2006 at 8:25 pm

    Heh. I love your website. I tried explaining to my friend the Gaijin superpowers but they couldn’t quite grasp. I then gave up entirely on teaching them and instead told them you need a 12 year old boy trying to kancho you to understand.
    Everyone, however, managed to grasp the concept of chin. The plan to share a funny story from your life backfired drastically as now my entire highschool has decided make a game where teenagers stroke their actual chins until the other kid breaks into hysterical laughter.
    For some inexplicable reason, the teachers are doing it as well, although I’m fairly sure none of them knows what it means.
    Meh. I’m just sharing this so you know that the horror stories of your Gaijin life in Japan live on here in the States.

  9. Amanda said, on September 23, 2006 at 4:22 am

    You’ll like this one, Az… one of my female students (in Tokyo) gazed at me innocently, fluttered her eye lashes and, in response to my question “what do you like to do at the weekend?”, replied “I like to play dog”……….
    What do you say in reply to that?
    la la la.
    A xxx

  10. Excel-2006 said, on September 23, 2006 at 4:54 pm

    You hold “The-Octopus” in confidence, but you’re going to seek “I do you school bus” in full public view?

  11. Anonymous said, on September 24, 2006 at 4:35 am

    Man, I’d be such a perv

  12. Anonymous said, on September 24, 2006 at 4:35 am

    Man, I’d be such a perv

  13. Nalimamma said, on September 26, 2006 at 5:38 pm

    I wish we could have new stories! Anything! Your old stories are great to reread, but new ones would knock our socks off. Thanks for keeping this site up, even if we have to satiate ourselves with reruns, hehe. Ganbatte!

  14. chris said, on December 30, 2007 at 5:38 am

    I think “I do you school bus” is when you bang a chick pregnant with triplets or more.

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