Gaijin Smash

Return of the Mack

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on June 20, 2005

I was sitting in the teachers’ room, doing whatever it is I do there, probably trying to stay awake and make it look like I’m being productive. It was between classes, so students roamed by in the hallways. I heard my name and looked up to see Watson standing in the doorway. “Watch. Please.” he said in English.
Almost two years now. Almost two years and he is still after my watch. I don’t even think it’s about the watch anymore, now it’s the principal of the matter.
The other teachers, meanwhile, laugh and say, “Oh, he wants your watch huh?” Yeah, it’s funny huh? I was laughing too… two years ago. WHY THE FUCK AREN’T YOU DOING ANYTHING TO DISCOURAGE THIS?! When this kid is a beggar on the street I know who to blame now. That, or one of the old guys who stands in front of the sex salons trying to usher guys in. But never us Gaijin guys. Cause we’re diseased and dirty and we’ll probably beat the whores up or something. Old dudes are probably jealous of our Gaijin Power™ at any rate.
Noisy Fucker came up behind Watson, who is no small kid and was more or less blocking the whole door. Noisy Fucker took one look at him, then without even thinking about it, reached up, grabbed Watson’s wrist, and twisted it a little. Watson recoiled, and Noisy Fucker walked effortlessly through the door. Of course, he didn’t forget to make his obligatory “WAAAAAAAAAAAUGH” “Coming Through the Door” sound.


I was shocked. I have to struggle with Watson for what seems like an eternity, and Noisy Fucker just handled him as if he were nothing. I couldn’t believe it. To make matters worse, another male teacher went to leave with Watson still in the way. Watson then did something… well, I can’t call it surprising, but I certainly wasn’t expecting it. He tried to grab this Japanese teacher’s dick. I always figured Watson was so determined to grab mine because I’m a big black guy, and Japan perpetuates the stereotype. I sort of assumed that Watson didn’t have any interest in his own countrymen’s dicks, but apparently I was absolutely wrong. I no longer felt special. Then I realized I was disappointed because a 15-year old Japanese boy isn’t grabbing my dick exclusively, and let me tell you, 70+ showers later I still feel dirty. What is this country doing to me?
This teacher, acting purely on reaction time, grabbed Watson’s hands, then gave him a gentle shove down the hallway. Watson scampered away, and the teacher was free to go to wherever he was going. Again, I was shocked. I always considered large black men to be sort of overpowering in the grand scheme of things. Most people have a general fear/respect for us, with the notable exceptions of black women and the American police. However, while I had to endure epic struggles against this boy, two Japanese men, one being a Noisy Fucker no less, dispatched him with ease. It left me baffled for the better part of the day.
It was then that I had a life-changing realization. My ANGST! had long since subsided, but my precious Kancho and Dodgedick Senses™ were still down. I’d assumed it was because of the ANGST!, but that wasn’t it at all. Those Senses were kind of like a starter guide, training wheels for the uninitiated foreigner who simply has no idea that at some point in his life, an ambitious Japanese boy (or ten) will be trying to grab his dick, poke him in the ass, or on some occasions, both at the same time. I, however, had gotten too comfortable in them. Egotistical, even. God had to knock me down a few pegs, which is why the Senses disappeared. The point is not to become some sort of Dickdodging Hero, no! (I can’t imagine what crimes you’d stop with those powers anyway.) It’s all about self-preservation. I’d forgotten that.
Once I realized myself, I ascended to a higher level of defense. I don’t have anymore senses. I don’t need them. Now, it’s just natural. Case in point – I was outside, watching the tennis club practice. The tennis club is kind of isolated from the rest of the field, separated by a chain link fence. The baseball club was doing their own thing, and soccer club was miles away. I stood all alone, or so I thought. Suddenly, I turned around. There was nothing going off in my head, no warning signals, not even a thought. I just turned, and as I did I saw an ichinensei girl (the same girl who’d asked me for my profile back when I got molested) coming at me in the classic Kancho Approach – knees bent, shoulders low, arms out in front, fingers at the ready.
“What in the world were you just about to do?” I asked her.
She straightened herself. “Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. …Nice day, isn’t it?”
I’m back bitches. Bring the pain, I’m waiting for it.

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25 Responses

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  1. Meg said, on September 15, 2006 at 7:50 am

    >:D A revelation!

  2. Godlesswanderer said, on September 15, 2006 at 8:42 am

    Haha, he’s baaaaaaaaaaack!

  3. Otter said, on September 15, 2006 at 10:25 am

    Hey dude – I’ve been reading you for quite some time… very entertaining. A friend of mine from HS did the JET program for about 6 years and ended up finding his wife while over there and brought her back here. He never talked about Kancho or dick-grabbing but he wasn’t a big black dude either.
    ANYway – the point is – all I had to say was:
    you are now one with the Kancho.
    and thank you for the constant laughs and finger pointing humility.

  4. Joshua said, on September 16, 2006 at 12:09 am

    Omg. I love Japan even more thanks to you!

  5. rain said, on September 16, 2006 at 11:13 am

    I’ve only been reading your entries for a few days, but I find them extremely funny. Gives me my 5 minutes of blissful laughter on a daily dose. You are so very clairvoyant and eloquent with your words (well, an English Major.) So thanks for posting and keep it up. Maybe I’ll start a fanclub someday. 😄

  6. rain said, on September 16, 2006 at 11:33 am

    I’ve only been reading your entries for a few days, but I find them extremely funny. Gives me my 5 minutes of blissful laughter on a daily dose. You are so very clairvoyant and eloquent with your words (well, an English Major.) So thanks for posting and keep it up. Maybe I’ll start a fanclub someday. 😄

  7. Crab said, on September 16, 2006 at 1:08 pm

    What date are you up to now?

  8. Zellmer said, on September 16, 2006 at 11:06 pm

    So sick of hearing about the same Kancho and Dodgedick stuff, Az, you’re really getting lame with these articles.
    Think Azreals articles, storys, and the real site died the second it changd to gaijinsmash.
    Was dieing all ready, but that was the final nail.

  9. loz-chan said, on September 17, 2006 at 5:47 am

    OMG 😄 love these posts.
    But, seriously, could you IMAGINE what would happen if one of your students FOUND this site?

  10. Hemigrapsus said, on September 17, 2006 at 12:33 pm

    I am sorry, but I have to agree with crab. I really enjoyed reading the first couple, but now they are very repetitive.

  11. Jesu Maria said, on September 17, 2006 at 8:40 pm

    Hey, Zellmer, if Azs’ site was dying already, then what are you bitching about? Shut up your whining and bitching already

  12. Justin said, on September 17, 2006 at 11:14 pm

    “New content” my ass, buddy.
    Please please please put something up I didn’t read years ago soon.

  13. Azrael said, on September 18, 2006 at 2:45 am

    Re: Content
    For those complaining about the repetitiveness of dodgedick/kancho/whatever, when these articles first ran the big demand I got was for those kinds of stories. When I did something else I’d get emails saying “Yeah, that’s nice, but where’s the kancho?”
    It does die down considerably as things progress.
    Re: New Stuff
    It is my every intention to provide new material.
    In July as my time on JET came to a close, I had a billion things to do, from farewell parties, newspaper articles, moving out of my old apartment, helping the new guy get settled in, etc. In August, I had to move into a new apartment, and find a new job so that immigration didn’t kick me out of the country. Currently, I’ve had to start said new job, which unlike my previous situation, I have to commute to daily.
    The bottom line – I’m human. Gaijin Smash, Outpost Nine, wherever, you would have seen a break in new content anyway, just because I have not been phyiscally able to do anything.
    As things settle down, I will write more. Things are starting to now. And I already have a bunch of things that I want to write about. The content is there, all I ask is for your patience.

  14. aquarake said, on September 18, 2006 at 4:44 am

    NICE….
    On another matter, congrats…
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_am_a_japanese_school_teacher
    You are now on wikipedia. You prolly knew but I just found out.

  15. Yroc said, on September 18, 2006 at 9:59 am

    YES! HE’S BACK WITH THE SPICES BITCHES!!!!
    I mean..umm…yay, you are back with a vengence…w00t…

  16. Jill said, on September 18, 2006 at 11:12 am

    Actually, what would be nice is if you’d include the original date of posting. I’m enjoying it.

  17. TheObvious1 said, on September 18, 2006 at 11:58 am

    You want to really freak people out, announce in a loud emo voice “I have failed!” then commit seppukancho or seppupenisu, and kancho yourself and grab your own self. You’ll be more famous than you can possibly imagine, look at Michael Jackson.

  18. paula said, on September 19, 2006 at 3:42 am

    I am soo glad to see that you are still posting. This is my first time checking back with you since you where on located at a different web address. I love what I am reading and I have a lot more catching up to do! Please keep sharing your stories!
    Much love!

  19. Cloak said, on September 19, 2006 at 6:39 am

    Do ANY of you guys know the original date of these postings? Just a ballpark answer at least? Like, were they written earlier in 2006 or are these stories years and years old?
    PUT ORIGINAL POSTING DATES ON THEM PLEASE AZRAEL!

  20. Mizuko said, on September 21, 2006 at 7:02 pm

    It was funny Keep posting ok. Ja ne

  21. Dyanna said, on September 27, 2006 at 3:25 am

    Yay! I’m looking forward to new ones and have been enjoying re-reading the old ones. It’s your life and your blog so no one has a right to complain. Just glad you share some of it with us! 🙂

  22. Crab said, on October 1, 2006 at 4:05 pm

    Hermigraspus, PRO-TIP: “posted by” appears UNDER the message.
    You agree with Zellmer.

  23. Corey said, on February 14, 2007 at 11:42 pm

    I just realized something, I’m gonna go do the JET program and once I’m in Japan it’s gonna suck. Because that’s my luck (hehe that rhymed). And with all these stories of yours is getting my hopes up that Japan is gonna be hilarious and crazy but really I’m gonna wind up going to a boring uneventful school. But whole well, your stories are too awesome to stop reading.

  24. Anonymous said, on March 20, 2007 at 7:39 pm

    “Most people have a general fear/respect for us”?????? ahahahahahaha you deserve all the shit you get

  25. Anonymous said, on March 20, 2007 at 7:39 pm

    “Most people have a general fear/respect for us”?????? ahahahahahaha you deserve all the shit you get


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