Gaijin Smash

Quiz Millionaire

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on June 20, 2005

Japan has a version of the popular quiz game, “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” they call “Quiz Millionaire.” It’s hosted by a guy named Mino Monta. The show runs more or less like its American/British/whatever counterpart, except that when Mino asks, “Final Answer?” and the contestant says, “yes,” he just stares at them for a good minute or so until finally yelling, “Sekai!” (correct!) or, “Zannen!” (Too bad!). I find it absolutely hilarious, because the contestants usually FREAK OUT while Mino’s staring them down. “What? Am I wrong? Eh? What? Unnnnhhh… SAY SOMETHING ALREADY!”
Quiz Millionaire seems to be pretty popular in Japan, or at least everyone is more or less familiar with it. I created a version to play with my students. I write the questions on poster board cards and give them answer cards to hold up for their Final Answer. I even created a CD with the game’s music tracks and gave out fake money for correct answers. The students always ask, “Is this real American money?!” despite the fact that it looks really fake, and I’m holding a FAT stack of it. They must really think I’m loaded to be gallivanting around with so much cash. The game is really a lot of fun, and sometimes I think I enjoy it more than my students do.
I played Quiz Millionaire with the English club at the School of Peace. The English Club is composed of 10 little girls who are unquestionably the Cutest Girls, Ever. Ultimate Sweetness is also a member of the English club, and while she is still the cutest thing who ever has or ever will exist in history, the other girls are not very far behind.
We got started, but then a butterfly with black wings and yellow stripes flew through the window. Butterflies are beautiful, right? Symbols of love and peace and all that? Little girls love butterflies, don’t they? That wasn’t the case for one of the girls, who FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. The butterfly wasn’t even near her, but she let out a scream that I can still hear when it’s quiet enough. I had to put the game on hold while she went into hysterics.
But, it’s just a butterfly, isn’t it?
The butterfly flew around near the ceiling, and in response she dropped down in her chair and put a towel over her head. I suppose maybe, given enough time, she might have settled down and we could have worked to shoo the butterfly out the window. Mr. Butterfly however, must have mistook her screams of fear and horror for shrieks of admiration, and thinking, “Hey, I gotta get me a better look at this,” flew directly in front of her.
There are simply no words in the English language that can adequately describe her reaction.

What I can tell you, is that in one motion, one of her erratic hand movements turned into a vicious backhand that KNOCKED MR. BUTTERFLY THE FUCK OUT. In more or less the same motion, she Japanesely teleported to the back of the room, where she fell onto her knees as a screaming, crying mess. Now, I know I shouldn’t have found this funny in the least bit. But it just was. I’m already going to hell (Snuzzlebunnes Incident) so I might as well enjoy the ride.
Mr. Butterfly, meanwhile, was lying lifeless on her desk. We all thought she killed it. She coulda dropped grown men with that backhand. One of the other girls tapped the desk though, and Mr. Butterfly groggily stirred a bit before collapsing on the desk again.
Discovery Gaijin Smash Presents: The Life of a Japanese Butterfly
Phase 1: Egg is laid by a female butterfly
Phase 2: Hatch into a larva/caterpillar
Phase 3: Eat a lot, grow bigger
Phase 4: Cocoon into a chrysalis, emerge as a beautiful butterfly
Phase 5: Get knocked the fuck out by a 13-year-old Japanese girl’s vicious backhand
Another girl retrieved a dustpan from the closet, scooped up the almost comatose Mr. Butterfly, and tossed him out the window. Mr. Butterfly suddenly came to (I guess he kinda had to, suddenly falling from the second floor of a Japanese school), and flew into a tree where he must have taken a moment to ponder the day’s events. Mike Tyson-chan composed herself and, with the butterfly far out of backhanding range, returned to her seat to resume the game.
A few rounds later, and it was Ultimate Sweetness’s turn in the hot chair. I held up the question, and she studied it very carefully, as if it’s rocket science. Her face even had this cute, scrunched-up CONCENTRATION! look which no words could ever do justice. Then, just as I said “Final Answer!” she held up her answer card. But she didn’t just hold up her answer card, no no no. She held it up, looked at me with big eyes, and gave me an Oliver Twist “Please Sir, may I have some more?” look that damn near killed me with its overwhelming adorableness. It’s almost like she’s was saying, “This is the right answer, isn’t it?” and I just want to tell her “yes,” no matter what she answered.
It was at this point that I realized that Ultimate Sweetness is absolutely broken. I mean, most girls have some sort of cute, puppy-dog-ish face they like to hit men with when they want something. But Ultimate Sweetness’s just… she wins, the end. Unfortunately, she held up the wrong answer, though. The question was, “What is Hideaki Matsui’s uniform number?” and I wanted to call Matsui himself and ask him to change his number just so she wouldn’t be wrong. How fucking broken is that? Her future husband, the poor guy has no chance whatsoever. She could be like, “Honey, I want a BMW, brand new, with a surround-sound CD system, a completely digital electronic readout, and the voice of Kit from Knight Rider …Please?” and all he can say to that is, “What color would you like?”
Luckily, Ultimate Sweetness is Ultimate Sweetness, so she’d never do that. She’d probably hit you with The Face™ just to ask you if she could cook your dinner for you– after she washed your car and before she draws a hot mineral water bath for you. I can only hope that her powers are always used for good. If someone were to harness this and use it for the forces of evil, we’d all be fucked six ways from Sunday.
On her next turn, she did get the next question right, and upon hearing me say “Sekai!” she let out a little “Kyaa!” scream while clenching her fists. When I went to give her her (fake) cash prize, she bowed very deeply and said in English, “Thank you very much!” I developed multiple cavities in just about every tooth I’ve got.
I love my job.


50 Responses

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  1. Sailor Mewtwo said, on September 18, 2006 at 11:51 am

    I remember this article and it made me laugh so hard. However, you may want to fix the dodgy HTML otherwise it makes NO sense whatsoever!
    Still, butterfly 0wnage, lol

  2. Jean-Sébastien Girard said, on September 18, 2006 at 1:02 pm

    You’ve got a big HTML mistake in there, man.

  3. Priam said, on September 18, 2006 at 2:15 pm

    Ouch, coding =( A lot of people are missing an essential part of this story!

  4. J said, on September 18, 2006 at 2:48 pm

    I believe this would be my first comment here, and I’d just like to say that, despite the oldness of these stories, it’s always been a pleasure reading them. I can’t help but think that, had it not been for a reference to you in a flash series, I wouldn’t have ever known about these entertaining, and sometimes touching, stories.
    I have to admit that, to me, these stories never get old, no matter how many times I read them. Looking over just one story can make my day.
    That being said, you made a linking mistake for every line onward from “There are simply no words in the English language that can adequately describe her reaction.”
    Other than that, I don’t believe I have anything else to say at the moment. Take care!

  5. Dark Puck said, on September 18, 2006 at 3:07 pm

    Hate to bother you, but your html seems to be borked.

  6. Anonymous said, on September 18, 2006 at 3:08 pm

    what the fuck? You might wanna fix that.

  7. Anonymous said, on September 18, 2006 at 3:08 pm

    what the fuck? You might wanna fix that.

  8. Korova said, on September 18, 2006 at 3:14 pm

    Great post but there are some HTML issues that hides a good bit of your story.

  9. Jimmy Time said, on September 18, 2006 at 4:02 pm

    Is it just me or did you switch up stories like 8 times in this post? I honestly think even you have no idea what you were talking about here.
    Just to further be a dick here: Good job on making the 3/4th of the entry a dead link.

  10. Sy Ali said, on September 18, 2006 at 4:07 pm

    You’ve got a broken link..

  11. Joshua said, on September 18, 2006 at 5:56 pm

    Wow man, I want your job. I know it’s not perfect but seriously, I want to become an english teacher in Japan thanks to you. I’ve always wanted to go there but now, now I must there is no if ands or buts about it. I’m going to push myself to and beyond my limits just to be able to go to japan and do….something. You got it good many and i envy you to now end. This especially helps cuz i dont believe in hell so i wouldn’t feel bad about some of the things you say you are going to hell for. You only live once best enjoy the ride. ^_^

  12. Yroc said, on September 18, 2006 at 6:36 pm

    Note to self: Stay in America, despite anime fandomhood.
    That would be the ultimate super villian though, wouldn’t it? I could see it now:
    Ultimate Sweetness: Dear presidents of these United Nations, I want your gold, contenints, and atomosphere…PWEASE??
    UN presidents: What order, alphabetical or by size?

  13. Chase said, on September 18, 2006 at 7:36 pm

    I came across a similar problem with a college girl and caterpillars once. Apparently they have some poisonous varieties in Japan, so some people freak out at the thought of a caterpillar or butterfly.

  14. Yitzy said, on September 18, 2006 at 7:54 pm

    Haha! Reminds me of when the Japanese exchange students were at my school, and we brought them to the Butterfly exhibit at the Insectiarium in Montreal.
    You could imagine how well that went…

  15. Kerii-chan said, on September 18, 2006 at 8:20 pm

    Kawaii! She sounds so cute, I want to glomp her so badly!! ^^

  16. Anonymous said, on September 18, 2006 at 10:33 pm

    Awww! You have so much fun. ^_^

  17. Anonymous said, on September 18, 2006 at 10:33 pm

    Awww! You have so much fun. ^_^

  18. Meg said, on September 18, 2006 at 11:31 pm

    How kawaaiiiiii. :] Damn, but I miss Japan.

  19. Zenthor said, on September 19, 2006 at 3:17 am

    In reference to Sy Ali’s comment:
    Wait, wait, wait. So… stories about a guy constantly having his junk and ass poked at by prepubescent boys make you want to go to Japan, no ifs ands or buts?
    I have the number of a very reputible psychiatrist…

  20. Cloak said, on September 19, 2006 at 6:39 am

    Do ANY of you guys know the original date of these postings? Just a ballpark answer at least? Like, were they written earlier in 2006 or are these stories years and years old?

  21. Ookami said, on September 19, 2006 at 6:53 am

    xD Mike Tyson-chan lmao xDDD

  22. Azrael said, on September 19, 2006 at 10:31 am

    Can anyone explain why the original dates are so important? I mean, this is the one major complaint I get. Why?
    I really honestly want to know.

  23. Dave said, on September 19, 2006 at 11:49 am

    The HTML thing, did it really need 8 people to point it out? It was obviously a mistake and you could have waited, as I did, til it was fixed.
    Damn the internet and it’s impatient souls…
    Anyway, I loved that story. It’s always the way, there’s always one girl in the year who just makes you go aw and makes you feel bad everytime she looks sad.
    It’s just the way of the world.
    As for the date issue, Azrael, think about the world we live in – it’ll start with the dates of the original posts and end with you being forced to reveal the length of your thumb – from there… it’s all down hill. DON’T TELL THEM!!!

  24. Silvertail said, on September 19, 2006 at 12:10 pm

    They probably all want to know how old the school girls are now…

  25. vik said, on September 19, 2006 at 12:12 pm

    so that we can tell when you start posting new stuff.

  26. Eric said, on September 19, 2006 at 12:55 pm

    People want to know about the dates because they’re wondering how old the stories are. They want to know if you’re still teaching and these are recent blog entries from something that just happened, rather than being events that happened a while ago. People like to read about things as they happen, I suppose.
    I think this one was first put up sometime in the last year for those curious about it

  27. Eddie_Lummox said, on September 19, 2006 at 1:16 pm

    Well, for me, original dates would be nice just as a way of guessing when it might make sense to maybe start expecting new stories.

  28. Exhale said, on September 19, 2006 at 1:41 pm

    I think they want to know if it’s old or not Azrael. Even though I’ve read every editorial you’ve written up, sometimes (like this one) I can’t remember if I’ve read it before.
    I’m not a huge complainer about the dates but yeah, if it isn’t too much of a hassle it would be nice for you to chuck it up.

  29. Morbo said, on September 19, 2006 at 1:53 pm


  30. Zet said, on September 19, 2006 at 2:01 pm

    hello! ive been lurking around here for sometime, i was actually wondering about the date, too, for me its becoz i’ve never been to japan, so your stories are kinda like a window to japan, so knowing some sort of date would give me a better picture of how japan is now, if your stories happened recently…
    but i enjoyed them with or without the dates, so it doesnt really matter that much.
    needless to say i love your stories! thanks for sharing them Mr. Azrael!

  31. Krystal said, on September 19, 2006 at 2:03 pm

    What I wanna know is why this girl had a towel with her. Has she recently read The Hitchhiker’s Guide?

  32. Patware said, on September 19, 2006 at 2:33 pm

    It’s probably a subtle was of asking how many more reposts there are going to be until any new stuff comes in. You know how kids today are.

  33. B said, on September 19, 2006 at 2:51 pm

    Because people are stupid enough to believe these events happened on the date you posted them on, not the date they actually happened. Just post the original dates as not to confuse your fans.

  34. Ryan said, on September 19, 2006 at 4:43 pm

    I’d like to do what you do… but I’d want to teach high school kids… I’d rather deal with them when they’re a little more mature (MENTALLY, SICKOS)
    Ah well, a guy can dream. I’d individually teach each of them one very esoteric/fucked up/way out there english phrase and tell them it was common.
    I may not go to hell but I am a bad person.

  35. securitysix said, on September 19, 2006 at 7:01 pm

    Az, people are probably wanting the original dates so they can tell what’s new stuff and what’s old stuff. Lazy bums can’t just remember the titles of the stories or just suck it up and read them a second time (or third/fourth in my case). Let ’em pound sand.
    Maybe you should have had Ultimate Sweetness apologize to the butterfly for Mike Tyson-chan before chucking it out the window. Would have been a much better awakening than the whole “F#^$ ME, I’m falling!” wakeup.

  36. Shield and Sword said, on September 19, 2006 at 10:16 pm

    You know he’s right. The dates have no significant importantance. What could knowing them possible do? (Rhetorical Question)

  37. Toshio said, on September 19, 2006 at 11:03 pm

    I guess people just want to have a timeline to go with the flow of events, since the articles being posted doesn’t seem to be in any particular order.

  38. Dirty Dan said, on September 19, 2006 at 11:22 pm

    Additional comment about faulty html and cheesy ASCII smiley face, Az!
    But seriously, Ultimate Sweetness and Mike Tyson-chan rock. They should team up to fight crime.

  39. Rebecca said, on September 20, 2006 at 12:37 am

    Ahh leave him alone about the dates would yer?
    Just wanna say, keep up the great work! You really make me grin when I read yer stuff, old Or new.
    *grinz evilly* maybe you Should put different posting dates on them… put all the dates in the future (if this thing will allow) that should confuse them all nicely *snickers*

  40. Cloak said, on September 20, 2006 at 8:32 am

    I’ll tell you why I want to see the dates…
    I’m a fairly new reader to this, and I am genuinely interested in the timeline of this stuff. I would love to know if this happened last week or a few years ago. Why? Because as an earlier posted said, this is my only window into Japanese society, and I would like to know if these reflections are to-date or a bit older.
    Seriously, it bugs me that I can’t see the original posting dates of these. I want to know =[
    I promise it’s not to bug you for new postings. Hell, I haven’t even gotten through all of your old ones. Azrael, your work is truly fun to read, keep it up my man, and post the original dates while you’re at it =d

  41. john said, on September 20, 2006 at 12:25 pm

    this story is useless without pics!

  42. Pyro said, on September 20, 2006 at 12:56 pm

    Bah, where’s the new ones? Slapping yesterday’s date on it doesn’t make it any newer.

  43. Fluffy said, on September 21, 2006 at 6:57 am

    Yes, i’m sure Az can remember the exact date of every blog entry he’s ever written.-sarcasm- o.o;
    Unless the date is saved with wherever he’s gettingthese entries from. In wich case i just made myself look like an idiot. Oh well though.

  44. The-Excel said, on September 22, 2006 at 12:07 pm

    It would help.

  45. Jimmy said, on October 1, 2006 at 9:12 pm

    Doesn’t look like it’s been touched upon, but apparently butterflies are kind of a touchy subject for Japanese. A Japanese friend said that in the movies, the “typical psychotic character” is a butterfly collector, so she tends to identify butterflies with horrible deaths.
    It would be interesting to get another perspective on this, but I tend to believe she’s for real, since she is TERRIFIED of butterflies.

  46. evil_tennyo said, on December 15, 2006 at 8:26 pm

    lol funny how everyone’s paranoid about the dates. who the hell cares seriously?!? its about content ppl.

  47. Kelly said, on January 7, 2007 at 3:50 pm

    The Ultimate Sweetness scenario sounds familiar to me.
    I’m starting to think that I’m the American equivalent to Ultimate Sweetness.
    But that’s another episode of Discovery Gaijin Smash.

  48. Sy Ali said, on September 8, 2007 at 9:32 pm

    What in the hwll?! Someone posted an inane comment using my name?

  49. Onizuka said, on February 29, 2008 at 11:10 am

    Somewhere, Onizuka is just cursing your good luck.

  50. Sy Ali said, on March 26, 2008 at 11:38 am

    Oh, no. It’s just that the commenting is unclear.. the owner of a comment is noted below the post, and someone else replied and thought they were replying to my comment.

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