Gaijin Smash

Negotiations with the Enemy

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on May 17, 2005

I was walking down the hallway after a class with one of my teachers when I spotted My Nemesis. You know who.
He stopped and gave me a coy look. “What will I do today?” his face said, “Will I go for the usual? Maybe try a kancho? Or hit you with something completely different?” C’mon buddy. You and I both know you’re going for my dick. As sure as there are stars in the sky, as sure as Ichiro is worshipped as a God on Japanese soil, as sure as a John Woo movie will feature a scene with white birds flying away in slow motion… you are going for my dick. Let’s drop the coy bullshit and get it over with, shall we?
My dick. He lunged. I restrained. He struggled. I cried. This Endless Waltz.
My teacher walked on. She knew I was gonna be busy for awhile. I’d made the threat before, but this time I made good on it. I carried him down three flights of stairs, back to the teachers’ room. This time, I decided that maybe I should try to reason with him. Perhaps peace could be made through dialogue alone.


Me: Hey. You. You know, this is really weird. Do you know how much of my life is devoted to keeping you from grabbing my dick now?
Him: Then give up already! I’ll definitely get it.
Me: Why are you so interested in this? Why do you have to know?
Him: Big or small! Big or small! I have to know!
Me: No you don’t! That’s none of your business!
Him: It is!
Me: It isn’t!
Him: It is!
Me: Fine then, it’s small. Leave me alone.
Yes, I know I just broke Manhood General Rule #1: Never, ever, ever, EVER claim to have a small penis. I know, and I don’t care. I can feel my soul dying. It’s dying damnit, and none of you care.
Him: No it’s not! No man would ever admit to having a small penis!
He’s pretty sharp, I have to give him that.
Me: OK, fine. It’s big. Huge. Enormous. Stand under it and the sun disappears.
Him: Then, I have to touch it, feel for myself!
Me: No you don’t!
Him: Yes, I do! I may never get another chance like this! Give up already!
Clearly, dialogue wasn’t going to work. Can I bring the UN in on this yet? Can’t we declare my crotch American soil, and consider his actions to be an aggressive act of invasion on the part of the Japanese? I demand sanctions.
It was at this point that I decided to give him his nickname. If nothing else, I admire his never-give-up spirit and search for the truth (oh God, I really have been here too long), so in that vein I named him Watson. He doesn’t get to be Sherlock Holmes because he’s not slick enough to be Holmes. Holmes would have not only gotten my dick by now, he would have figured out how to have me offer my dick to him, and how to pin the whole thing on Noisy Fucker #2.
I got to the teachers room, let go of him, and dashed inside before he could pursue. Most of the teachers inside sort of noticed this, but sadly they’ve gotten used to the whole “Our large black English teacher running away from Watson trying to grab his dick” routine, so they paid it no heed. I usually don’t pay attention, but it might have even been in the morning meeting announcements.
Noisy Fucker #2: “Well, I have nothing really to say, so I’m just going to describe all the stuff written here on the whiteboard that you can probably just read for yourselves. Oh, and the ALT will be coming to school this week, so please be mindful of rampant and furious games of Dodgedick in the hallways. Now for point two…”
I wish I could say the story ends there. I wish. I also wish for a billion yen, a good dependable woman, a rabbit in a hat with a bat, and a ’64 Impala.
I had to leave the teachers’ room a few minutes later. No sooner had I crossed the doorway, than Watson lunged at me like a starved Malaysian tiger. With the Senses still down (What’s up with that anyway? I don’t think they’re coming back), I caught him on pure reflexes alone. Y’know, if nothing else, living here has incredibly sharpened my “Hey, there’s someone coming for my dick!” defense skills. I’m not sure how this would be useful, unless I somehow find myself in prison. In that case, bring it, bitches. I got this shit on lockdown.
I struggled with Watson for a few minutes in the hallway. As I did, the art teacher came walking out and stopped as our epic battle impeded her progress. She looked at us – Man Restraining Boy Going For His Penis – and an expression crossed her face I hadn’t seen in a while. The look of “What the fuck is going on here?!” I thought that maybe, just maybe, the art teacher would be my salvation. Finally, someone recognized just how absolutely wrong this is, and would do something to stop it. I really am naive, aren’t I? A minute later, that WTF look disappeared from her face (maybe she was just holding in a fart) and she said to me, “Hey, will you escort him to the art room like that for cleaning time?”
Sigh.
Of course, the art room is on the third floor. So I had to carry Watson back up the stairs, and even then he wouldn’t quit. I finally threw him in the art room, closed the door as I did, and ran in the other direction, ducking to hide in one of the classrooms as he ran past.
You know, one Level 2 Cursed Seal Gaijin Smash should be enough to deter him forever, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I really need to rid myself of my gentle nature.

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33 Responses

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  1. Gunlord said, on September 6, 2006 at 6:10 am

    Watson…XD 😄 😄 Oh man, I love this column.

  2. Blaine T said, on September 6, 2006 at 8:49 am

    If it really gets to you, why don’t you just get serious and give him a good yelling one time. Isnt there some kind of disciplinary action in Japanese schools? I mean if it really bothers you, it seems like playing along with him by physicaly fighting him would just propogate it more. If you really did get mad and screamed at a couple of these kids it would probably stop.

  3. Blaine T said, on September 6, 2006 at 8:49 am

    If it really gets to you, why don’t you just get serious and give him a good yelling one time. Isnt there some kind of disciplinary action in Japanese schools? I mean if it really bothers you, it seems like playing along with him by physicaly fighting him would just propogate it more. If you really did get mad and screamed at a couple of these kids it would probably stop.

  4. diTaykan said, on September 6, 2006 at 10:15 am

    You dishonor the name of Watson by assigning it to the dick-grabber. All know that the true dick-grabber of London at that time was, in fact, Lestrade and that Holmes was dealing with a similar situation.
    He just refused to allow Watson to write those parts down.

  5. sam said, on September 6, 2006 at 10:41 am

    at the very least can’t you like.. complain? to someone? anyone? is it seriously that acceptable for little boys to go after grown men’s crotches?
    well at the very least it’s hilarious

  6. Ganesh said, on September 6, 2006 at 10:46 am

    just finally finally get his parents into school and tell them that there son is a total perverted strange kid

  7. zen said, on September 6, 2006 at 11:33 am

    I said it before, I’ll say it again.
    You HAVE NO RESPECT THERE!
    Post this on BT , See what they say!

  8. Jess said, on September 6, 2006 at 12:58 pm

    But do you wish you were a little bit taller?

  9. marcus said, on September 6, 2006 at 1:20 pm

    Ok, Ok… enough with children trying to grab your dick or poke your butt. This is getting creepy. Once or twice maybe, but come on… You need to put a stop to it.
    At least write about something else.
    _

  10. Oliver said, on September 6, 2006 at 2:22 pm

    I don’t know which is worse… the fact that you quoted a Skee-Lo song, or the fact that I recognized it. Keep up the good work.

  11. Anonymous said, on September 6, 2006 at 2:32 pm

    oh man! i havent thought of “i wish” by skee-lo in close to 10 years. damn that was a good song…

  12. Anonymous said, on September 6, 2006 at 2:32 pm

    oh man! i havent thought of “i wish” by skee-lo in close to 10 years. damn that was a good song…

  13. tylEr said, on September 6, 2006 at 8:14 pm

    “Watson lunged at me like a starved Malaysian tiger”
    Hahaha that was fucking great.

  14. Rikki said, on September 6, 2006 at 10:01 pm

    I don’t undertsand these kids.
    Honestly. This blog is insane.. Can’t you just tell them “Hey, you know, this is really fucked up.”

  15. Mitch said, on September 7, 2006 at 2:49 am

    I’ve never left a comment here, but that Skee-Lo reference made my day.

  16. Anjela-san said, on September 7, 2006 at 7:04 am

    I came back on your page to see if you had had the guts to allow my comment.
    And I see that you haven’t and also that you have gone on with your obsessive discourse.
    I won’t come back and read such trach any longer. Obviously, you are obsessed with sexs and a pedophile obsessed by being touched by your pupils. You are a SICK person.
    You should be highly ashamed of yourself and I wonder what your parents will think about all this when they find out.
    You are a total disgrace to your family and to your people, as well as to the teachers all over the world.
    I know you will not allow my comment to be seen by other people, and that you allow no comment to be published on your site, so I guess you must receive a lot of bad comments and they wound your over-sized ego.
    You don’t even have the courage to take responsibilities for your actions. You’re a total loser.
    With all these disabilities, it is not going to be easy to live a life. Good luck !

  17. crownedjitter said, on September 7, 2006 at 11:00 am

    You’re making this up. I hope.

  18. Seth_Tzu said, on September 7, 2006 at 3:55 pm

    Listen. Stop regurgitating this old stuff. I have been a long time fan of yours and this switch to festering ass has pretty much ruined your entertainment value.
    I wrote you a long, in depth explanation of what made your stuff so good and funny before, and why it is no longer that way.
    However, it was “moderated” into none existence.
    Listen to your fans or go fack yourself.

  19. Seth_Tzu said, on September 7, 2006 at 3:55 pm

    Listen. Stop regurgitating this old stuff. I have been a long time fan of yours and this switch to festering ass has pretty much ruined your entertainment value.
    I wrote you a long, in depth explanation of what made your stuff so good and funny before, and why it is no longer that way.
    However, it was “moderated” into none existence.
    Listen to your fans or go fack yourself.

  20. ichbineinbear said, on September 8, 2006 at 5:01 am

    man you got me laughing so hard sometimes that i find it hard to breathe. the idea of these children going for the dong on such an extreme level is too funny. i applaud you in your abilities to dodge them so far. btw nice skeelo quote. i think i got that name right.

  21. Kira Yamato said, on September 8, 2006 at 8:26 am

    Wasnt this posted last year or earlier this year? Im positive i saw it on your old site before.
    P.S. Testing this typekey thing…..

  22. Ravnos said, on September 8, 2006 at 8:25 pm

    A Skee-Lo reference? That takes me back…

  23. JAG said, on September 10, 2006 at 1:23 pm

    Perhaps I am missing something, but I have a question for all of you who posted negativity above my comment. If it bothers you so much, why do you keep returning and spouting your rightious nonsense? Get a life.
    Let’s not forget that this is HIS blog. And, quite frankly, you losers won’t ever have the experiences that he is having (good or bad) with an attitude like that.
    To the author…don’t let this sort of thing bother you. There are losers in every country, right?

  24. surreal said, on September 11, 2006 at 1:21 am

    i was too young to know who skee-lo was, but one of my earliest memories from elementary school was my friend evan singing that on the playground. thanks for making me smile!

  25. Matt Metford said, on September 11, 2006 at 7:13 am

    Man. I just started on my first year with the JET programme, and my first week at work– my FIRST week!– I get kanchod by an elementary school kid.
    What’s worse is that I was walking my bike out of the schoolyard afterwards, and of course I’m surrounded by fascinated Japanese kids. Out of this crowd comes the same damn kid, and he goes straight for my crotch. He doesn’t try to grab it, he just straight-up punches it.
    In that moment, I thought of this website. You went for what, two and a half, three years without getting kanchod? All I have to say it, you rock. I wish I could boast the same.
    To the “pedophile” poster above: you have obviously never been to Japan, or to a Japanese school. Do visit some time. It will be educational.

  26. Woo! said, on September 11, 2006 at 11:00 am

    Anjela-san is a twat.

  27. Nick Kimmons said, on September 12, 2006 at 5:07 pm

    Holy crap. A Too Short reference. Awesome.

  28. Kerii-chan said, on September 17, 2006 at 8:27 pm

    Level 2 Cursed Seal! *bursts out laughing* I’m not quite sure what I read these for, the incredibly funny writing and situations, or for the references to Naruto 😄

  29. Anonymous said, on October 21, 2006 at 9:07 pm

    i <3ed the skee lo reference. very clever i’m not gonna lie.

  30. Anonymous said, on October 21, 2006 at 9:07 pm

    i <3ed the skee lo reference. very clever i’m not gonna lie.

  31. Anjela-san said, on November 3, 2006 at 6:24 am

    I am so sorry for everything I have said in the past. Life has happened to me, and I realize that I am too pathetic to see that my experiences loving children have taken me to a brink I couldn’t have imagined.
    You are a god amongst men.
    I am not worthy.

  32. Gabriel said, on July 29, 2008 at 3:48 pm

    I’m new to the site. It is hilarious. I also get many of the anime references you make. I feel like a nerd. Oh well. Great site!

  33. epamek said, on September 3, 2009 at 12:39 am

    HOLY SHIT, MAN!
    I just discovered Skee-Lo like a week ago, and I have listened I Wish a few dozen times by now. AND THEN YOU PULL THIS SHIT.
    WHILE I’M LISTENING TO THE SONG NO LESS.
    Man, life is crazy.


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