Negotiations with the Enemy
I was walking down the hallway after a class with one of my teachers when I spotted My Nemesis. You know who.
He stopped and gave me a coy look. “What will I do today?” his face said, “Will I go for the usual? Maybe try a kancho? Or hit you with something completely different?” C’mon buddy. You and I both know you’re going for my dick. As sure as there are stars in the sky, as sure as Ichiro is worshipped as a God on Japanese soil, as sure as a John Woo movie will feature a scene with white birds flying away in slow motion… you are going for my dick. Let’s drop the coy bullshit and get it over with, shall we?
My dick. He lunged. I restrained. He struggled. I cried. This Endless Waltz.
My teacher walked on. She knew I was gonna be busy for awhile. I’d made the threat before, but this time I made good on it. I carried him down three flights of stairs, back to the teachers’ room. This time, I decided that maybe I should try to reason with him. Perhaps peace could be made through dialogue alone.
Me: Hey. You. You know, this is really weird. Do you know how much of my life is devoted to keeping you from grabbing my dick now?
Him: Then give up already! I’ll definitely get it.
Me: Why are you so interested in this? Why do you have to know?
Him: Big or small! Big or small! I have to know!
Me: No you don’t! That’s none of your business!
Him: It is!
Me: It isn’t!
Him: It is!
Me: Fine then, it’s small. Leave me alone.
Yes, I know I just broke Manhood General Rule #1: Never, ever, ever, EVER claim to have a small penis. I know, and I don’t care. I can feel my soul dying. It’s dying damnit, and none of you care.
Him: No it’s not! No man would ever admit to having a small penis!
He’s pretty sharp, I have to give him that.
Me: OK, fine. It’s big. Huge. Enormous. Stand under it and the sun disappears.
Him: Then, I have to touch it, feel for myself!
Me: No you don’t!
Him: Yes, I do! I may never get another chance like this! Give up already!
Clearly, dialogue wasn’t going to work. Can I bring the UN in on this yet? Can’t we declare my crotch American soil, and consider his actions to be an aggressive act of invasion on the part of the Japanese? I demand sanctions.
It was at this point that I decided to give him his nickname. If nothing else, I admire his never-give-up spirit and search for the truth (oh God, I really have been here too long), so in that vein I named him Watson. He doesn’t get to be Sherlock Holmes because he’s not slick enough to be Holmes. Holmes would have not only gotten my dick by now, he would have figured out how to have me offer my dick to him, and how to pin the whole thing on Noisy Fucker #2.
I got to the teachers room, let go of him, and dashed inside before he could pursue. Most of the teachers inside sort of noticed this, but sadly they’ve gotten used to the whole “Our large black English teacher running away from Watson trying to grab his dick” routine, so they paid it no heed. I usually don’t pay attention, but it might have even been in the morning meeting announcements.
Noisy Fucker #2: “Well, I have nothing really to say, so I’m just going to describe all the stuff written here on the whiteboard that you can probably just read for yourselves. Oh, and the ALT will be coming to school this week, so please be mindful of rampant and furious games of Dodgedick in the hallways. Now for point two…”
I wish I could say the story ends there. I wish. I also wish for a billion yen, a good dependable woman, a rabbit in a hat with a bat, and a ’64 Impala.
I had to leave the teachers’ room a few minutes later. No sooner had I crossed the doorway, than Watson lunged at me like a starved Malaysian tiger. With the Senses still down (What’s up with that anyway? I don’t think they’re coming back), I caught him on pure reflexes alone. Y’know, if nothing else, living here has incredibly sharpened my “Hey, there’s someone coming for my dick!” defense skills. I’m not sure how this would be useful, unless I somehow find myself in prison. In that case, bring it, bitches. I got this shit on lockdown.
I struggled with Watson for a few minutes in the hallway. As I did, the art teacher came walking out and stopped as our epic battle impeded her progress. She looked at us – Man Restraining Boy Going For His Penis – and an expression crossed her face I hadn’t seen in a while. The look of “What the fuck is going on here?!” I thought that maybe, just maybe, the art teacher would be my salvation. Finally, someone recognized just how absolutely wrong this is, and would do something to stop it. I really am naive, aren’t I? A minute later, that WTF look disappeared from her face (maybe she was just holding in a fart) and she said to me, “Hey, will you escort him to the art room like that for cleaning time?”
Of course, the art room is on the third floor. So I had to carry Watson back up the stairs, and even then he wouldn’t quit. I finally threw him in the art room, closed the door as I did, and ran in the other direction, ducking to hide in one of the classrooms as he ran past.
You know, one Level 2 Cursed Seal Gaijin Smash should be enough to deter him forever, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I really need to rid myself of my gentle nature.