A Rose by Any Other Name
New nicknames, for all my people.
Big Daikon – “Daikon” means “radish” in Japanese. This boy’s face is really dry and red, and kind of scrunched up too, so it reminds me of a radish. Big Daikon is also the name of a JET messageboard, so it was already a familiar term.
I think this boy actually has some kind of skin problem…but he really does look like a radish. Hey, I warned you the last time I was a terrible person. Forgotten about Bessie, have we?
MacGuyver – OH MY GOD, HE HAS A MULLET! A REAL, HONEST TO GOODNESS MULLET! It started out as a rat-tail, but over the Spring Vacation it blossomed into a full-grown, glorious mullet. So I named him after the Undisputed God of the Mullet, MacGuyver. I’m half tempted to give him some chalk, a piece of paper, and my shoe, and ask him to create a 15-oz sirloin steak for me.
Spread Your Legs, Jr. – This is the original Spread Your Legs’s little brother. I didn’t realize it until the teacher called him by his family name, and as I took a closer look. He’s a shorter, pudgier, male version of his sister. Now, I can’t even look at him without that infamous phrase popping into my head. The original SYL graduated this past March, but her legacy lives on.
Mophead – This one’s pretty self explanatory. I just want to pick her up and clean the floor with her head.
Ghetto Cinderella – This girl is at the Ghetto School. She’s really nice and cute, but she kind of looks like she’s been getting her ass kicked by the wicked step sisters. She has slight bags under her eyes and her hair is always a mess. She reminds me of Cinderella before the Fairy Godmother got a hold of her. But I think she’s fine just the way she is, and I hope she never takes a powder-cake or any other makeup products to her face. Given that this is Japan, Makeup Capital of The Universe, that’s probably a pipe dream, but I’ll hold onto it anyway.
Daffy – This is an ichinensei girl who is literally the real life, Japanese incarnation of Daffy the Duck. Not the Daffy who is eternally antagonized by Bugs Bunny, no. The Daffy that is completely, totally batshit insane. This girl doesn’t walk. No, she bounces. She will literally bounce down a hallway, screaming “Whee!!!” as she goes. I swear her brain is made out of Flubber or something.
Ah-buuh 2 – There’s no relation whatsoever, but much like the original Ah-buuh her bottom lip is always hanging down. I can actually understand in this girl’s case though, as her bottom lip is huge. I imagine her jaw must get pretty tired from having to support that thing, and eventually gravity just wins that battle. I mean, her lip is like the size of Angelina Jolie’s head. It’s just awesome.
Not that that’s a bad thing, mind you.
Noisy Fuckers 1 & 2 – These guys have been well documented, so I’ll skip the description here.
I actually like Noisy Fucker 2. He talks to me quite often, even in English (despite him not really knowing English). The willingness to at least try goes a long way in my book, so I respect that. Noisy Fucker 1 though has actually never even acknowledged my existence in the 2 years I’ve been here. So until he actually gives me something to form a different opinion on, he will continue to be He Who Cannot Shut His Mouth.
Pirate Blacktooth – One of the new English teachers. When she introduced herself, I noticed something horrible and black protruding from her front teeth. What the hell is that, some kind of growth? A tumor? I tried to avoid looking directly at it, but much like a black hole it just sucked my vision in. After she finished introducing herself, I realized that she’d didn’t tell me her name. My brain needed something to refer to her, and Blacktooth was the first thing to spring to mind, hmm wonder why. I added the Pirate just cause it’s cool.
The next day she didn’t have the black growth, so I can only assume she’d eaten something black for breakfast that particular morning. But the name still stands.
Hot Nurse – When I first came, the nurse at one school had just gotten married. 9 months later, she had to take maternity leave. Apparently, Japanese men waste NO time when it comes to this thing. A replacement nurse arrived, and she was… well… hot. Dark black hair, full red lips, tits AND ass (oh how I’ve missed you so), and substantially less pregnant, which is always a plus.
As fate would have it, we became friends. We’d meet at the bus station and take the same bus to school. Sometimes I’d visit her in the infirmary and we’d chat for a whole class period. It’s funny, she can say the most innocent things, but they come out with such a perverted implication. Once, as I was leaving school for the day, she walked me to the gate. We said goodbye and she started back toward the school. She immediately did a U-turn and called out to me “Oh, if you have some time, please come to visit me in my nurse’s room.” In an instant, roughly 1.2 billion male fantasies about nurses/school teachers/school teacher nurses flashed through my head, and I nearly lost consciousness from the speed at which blood left my brain. Another time, we were having dinner at a yakiniku place, when she turned to me and said “Oh, I love this meat ’cause it’s so yummy.”
Maybe I’m just perverted.
OK Nurse – The nurse at the Ghetto School. She’s also young, but unlike Hot Nurse, she’s rather mediocre. Thus, OK Nurse. Some of the other teachers tried to hook me up with her at the Christmas Party. From time to time I still catch her smiling at me.
Linebacker – In Japanese schools, there’s an “Office Teacher” who doesn’t teach classes, but rather works as kind of a secretary who takes care of the clerical stuff. This office teacher is always female. At one of my schools, the office teacher is… well… built like George Foreman. She’s short, stocky, and has an enormous back. She reminds me of an NFL player, so I call her the Linebacker. If she and I were to ever get into a fight, I’m not so sure I’d win.
Walk ‘N Brush – The office teacher at the Ghetto School. She earned this name because, after lunch, without fail, she walks through the teacher’s room brushing her teeth. She goes from her position at the front of the room all the way to the sink at the nurse’s station in the back, brushing as she walks. Maybe it’s just me, but I wasn’t accustomed to seeing people walking around in the teachers’ room brushing their teeth.
Her dentist must love her.
Ultimate Nag – A female teacher at the Ghetto School. She’s kind of old, but I can’t tell how old cause her age is hidden under an impressive makeup cake. She’s very loud, and her voice alone is enough to bring a man to his knees. They use her to yell at the bastard boys, and when she does you hear it no matter where in the school you are. I’ve never met him, but I can’t help but to feel bad for her husband. We ought to give the guy a Nobel Prize or something, cause if that’s not taking one for the team, I don’t know what is.
Jumpsuit – the PE teacher/Soccer Coach at the Ghetto School. The first time I saw her, it took me ten minutes to figure out she was female. As Ms. Swan would say, “She looka like a man.” This is intentional on her part, from her short hair to her clothes.
She earned the nickname Jumpsuit because she always wears a jumpsuit to school, but every time I see her, it’s a different jumpsuit. I can’t begin to imagine how many different jumpsuits I’ve seen by now. I imagine if you went to her house and opened her closet, you’d be greeted by a whole rack full of jumpsuits, like in cartoons.
Reebok must love her.
Jeri Ryan – This teacher looked exactly, and mean exactly, like the Japanese Jeri Ryan from Star Trek Voyager/Boston Public. Same hairstyle, facial features, clothes, everything. It was uncanny.
I think she kind of liked me. I used to catch her looking at me sometimes, and once I ran into her while out buying lunch. She offered to give me a ride back to school, even though it was only a five minute walk. Unfortunately she was transferred to a different school after my first year and I’ve never seen her since.
If I ever come across the Japanese version of Beyonce, I will pounce on her like a starved African leopard.
Heihachi – A new English teacher at the Ghetto School. His family name is Mishima. When he introduced himself to me, he did so family name first, and before I could even hear his first name Heihachi Mishima from the Tekken games popped into my head. I still don’t even know his first name because he’s just Heihachi to me now. The English teachers at the Ghetto School are mostly on a first-name basis now, but I still have to call him Mishima-sensei or else I’ll end up calling him Heihachi.
I guess it’s a good thing I haven’t met any Miyagi’s yet.