Gaijin Smash

And Now for Something Different

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on May 10, 2005

I’ve sort of nicknamed one school Heiwa Jr. High. “Heiwa” in Japanese means “Peace.” (Former and current JET’s who used the New Horizon textbooks will note the inside reference.) This is by far the quietest school of the three. The students are for the most part really laid back, fun, and hardworking. There are no bad students whatsoever; it’s amazing! Usually, going there is nothing but a good time. It’s also the school of the kids I’d nicknamed before (most of whom have graduated by now) and Moeko. The only real problem kid was Mousey, but I could handle him.
There was a new class of ichinensei, whose lessons I would enter later in the week. I had already gone to the new ichinensei classes in the Ghetto School. Aside from one boy who tried to kancho me (and I really almost expected him to do so), it went pretty well. I even had one class rush up and ask for my autograph! I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I wasn’t expecting too much chaos from the new ichinensei at the School of Peace.
Maybe the day before I started with the ichinensei classes, I was standing in the hallway talking to some students when I spotted Mousey approaching with a friend. The path he was walking would lead him directly behind me. Not wanting to take any chances, I turned around and backed away from him. Mousey spotted my evasive maneuvers.

“Kancho, huh?” he said coolly.
“Well, you try it every time I see you,” I responded.
Mousey chuckled. “Well, yeah, that’s true, but I’m a sannensei now. I can’t keep playing such childish games. I have to grow up.”
(cue the music)
So with Mousey out of the game, I figured I had one school, one school at least, where my ass could enjoy diplomatic immunity. Where I could bend over or talk to people and not have to worry about getting blindsided from behind. Needless to say, I was thrilled. I was, of course, counting my cherry blossoms before they bloomed.
Then I went to the new ichinensei’s class.
It went well at first. The kids loved my Matsuken Samba sparkling gold kimono and samurai wig, as well as the song and dance. (This would take entirely too long to explain, so just use your imagination.) After class, one girl came up and asked me to write my profile in her notebook. My name, birthday, blood type, things I liked, etc. I’m always thrilled at the little things that help to pad my ego, so I was more than happy to oblige.
On a side note, it’s entirely possible that this girl is yet another younger sister of Velma. She has the same last name as Velma and Velma Jr., but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything, there are only like 10 last names in all of Japan. It might just be coincidence.
As I was filling out the profile, some boys came up to me with a common chant, “Dekai! Dekai!” (trans: Huge! Huge!) I’m 6’3, a little under 200 pounds, which is big even for America. in Japan I might as well be Andre the Giant. I don’t know if Andre the Giant ever came to Japan, but if he did, I hope he didn’t go to Tokyo. There would have been an army of Gundams/Mazingers/Evangelions waiting to take him out. If Godzilla ever makes it onto the shores of Japan, his ass is all kinds of toast.
The boys were marvelling at my size. They started patting me down, continuing with the “dekai!” chant. Uh… OK. I didn’t even have any crack on me. Maybe it’s just the black man’s destiny to get patted down no matter what country he’s in. They were patting my arms and legs, making it a bit hard to write, but other than that, I wasn’t sweating it too much.
That is, until they started moving onto… other areas. Whoa! This really is turning into a full cavity search! If only the women of this country showed even half the interest in my crotch region as the nation’s 12-year-old boys do. Sigh.
Normally, I might have grabbed a kid or two and sufficiently scared him enough to get them off me. This time I was holding the girl’s pen and notebook, and really trying to do this profile thing. So I fled out into the hallway, sat down against the wall and crossed my legs. There, now neither ass nor crotch is easily accessible, get offa me. This worked surprisingly well, as almost all of the boys gave up on the patting and moved on.
Almost. It’s always the “almost” that gets you, isn’t it?
One boy sat down next to me and continued patting me down. I wasn’t too worried; I had the hot spots guarded. What happened next though… In my time here, this was definitely a first, and I hope to GOD a last. The boy pulled up my sweater and started trying to get his hand down my pants.
OK, what the fuck? I can shrug off the countless kancho and dick-grab attempts, but actually putting a hand down my pants?! I gotta draw a line somewhere. Well, here’s my line, and here’s you, obliterating the line, kid.
I can’t pinpoint exactly where, but somewhere along the line in America, we learn not to grab other little boys’ penises, through their clothes or otherwise. We used to be bombarded by public service announcements back in the day, maybe it happened then (“Today, on a very special episode of Saved By The Bell…”). This, apparently, just never happened in Japan. It’s not just me. Other male JET’s have had students try to grab their stuff, and sometimes I notice the boys doing it to each other. I can’t even fathom it. (To be fair, I do seem to get it a lot more than my other male friends. It’s probably a combination of my size, and the “black men have big dicks” stereotype. Somewhere in the world, Michael Jackson is wishing that he was still black.)
With the kid trying to snake his hand down my pants, I quickly finished the profile and stood up. I picked the kid up and slung him over my shoulder. I figured I would carry him back to the teachers’ room and report his reverse-pedophilia to the teachers. Or if I thought up something better along the way, an appropriate retaliation. However, with the kid slung over my shoulder, he grabbed a handful of my sweater, lifting it up and exposing my back. This I really didn’t care about, but I was wearing the ghetto pants as a Kancho Precaution which kind of hang off my butt. So as with any good ghetto fashion, the top of my boxers were visible. “We can see your underwear, we can see your underwear!” A hallway full of ecstatic 12-year-old Japanese children now gleefully exclaimed.
Gah. OK, fine, I admit defeat. I put the boy down and sent him on his way before he managed to do something worse. I retreated to the teachers’ room, my soul a little darker from the horror of it all. I’ve been on an incredible losing streak lately. What happened to the proud, Kancho/Dickdodging ninja I used to be?!
I headed for the break room to get some tea and calm my nerves. I ran into one of my English teachers, who asked how my first class with the ichinensei went. I told her that it went fine for the most part, but then related the events from after class. Her response? Much like, oh, EVERY OTHER TIME SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAS HAPPENED, she smiled and said “Oh, they like to play with you very much, don’t they?”
Yeah, something like that.
I got my tea, headed back to my desk, and started reading my book. And that’s it, end of story. If this were America…good Lord, man! There’d be lawsuits, counter-suits, counter-counter-suits even! This shit would be on the evening news! “Tonight on Channel 5, instead of teachers molesting students, we now have students molesting teachers! Can we blame video games for this one? Film at 11.” The old farts on CNN Crossfire would be debating the ramifications! I’d have a book deal at least, “Obliterating The Line: The Azrael Story” or something like that. But no no no, not in Japan! In Japan, this is 5th period. The worst part is, even I stopped caring. The last little shred of American sanity was screaming at me, “Dude, that was fucking weird! That boy ain’t right! Do something!” But the rest of my brain, which is slowly but surely being assimilated by Japanese culture, was saying “Oh, ha ha ha! He tried very hard to grab my big black American penis. I admire his “gambatte!” spirit! Now, I must remember to pick up some tentacle rape animated porn on the way home from work, and see if I can’t grope a few high school girls on the train as I go.”
But oh! The next day! I ran into the same sweet little girl who asked me to do the profile as I was walking around visiting the sports clubs. “Hello!” I said with my usual smile.
“Hi!” She responded. “So, what kind of underwear are you wearing today?”
“What? Not you, too!”
“But, it was really funny! So…what kind?”
When you get to the point where 12-year-old girls ask you what kind of underwear you’re wearing, well, I dunno… it has to be some kind of first.


34 Responses

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  1. Gabe said, on August 30, 2006 at 1:19 pm

    Boxers or Briefs? Sorry, I just had to say it cause this story was screaming for a Boxor or Breifs joke.

  2. Alina said, on August 30, 2006 at 2:08 pm

    you are awesome and i love your stories. i wasnt too sure about kancho… but i asked all my japanese penpals and lo and behold they all go. hehehe memories.

  3. Brian said, on August 30, 2006 at 2:13 pm

    Im sure quite a few of your readers will have told you this, but Andre Roussomof ( or Andre the Giant if you prefer) did spend a few years on the jappanese wrestling circuit.
    Just in case you wanted to know.

  4. Rex said, on August 30, 2006 at 2:24 pm

    Japan needs a good smack in the mouth. That kind of sass just isn’t acceptable.

  5. Mason said, on August 30, 2006 at 5:08 pm

    you are fucking hilarious

  6. Damion said, on August 30, 2006 at 9:23 pm

    Same song and dance huh!? I like the fact you post almost everyday, it gives me something to read… but these stories get old.

  7. Chris said, on August 31, 2006 at 12:52 am

    Poor guy, being molested by children. O_o Gomenasai.

  8. Anonymous said, on August 31, 2006 at 7:26 am

    Japan is honored to have a great teacher like you.

  9. Anonymous said, on August 31, 2006 at 7:26 am

    Japan is honored to have a great teacher like you.

  10. Mooch said, on August 31, 2006 at 3:04 pm

    Damn, if that was america, it would be on fox news in no time what so ever. Here in Canada the media doesnt control us as bad, but it still sucks

  11. DJ-Panic said, on August 31, 2006 at 3:51 pm

    DUDE! You need to bring the “1000 years of pain” on that little dude. That’s just wrong…
    Entertaining…but wrong….

  12. Random Info said, on August 31, 2006 at 5:08 pm

    Andre the Giant did go to Japan. On the risk of being too blunt he used to ah, shall we say, use the bathtubs when the tiolets wouldn’t suffice. He also used to call other wrestlers that were on tour with him so they could hear him making small japanese girls squeal.

  13. Donald said, on August 31, 2006 at 10:44 pm

    Okay, I lied. the ´HAAAAAAALLELUJAH!´ is the best.

  14. fredo said, on August 31, 2006 at 11:46 pm

    Oh no! Don’t lose that last inch of sanity.

  15. Peach said, on September 1, 2006 at 10:13 am

    T_T I’m GOING to Japan next week!
    muahaha! should I warn my brothers?
    Nah. 🙂

  16. dange said, on September 3, 2006 at 2:40 pm

    wow, ive been planning to follow your lead after the military but i dont know how i can deal with 12 year olds, lol.

  17. Heather said, on September 4, 2006 at 1:46 am

    I loved this..hilarious! I’m sorry..I couldn’t even fathom…

  18. Allen said, on September 4, 2006 at 3:02 am

    I have learned one thing from reading your articles, Japan was weirder than I ever thought possible, I need to go there sometime in my life. (Also, you should be published this is interesting and well-written.)

  19. wsad said, on September 4, 2006 at 9:37 am

    The funny thing about this site is that it almost says more about american culture than it does about japanese.
    It’s still a great read, keep it up!

  20. Jesse said, on September 4, 2006 at 2:21 pm

    I am unsure as to what I would do but it would have to be something appropriately humiliating. perhaps tie him to the monkey bars outside by his ankles and let some of the other children pants him and laugh. the humiliation may be enough to save you for a few days at least. and the others, kids and teachers would probably be like “look at the children play, ha ha ha” try it.

  21. Riley said, on September 4, 2006 at 8:28 pm

    man, your stories are awesome. I spent a year in Japan for foriegn exchange. Im only a held back freshman in college. I plan on going into the JET program sometime. Anyways, I cant stop laughing, you keep reminding me of these things that happen and its just so true. I cant help but think, this is going to be me (maybe not exactly) in a few years.

  22. Cyven said, on September 5, 2006 at 7:34 am

    Wow o.O You’d think kids’d be intimidated by your size but noooo o.O;;;
    Only in Japan eh?

  23. Anjela-san said, on September 5, 2006 at 9:41 am

    A friend of mine sent me the link to your editorials, and since I am a Foreign Language teacher (English and French) to Japanese Pupils (Junior High And High Schools) too, I took the time to read your editorials.
    I must say first that I never have had any problem of Kancho or patting.
    Though I am a foreigner married to a Japanese man, in 8 years, I have never experienced what you say you have experienced.
    And that is when I wonder if you presented yourselves properly, respecting the school’s clothing (untold) rules, and if you presented yourself as a real teacher, not an assistant to the teacher.
    The trick is to show the pupils that you are equal to their other teachers, that you are serious and means to be taken seriously.
    Accepting physical contact is a mistake.
    You say you speak Japanese, then don’t you tell them “Sore ha kinshi da !” or “Zettai dame !”?
    You complain a lot about your pupils but it seems to your readers that you befriend your pupils far too much. You are not supposed to write down things about you in their contact books, for example?
    And you sound like you are obsessing about your pupils touching you, to the point that your life in Japan seems reduced to this single and pathetic fact, which is very disturbing.
    Your editorials sound actually so disturbing and pathetic that I really wish you are just making all this up and that you are a far better person in reality.
    Maybe you should also check you moves, because Kancho is actually a game played by children when someone does not behave accordingly to Japanese good manners.
    As the proverb says, in Rome, you must live like Roman people do. Well, In Japan, you must live like Japanese people do if you want things to go smoothly.

  24. celestial-salamander said, on September 8, 2006 at 9:17 pm


  25. Josh said, on September 11, 2006 at 3:18 am

    Rome was not built in a day right? Means it takes more than a day to trash screwed up thoughts and behavior. FUnny stuff.

  26. Andy said, on September 12, 2006 at 7:52 pm

    You should’nt flame this site and his experiences, however true or untrue they may be. I am pretty sure this site and his stories are meant for entertainment. They are very entertaining and if you do not like them, simply find another website for your entertainment instead of flaming this one.(run-on *whew*)BTW, Rock on! =)

  27. Marius said, on September 21, 2006 at 4:30 pm

    Hmmph. What an unbelievably cold woman. “befriend your pupils too much”? Since when was there ever a too much? You probably dont have such problems because all your students are probably too afraid to be even near you.
    The only thing he’s obsessing about are the kids themselves, like any other teacher that cares a wit about what they do. Read the Moeko’s Owl edition and see if you even have the gall to say anything about this man again.

  28. Marius said, on September 21, 2006 at 4:30 pm

    Hmmph. What an unbelievably cold woman. “befriend your pupils too much”? Since when was there ever a too much? You probably dont have such problems because all your students are probably too afraid to be even near you.
    The only thing he’s obsessing about are the kids themselves, like any other teacher that cares a wit about what they do. Read the Moeko’s Owl edition and see if you even have the gall to say anything about this man again.

  29. Dyanna said, on September 22, 2006 at 3:22 am

    I think if people tried to shove their fingers up my butt I’d be obsessing over it a little, too. Plus the stories are kinda like a running story “Az survived the battle’s with Mousy, but with his loss of DodgeDick TM will Az come out the winner? Find out next post!”
    Aand maybe your kids haven’t tried kanchoing you because your a girl?

  30. Impossible said, on September 26, 2006 at 3:28 am

    Geez, I wonder why nobody ever tried to grab her dick. Oh, wait.

  31. Greg said, on October 16, 2006 at 9:24 am

    Anjela-san, I teach english at a small elementary school in Chiba prefecture (though in the past I’ve taught at about 40 different schools in something like 15 cities). I understand what you’re saying about presenting yourself right and everything, but believe me, a big part of the english-speaking ALT’s job is just playing the part of the goofy foreigner. Especially at the elementary school level, where even Monbusho describes our job as making the kids feel happy about English, not really teaching the shit.
    Since we’re expected to always be smiling and friendly towards the kids, they tend to respond in kind by always asking us to play with them at recess. Now, when I’ve been new to a school I tend to get groped and kancho’d a lot, but I can usual shut that down within a few weeks. That said, even now, where I’ve been at the same school for two years, there are still 2-3 evil little shits that don’t get the hint.
    Don’t bring the man down for just telling it like it is.

  32. Meela said, on November 30, 2006 at 11:57 pm

    Wooooooow. I had heard about kancho but never the “inside scoop” -sorry about the pun 🙂
    To Cyven – whooopdeedoo… You’re a chick, kancho happens to dudes unless you a shemale or something. Talking about being groped daily isn’t an obsession – he’s simply stating the facts. Good for you and your Japanese husband – visa marriages are the latest trend, yanno. If you find what he writes disturbs you for whatever reason – stop reading it. Go pick up some knitting needles or go proofread a paper – something. Sheesh. special…
    Anywho… That was too funny and now my day is a lot better after cracking up. Thanks!

  33. Corey said, on February 14, 2007 at 10:32 pm

    Weeeeeell that was frighteningly-interestingly hilarious. I sware I stared at that sentence for at least 5 minutes trying to contemplate it and trying to think of what i would have done…….I still have no clue.

  34. L'il Phoenix said, on October 21, 2007 at 5:40 pm

    MATSUKEN!!! Oh, wow, one of the few other gaijin who knows all about the world’s only singing-and-dancing disco samurai. Picked up the Matsuken Samba II CD/DVD set as a memento when I was on exchange….I went up to buy it and the clerk gives me an odd look: “Matsuken suki desu ka?”
    “Hai.” Both laugh.

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