Gaijin Smash

Az Fails at Dating

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on May 6, 2005

I went through a bad breakup a few months ago. Breaking up is hard to do, my ex is a moron, I deserve better, yada yada yada. The Maroon 5 “Songs About Jane” CD and all the usual breakup tripe later, it was time to get back on the horse and start dating again.
Now, a lot of my emails include something like, “Dude! You’re a large black man in Japan who speaks Japanese? Holy cow! You must have to fight the ladies off with a stick!” You’d certainly think so. Gaijin Power or whatever. Yet, that is not the case. I will now proceed to prove how extensively God hates me specifically. That’s the only explanation I can come up with.
I was at a cherry blossom viewing party with some JET friends. There were these two Japanese girls there, and one of them kept staring at me. I didn’t think much of it at first, but later I talked to her a bit, which was pleasant. I got her email address, and when we started writing she told me that she didn’t know how to burn CD’s on her computer. Could I possibly come over to help her? Score! Ah, the old damsel in distress trick. Sure, I’ll go and help her “burn some CD’s.” Heh heh heh.
At this point, I was expecting good things. Ah, if only I knew.

I went out to meet the girl for dinner. This went well for the most part, except for her being crazy. It’s like she was on a permanent bad acid trip or something. Oh well, I’m from San Francisco, I have experience dealing with hippies.
After dinner, we talked about what to do next. Initially, the other girl from the cherry blossom party (I call her ‘Satchmo’. Her actual name is close to that, so it reminds me of Louis Armstrong) was supposed to come too, but she couldn’t join us because she had a stomach ache. However, she wanted us to come to her house. I was like, fuck that, if she can’t come then I’m not gonna go see her. My coke-addicted date was adamant, though, so off we went to see Satchmo.
Satchmo lives in this miniscule space above a coffee shop. I can’t stress how small this place was, and it wasn’t just her living there. No! It was her whole family, too. Spin around in your computer chair right now. Imagine dividing your room into three bedrooms, a kitchen, and a tiny bathroom, and you have an idea of the space.
Coke Addict and I entered Satchmo’s tiny little room, and out came her dog, who was clearly high on crack and bouncing off the walls. Oh, and the pooch had a mohawk. I swear to God. Coke Addict sat down and almost immediately the dog pissed on her. “Aw, not again! Man, everytime!” she exclaimed. She got a rag from Satchmo, but aside from rubbing it no other cleaning attempts were made. I started to wonder what the dog knew that I didn’t.
Satchmo asked us if we wanted coffee. I didn’t, but she went to get it anyway. Then Satchmo’s mom, who looked like a Japanese Gypsy Crack Whore, walked by. “You guys want bananas?” she asked. I had no idea how to respond to that; the whole Japanese Gypsy Crack Whore thing was weirding me out. She disappeared and reappeared a second later with a bushel of bananas she dropped on the table. Satchmo came back with the coffee, and ice cream. Gypsy Crack Whore brought a plate of strawberries.
So now Coke Addict and Satchmo were chatting, and I was kind of sitting there wondering how I get myself in these situations. I was also kind of freaked that Gypsy Crack Whore wasn’t freaked. I mean her daughter’s friend just brought a large, unknown black man into their tiny little living quarters, and apparently this is perfectly acceptable. It was almost like this kind of thing happened on a daily basis.
Meanwhile, Satchmo’s Rastafarian Brother came back from wherever, and was also not freaked about the large black man. He went to his room, which was like 20 inches away, and occasionally jumped into the conversation (although we couldn’t see him). At one point he randomly called out to me, “Hey, can you teach me to dance sometime?”
Meanwhile still, Crack Puppy was still tearing up all over the place. He was terribly curious about me- running right up to me and staring me in the eyes, but the second I moved to pet him he’d run away. One of the times he ran up, I just sat still to see what would happen. Crack Puppy stood on my lap, put his paws on my chest, and stared me right in the eyes. And then Crack Puppy kissed me. I was fucking shocked and had no idea what to do about that. I moved, and Crack Puppy scampered away again.
Gypsy Crack Whore came back and chatted me up with the usual, “Oh, your Japanese is so good!” Whatever, please don’t sell me to the Yakuza circus. She and the other two started making plans to see a baseball game, and hey! why don’t I come along too? I suddenly realized this tiny little closet-house had no windows, no way to escape.
Coke Addict and Satchmo were occasionally talking and watching TV. They stopped on some documentary about children being killed in the war in Iraq. Great, that’ll certainly pick the evening right up! At one point, a father was holding his badly wounded daughter in his arms, screaming for help. Everyone stood around, powerless to do anything… and the daughter died right there in daddy’s arms, on camera. Coke Addict and Satchmo watched this, went, “Awwwwww…” then turned around and stared right at me.
WTF? I DIDN’T DO IT! I don’t have GW on speed-dial! “Hey Dubya, why don’t you start a war with Iraq for no apparent reason? And hey, try to kill as many babies as you possibly can, OK? kthxbye!”
Then they went off on how pointless the war is and just how much George Bush sucks (ah, to be an American overseas right now). Granted, I’m no Bush-lover or Iraq war supporter, but I kind of wanted to say “Hey, America’s not all bad!” Still I figured Dead Toddler was the ultimate comeback, and I’d best just shut it.
Fortunately, FINALLY, the time came when I’d have to leave to catch the last train. Coke Addict had to drive me to the station, so she left, too. In the car, Coke Addict continued to rant about Bush. After about 5 minutes, I had my fill, and changed the subject, but it didn’t last for long, as Coke Addict said, “I’m sorry, I want to go back to President Bush…” and continued to rant on. I kind of shut off my brain until I got to the station and was on my way to the sanctity of home.
So there you have it. I found myself stuck in the lair of Satchmo, dealing with Coke Addict, Gypsy Crack Whore, and America-bashing, and the only action I got out of it was a kiss from Crack Doggy. I sent Coke Addict the obligatory email afterwards, and got a basic reply, but I haven’t heard from her since. And that’s the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it.
Not only do I think God hates me specifically, but also he must get pretty shitty TV reception up there, and has decided to use me for entertainment.


25 Responses

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  1. John said, on August 28, 2006 at 11:34 am

    Think of it this way, when you get back to the US, you’ll always have the most interesting bar stories, and more then likely you’ll stun the people into buying you another round.

  2. German Steve said, on August 28, 2006 at 2:04 pm

    I recently moved to Germany to be a foreign exchange student and I get endless amounts of shit for being from George Bush’s country… and the south on top of that. It’s not too hard to prove that not all Americans are heartless war-mongerers, but everyone I meet on the street seems to have that impression. Good luck fighting the good fight!

  3. Xodlike said, on August 28, 2006 at 2:35 pm

    Sounds like a nice evening out. πŸ˜›
    I plan on going to Japan soon, for a foreign exchange child program. Hoping that’ll turn out well.
    How long do you plan on staying in Japan?
    Thanks in advance.

  4. Bully said, on August 28, 2006 at 7:16 pm

    Perhaps if you’d used your Black Man Powers (TM) that the Japanese seem to think you have to produce a bag of high quality crack and tossed it into a corner, they’d have run for it giving you time to run screaming out the door?

  5. Shinkada said, on August 29, 2006 at 6:54 am

    Brilliant edition. Just brilliant. I was cracking up the whole time… Heh… Cracking…

  6. TsukinoDeynatsu said, on August 29, 2006 at 7:57 am

    Satchmo = Sachiko ka ne?
    And being a Yank overseas isn’t so bad, as long as you’re a good one. If you’re one of the really annoying flag flying ones……. just don’t go to anywhere where they’re not “happy happy people” (read: anywhere but asia!) lol
    Puppy could’ve been a good kisser πŸ™‚

  7. Randy said, on August 29, 2006 at 9:07 am

    Did they offer you some crack, because if not then that evening was a total waste :/ Especially if all you got was a kiss from a dog that likes to lick it’s ass. Hope you have better days

  8. Ray said, on August 29, 2006 at 9:50 am

    Did I personally call up GW, and request an invasion of Iraq? Heck no, I told that old boy that any old A-rab country would do just fine; heck, they is all the same anyway, aren’t they? That is what I tell folks who give me crap about Bush. I figure, you cant change world opinion one person at a time anyway, and making people nearly explode is one of the few free things to do around here! The smart ones know you are kidding, and the dumb ones don’t get it anyway, so lay loose with a barrage of right wing fanaticism, and while you are at it; mention how America saved X during whatever time seems to fit best. If you are truly an artist, you can piss off an Australian with this. Give it a shot, and see how people just warm right up.

  9. Geri said, on August 29, 2006 at 5:21 pm

    Huh. God really DOES hate you. I’m sorry. These posts all seem like a really bad Simpson’s episode …
    What brought you to JET in the first place? Can you only teach crotch grabbing little monsters through that program?

  10. Leon said, on August 29, 2006 at 8:46 pm

    I have no idea why you aren’t getting any comments, because these stories are hilarious. Keep up the good work!

  11. Emma said, on August 29, 2006 at 9:12 pm

    Poor Azrael…I know you probably don’t want pity, but I really sympathize with you, even though I’m a girl (so all my problems are with guys). However, I also fail at dating. Cue the “failure” music from The Price is Right now!
    I just visited San Francisco in June. It’s such a gorgeous place. I really want to live there now. (I was born and still live in Atlanta.)

  12. big bill said, on August 29, 2006 at 11:41 pm

    Sorry dude, but you are asking for it. I really like your blog and think you are a good person so don’t get me wrong, but it is not that God hates you but that you are not assertive and you put yourself in these unfortunate situations. Your girlfriend thing where she cheated on you like 5 times, that is your fault. Now don’t get mad. But you went back to a cheating girlfriend 4 times. 1 time is really all you should need. And these people were freaks. I know you didn’t want to be rude but you should really have asserted yourself when you started getting uncomfortable and left. Then you wouldn’t have had this horrible evening. But you chose not to.
    You probably think I am crazy but I think I might be right. Check out these guidelines of being assertive. I have no affiliation with these guys, I just thought this was helpful.
    Anyway man, don’t play the victim card too much. God doesn’t hate you. God helps those who help themselves. So help yourself by being assertive and standing up for yourself.
    Keep up this awesome blog! I am addicted and want to go to Japan as soon as possible!

  13. attractivist said, on August 30, 2006 at 6:31 am

    this is why you don’t pick up women you meet at flower watching groups. isn’t there some district in japan that’s a 24/7 party town? roppongi or something? but a flower watching group!? what!?!

  14. Zamo said, on August 30, 2006 at 1:10 pm

    God must really hate you… well, at least it wasnt all in vain, you got a smooch out of the dog.

  15. SuperHeavyBaby said, on August 30, 2006 at 2:31 pm

    “Cracking” post, mate. Geddit?
    And unbelivebly i’ve actually been kissed by a crackhead dog too. Except this dog knackered itself out and went to sleep on me too after all the jumping about.
    Nice blog Az, later.

  16. David said, on August 31, 2006 at 3:09 am

    Haha “I want to go back to Bush…”
    run the other way, my friend. This girl is not for you.

  17. Donald said, on August 31, 2006 at 10:37 pm

    Dude, Crack Puppy is the fucking funniest piece of litature I have ever read.. Ever.

  18. David said, on September 1, 2006 at 1:57 am

    It’s kind of weird but black people just aren’t as scary in other countries as they are in America. Here I see people cross the street to avoid me but in France (I just moved here) no one seems to be afraid of me. Instead of being black, I’m just American, whereas in America I’m the odd one out because I’m black. Does that even make any sense? Race in America is so screwy!

  19. eric said, on September 5, 2006 at 10:22 am

    At least it made for an interesting story, no? (Not that it doesn’t suck or anythinng ^^; Just ttrying to point out the positive side!)

  20. jay said, on September 6, 2006 at 11:26 pm

    hahaha … i’m sorry dude. i feel so bad you.. but it’s so funny.

  21. nkjchan said, on September 8, 2006 at 9:50 pm

    Congrats on your self-control. The whole not likely Bush thing helped, I’m sure, but still, if it were me, I’d probably start ranting about Japan and whaling. It’s annoying when people don’t know the difference between sharing an opinion and being tactless.

  22. quick said, on September 19, 2006 at 11:26 pm

    nice one i really laughed my ass off in the last 5 minutes πŸ™‚
    i like reading about your experiences from japan as i try to go there myself someday (after university i think still planning and looking for ways:))
    well have fun over there an write more!
    good job πŸ™‚
    greetings from germany

  23. griggs said, on October 19, 2006 at 7:16 pm

    Dude, you ARE his TV.

  24. Corey said, on February 14, 2007 at 10:13 pm

    oooooooooh another hilarious-at-your-expense one πŸ˜€
    Although I guess you and I learned that if someone constantly stares at you like people on the train, keep your distance….like the people on the train.

  25. Kristofer said, on February 11, 2008 at 3:34 pm

    I’m not even going to get into how funny it is that the advertisement on this page is for LOUIS ARMSTRONG RINGTONES!!! That’s just technology gone wrong… some poor program somewhere thinks this is a site for Satchmo fans…

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