Gaijin Smash

It Has Begun

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on April 20, 2005

I went to the Entrance Ceremony at the Ghetto School. The Entrance Ceremony is just to celebrate the new ichinensei class coming into the school. No, they didn’t pass any insane entrance exams or run The Gauntlet or anything like that. They just finished the last year of elementary school and became Jr. High Schoolers. Why does this warrant a ceremony? Well, Japan loves boring and pointless ceremonies, the end.
So a new school year has started. How things stand at the Ghetto School: the Cherry Boys are gone; the ichinensei are ninensei now; the ninensei are sannensei. Those ninensei bastards are now sannensei bastards, and have somehow gotten worse. I don’t know what the new ichinensei are like; I haven’t had class with them yet. As they marched in, I tried to identify any possible Kancho Assassins, but my senses are still down so I came up with nothing.
After the ceremony, as everyone was filing out of the gym, I happened to be walking right in the middle of the old ichinensei, now ninensei. Ultimate Kancho/Chidori boy came up to me and said hi. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn’t run away or Gaijin Super-Kick him or anything else pre-emptive. He asked to see my right hand. I was a little suspicious, but it’s only my hand, right? I reluctantly gave it to him. He took it and suddenly I felt something weird. What is that? Am I hungry? Nope, that’s not it. Sick? Nope, that’s not it either. Horny? God I hope not. I quickly realized that it was a very low-key, mellow version of my Dodgedick Sense™, mildly tingling. I began to make evasive maneuvers just as the boy took a stab at my dick.

This wasn’t even a grab attempt, this was a fast, David Carradine “Grasshopper I keel you!” stab at my dick! Thanks to my last minute warning, he missed and merely jabbed my thigh. He ran outside, smiling over his own cleverness. I ended that shit by catching up to him and grabbing him by the arms. You’d think by this time, they would have adjusted to my Surprising, Blinding Speed, but nope, they still don’t expect it. I wondered what to do with him. I thought maybe some good ol’ fashioned torture would work and I slung him over my shoulders by the arms and carried him around for a bit. I got tired of that fast though, so I put him down, and sent him off with a “Seventeen Years of Pain!” or something like that.
Meanwhile, Breasts Girl and her cohort caught up to me. “What’s penis in English?” she asked. Not this again. And why does she always pick now, in the middle of everybody to ask this? Since it was the Entrance Ceremony, it wasn’t just teachers and students, but also a lot of dignitaries, like the town mayor, some big shot from the board of education, and the PTA. Waitaminute, the PTA?! Aren’t they just some bored housewives/husbands with nothing better to do? You’d think, but here in Japan the PTA is like some Italian mob-owned, GOD-like Organization. “The PTA. Don’t fuck with us, or we’ll ruin your bake sale… Bitches.”
I told her there’s no way I was telling her that. She continued on with penis for a bit, until she changed it and asks “What’s oppai in English?” And we’re back. I pointed out that I’d already told her this, but she said she’d forgotten. “Too bad for you!” I said. “C’mon,” her friend urged, “tell us. It was something like bust, wasn’t it?”
Again, I’m completely amazed. It was probably a pure coincidence that she said bust, but how often do you fudge the pronunciation of a word into a completely different word, and yet have it be more or less accurate? I wish I could do that in Japanese, and I wish they had these kinds of Englishskills with non-anatomica things, but I guess beggars can’t be choosers.
However, with me completely distracted by Breasts Girl yet again (she has a way of doing this), Ultimate Kancho came back and made another attempt. You have to realize, I was walking in the middle of a crowd of ninensei students. He effortlessly and unnoticeably maneuvered his way through, parting them like Moses parting the fucking sea, to take a stab at my ass. I was thinking of the best way to lay my wrath upon him, when I felt something going for my dick. I turned to see Rasengan Boy, smiling as he too disappeared into the Sea of Students.
Whoa, hey, that’s my ass again! I turned to find yet another conspirator from the “Requiem For a Legacy” attack, smiling and fading away.
Goddamnit, my ass again! I turned one more time to catch the boy who’d said before, “Don’t look at me, I’m not in on this” making a hasty retreat.
Et tu, Brute?
It’s gonna be a long year.


23 Responses

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  1. Def.Con said, on August 22, 2006 at 2:11 am

    Poor you, can’t wait for the return of your Dodgedick Sense™, have you tried to Gaijin Stare them down yet?

  2. Gaijin Smash said, on August 22, 2006 at 3:48 am

    Still reading, Smash away.

  3. Bully said, on August 22, 2006 at 3:56 am

    It’ll be a lot shorter if you carry around one of those minaturized cattle prods they sell here. If nothing else, you might be able to get away with it when they teleport behind you in a deserted hallway.

  4. Archgabe said, on August 22, 2006 at 10:15 am

    *Sigh* It’s gonna be this again? These kids have too much time on their hands… And too much Kancho on the brain…

  5. Nastassja Riemermann said, on August 22, 2006 at 7:04 pm

    Have you ever tried just sitting down on the ground with your hands covering the front?

  6. George said, on August 22, 2006 at 8:15 pm

    Ow! I’m sorry to hear about all that koncho business >_<
    I really don’t want to see what sort of kharmic justice will befall those demented children…
    Good luck this year!

  7. shay said, on August 22, 2006 at 10:29 pm

    good luck man…

  8. Din said, on August 23, 2006 at 7:20 am

    So…. is every boy in school obsessed with your dick and ass? maybe you ought to walk bottomless one day to traumatize them.

  9. Spike said, on August 23, 2006 at 11:31 am

    Hahaha its hilarious

  10. CT said, on August 24, 2006 at 12:41 am

    seems like you NEED it.

  11. Ganesh said, on August 24, 2006 at 1:18 pm

    i think the best to make them stop is making a meeting with there parents
    1st the kids gonna be embarrased to death
    2nd the parents gonna be embarrased to deatch

  12. Tara said, on August 27, 2006 at 8:23 am

    Your site rocks! These are some seriously f-ed up children

  13. ashleigh said, on August 28, 2006 at 8:21 pm

    hey! well ive read ur thing/blog or what and and man that akuma (yes i do randomly put japanese words into my sentences) “ultimate kancho” needs to get a life lol…. well aho… like CT said u just need a gaurd! lol abayo az! email me back!

  14. Spizzazle said, on August 28, 2006 at 11:38 pm

    Perhaps wear a cup and ride one of those old-folks scooters (or too-fat-to-walk scooters) to move from place to place?

  15. Puchu said, on August 30, 2006 at 6:31 am

    Actually, it’s not a coinsidence that the girl said “bust”, cause if you check out the size labels on girls’ clothes in japan (which I doubt you do), they list height and the three sizes too, and bust put up as… yes, bust. in katakana, of course.

  16. Cori said, on August 30, 2006 at 2:22 pm

    Wear a cup.

  17. dange said, on September 3, 2006 at 6:02 pm

    anyone else watched old school SNL?
    sean connery:”yes trebeck ill take ‘anal bum cover’ for 500″
    trebeck: “no mr connery thats ‘an album cover’…”
    if i find one im sending it to you azrael!

  18. sara said, on September 5, 2006 at 1:34 am

    Oh.My.Gosh. Your stories are hilarious!! I’ve heard of kancho recently,but I didn’t realize it was that serious!!!

  19. celestial-salamander said, on October 17, 2006 at 7:40 am

    why don’t you just give them a ditention

  20. evil_tennyo said, on December 15, 2006 at 12:13 am

    great way to start the new school yr

  21. helloworld said, on April 11, 2007 at 12:53 am

    One of my kindergarten students knew that oppai = bust for some reason. And I don’t think she can even read katakana yet.

  22. Anonymous said, on August 13, 2007 at 4:23 pm

    oh my god, how boring are this stories about dick grabbing and ass fingering already?! psycologically speaking, you LIKE IT, because if you didn’t you’d do ANYTHING to stop it, just think of anything. you are not the only adult in japan.

  23. Anonymous said, on August 13, 2007 at 4:23 pm

    oh my god, how boring are this stories about dick grabbing and ass fingering already?! psycologically speaking, you LIKE IT, because if you didn’t you’d do ANYTHING to stop it, just think of anything. you are not the only adult in japan.

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