Gaijin Smash

Closing Time, Part 2

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on April 12, 2005

I came back from my lunchtime excursion to the safe haven of the teacher’s room without incident. Kancho Sense™ and all my other wonderful defensive tools were on the fritz, and the day was only half over. It was my carelessness last time that led to me being violated. So I would have to rely on other means for protection. I’d have to use my Oh Shit Something’s Coming! Sense. You’ll notice that this Sense isn’t trademarked, because it’s nothing original. Every guy who grew up in the mid-90’s has this sense. It’s a sense born out of necessity, for survival. Allow me to explain.
Back in The Day, the Internet was a way different beast than it is now. Now, it’s a vast and expansive resource… for porn. But back then, the internet wasn’t for porn! Shocking, I know, but bear with me. Of course, there was porn on the Internet, but it wasn’t easy to find. You had to lie to hundreds of disclaimer screens, and even then probably buy some really expensive membership. It could take hours just to find a site with free pictures. Nowadays, you can download porn DVD rips in under an hour. We’ve come a long way, baby.
So for us adolescent males, unless our dads had an easily accessible stash of videos or magazines hidden away somewhere, we relied on late night skin flicks on HBO, Showtime, and especially Cinemax to get our fix. These B-movie bombs were absolute wastes of the reels they were produced on. Their only purpose was to get some second rate actress (usually Shannon Tweed) naked and in a softcore sex scene for a minute or two. Even then, all we really got was boobies (not that I’m complaining; I likes the boobies). This was our excitement, ladies and gentlemen. The current generation of young boys have no idea how good they have it.


We’d check our handy Premium Entertainment program guide, using the warning labels as a gauge (BN = brief nudity, N = nudity, SC = strong sexual content). We’d scan the movie listing until we got to something that perked our interest (“N, N, BN fuck you, N….SC?! We have a winner!”), and then try to watch that movie late at night, while the rest of the family was asleep. As you can imagine, this was quite a stealth operation. We watched the movie without any sound (trust me, we weren’t missing anything) and acutely aware of everything that went down in the house. We could discern every little nighttime sound, from the crickets chirping, the family pet moving around, the wind through the trees, when someone was moving around in bed, and even the bed noises – general rustling, trips to the bathroom, or the “Hey, I think the downstairs TV is on!” roll-over. In case of emergency, we could switch the channel to Scooby-Doo reruns, throw ourselves on the couch, and pretend to have fallen asleep while watching cartoons. In order to live this lifestyle, we had to perfect the Oh Shit Something’s Coming! Sense. It was on this sense that I would rely for the rest of the day.
I passed most of the day in the teachers’ room, except for the Closing Ceremony. Afterward, one of my English teachers was retiring this year, so there was an additional meeting held with the ninensei as a goodbye of sorts. I attended this as well. As it finished, the students were released, and Spring Break started. I stood there, still kind of absorbing the atmosphere and getting ready to head back, when my Oh Shit Something’s Coming! Sense went off. I turned around to see My Friend pressed up against the back wall, trying some Tenchu ninja shit to sneak up behind me. I just looked at him, the expression on my face the universally understood, “You have got to be out of your mind.” The boy, his cover blown, dropped the stealth and just head-on rushed me, and completely unsurprisingly we were back in the Endless Waltz.
This time, with most of the ninensei still around I looked up and cried for help. Sometimes, some of the boys who aren’t in cahoots with this boy will drag him away, or whack him on the head until he runs off. But now, it was mostly girls still present. They looked at me and laughed, not lending any sort of hand at all. Thanks. I’mma remember this, girls. One day, this boy’s gonna get older, and then he’ll be coming for you (maybe), and when that happens I’m just gonna kick back, watch and laugh too.
I tried another call for help, and I guess the slight diversion of attention was all he needed. He broke a hand free– now, I don’t know why his hand was in a fist, it just was– and as his hand broke free, it continued straight on in a direct course. To my dick. That’s right, he punched me in the dick. It didn’t hurt, but I was not prepared for that shit. Is anyone ever truly prepared for a punch to the dick? I crumpled and fell over backwards. I was still however holding onto at least one of the boy’s hands, so as I fell backwards, I Mortal Kombat flip-threw him over me. I doubt it hurt, and even if I did I have no sympathy for him. I got punched in the fucking dick, that doesn’t just take the sympathy cake, it takes the sympathy dinner, the sympathy appetizer, and even the sympathy fucking indigestion.
I guess the flip-throw was enough to finally discourage him, as he got up and scrambled away. The girls meanwhile continued to laugh, and I lamented that I wasn’t part of the grading process so I could dock them a few points for bad samaritanism. 10 years from now, these girls will be English teachers who will watch as the poor foreign assistant English teacher tries to evade dick grabs and kanchos. It’s a vicious cycle.
And no, I’m not going to wear any cups/metal plates/extra padding to school. Don’t e-mail me about this.
I went back to the teachers’ room as the students made their way home. Usually, they have sports clubs after school, but the teachers cancelled the sports clubs and gave the students a hearty, “Enjoy your vacation!” I’m sure they wanted to get an early start on vacation as well. By the end of the day, all the students had left the school, except for boys’ tennis, which had NOT been cancelled. There they were, the only students left in the whole school, lobbing tennis balls back and forth. And who, pray tell, is the teacher in charge of boys tennis? Why, it’s Noisy Fucker! Of course! He didn’t bother to actually supervise the club, though. No, he stayed in the teachers’ room to torment us all. Every few minutes he’d take his bullhorn, go over to the window, open it and bark something through the bullhorn at the students. “Hey! Are you sitting down? There’s no sitting down in tennis! Get up and go hit some balls!” “Hey you. Run faster. You’re not running fast enough!” Then he’d sing his way back to his desk, right next to mine, and continue on with his version of the Never Ending Story, except unlike the real thing, his version never actually ends. And it has no plot. Or substance.
I really need this vacation.

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37 Responses

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  1. Dave said, on August 16, 2006 at 11:38 am

    Hehe… Your split-over-multiple-posts stories are great suspense.
    Have a Great Spring! (for whenever that was… probably the spring of 04 or something… but still – I’m nice like that)

  2. Chris said, on August 16, 2006 at 1:07 pm

    Enjoy your vacation man, sounds like you need it. I really dig the site it’s a very different view when I ask others about their experiences teaching overseas. It’s so much more honest than “The kids were great.” Or “I had so much fun.” I look forward to teaching myself, though it’s a bit far off. I start college in the spring. Although I’m praying I don’t have to play dodge games nearly as often as you did, but then my luck isn’t that good either. Anyway, Have a great vacation and do something insane… like airsoft.

  3. Joe said, on August 16, 2006 at 6:50 pm

    ok, so reading this is very funny for a time, but now reading it is just kinda painful. i almost feel bad laughing now. you should come back home to america man, back to the non dick-grabbing, non ass-poking youth. this has me convinced ill never go to japan.

  4. RoiyaruOokami said, on August 16, 2006 at 7:35 pm

    LOL!!! That Oh Shit Something’s Coming! Sense is dead ON! xD That had me laughing so hard because of how true it was.
    I wonder why he felt the need to ball his hand up into a fist, oh well…atleast you went down and atleast got him back in some way 😉
    Keep it up though, everything here is hilarious. Love the site and reading about your experiences there.

  5. b151 said, on August 16, 2006 at 9:16 pm

    great writing i always look forward to reading your site, a.) because is good and funny b.) because your the only writer for festeringass the regulary updates with good material
    keep it up

  6. cheeseyshay said, on August 16, 2006 at 10:37 pm

    have a nice time ^^
    i really love your blog, i’m thinking about doing the jet program too!
    (yay black japanophiles!)

  7. Gabe said, on August 16, 2006 at 11:59 pm

    Jesus, you got clocked in the dick? What the hell happened to Japan? I never remembered assault being a part of my short time there. Isn’t there anything you can do or are all the teachers there complete morons now?

  8. zen said, on August 17, 2006 at 12:05 am

    Well, I’m feeling like this is a waste of time trying to post. I’ve been trying for a month. Ether it is not getting there or, you are igging me. No matter.
    I’ve enjoyed reading your post and will continue.
    However, one thing, you really should have clocked one of those lil dudes before it got out of hand. RESPECT is a major thing! More so as a teacher. They have lost theirs for you, from what I can tell.
    Hella funny to read, sad to think about.

  9. paully said, on August 17, 2006 at 12:30 am

    man, you must be all japan’d out or in hickville JP… surely you can find something else to write about besides, erm, gyakuhomo[koku]rorikon? i dunno, what is it when young boys take a shiing to older men? less kancho/dilznick stories!!!

  10. Mel said, on August 17, 2006 at 12:40 am

    GOOD GOD! You have no idea how much I can relate to your application of the “Oh Shit Something’s Coming! Sense”. Classic.

  11. charmee said, on August 17, 2006 at 1:56 am

    I relied a lot on the ol’ Oh Shit Something’s Coming! Sense when I was like, eight years old. I used to read Little House on the Prairie under the covers past 3 AM.

  12. Anonymous said, on August 17, 2006 at 2:49 am

    That was a perfect description of the evolution of the “Oh Shit Something’s Coming! Sense.” I spent many a night in high school, kleenex in hand, perfecting it. Very nice description.

  13. Anonymous said, on August 17, 2006 at 2:49 am

    That was a perfect description of the evolution of the “Oh Shit Something’s Coming! Sense.” I spent many a night in high school, kleenex in hand, perfecting it. Very nice description.

  14. Warg said, on August 17, 2006 at 7:50 am

    HAHAHAa.. i remember this.
    Eh hehhe, he got u? *shakes head*
    I’d have paid to watch that.. Azz backflipping Watson(right?).
    How often do you curl upto into a ball and cry?
    ..

  15. Cee said, on August 17, 2006 at 11:36 am

    Geez, I’m totally addicted to this blog. I can’t get enough. The Oh Shit Something’s Coming!(TM) Sense…classic! Great post, as always 🙂

  16. alex said, on August 17, 2006 at 4:24 pm

    man, you got that “oh shit” sense right on. That could have been a word for word account of my middle school years.

  17. Fatty said, on August 17, 2006 at 6:19 pm

    Man, the whole Cinemax thing brings back memories. Sitting in the living room with the lights off, TV on with volume up and listening intently while waiting for the flash of boobies. Part of why living with only my mam sucked, it wasn’t until later on when I found the internet anyhow that she got a boyfriend who’s porno mags I could steal.

  18. Ben said, on August 17, 2006 at 7:07 pm

    haha. So far i love every story. Your explanation on the japanese obsession is completely true. Back in high school i wanted to do this, but after high school and was in the real world. I didn’t have such a desire to go to Japan. I guess its called growing up.

  19. Saiyanid said, on August 18, 2006 at 12:18 am

    Hahaha yea I still have that oh shit something’s coming sense. Ya see, I was part of that 90’s generation. No free internet porn like I got now. I had to wait up late at night and surf channels, usually Comedy Central and sometimes Univision for those commercials that would come up advertising Girls Gone Wild or something like that. The channel that we would have gotten HBO on got the scrambling signal of HBO. If this confuses you then just think back to the first American Pie Movie, in the first scene where the kid is jacking off to the scrambled HBO porn scene. Yea, just like that. I trained my senses so well I could hear them moving in their beds. I had excuses and escape routes ready just in case they suspected something or came out too fast for me to hide the evidence. Ahhh,those were the days….Ninja’s couldn’t have stood up to me back then.

  20. Tina said, on August 18, 2006 at 1:00 am

    I don’t understand the craze with the little boys touching…. there. Isn’t once enough?… -_- Why do they have to make a game out of it? –;

  21. Laura said, on August 19, 2006 at 12:11 am

    Not many women would admit this, but I, too, gained the Oh Shit Something’s Coming! Sense from late night porn marathons. But I was always brave enough to keep the sound on. Or maybe that was just stupidity.

  22. Mark said, on August 21, 2006 at 10:31 am

    Very good blogs, you have a intelligent wit and very funny style of writing, and I have highly enjoyed your funny adventures in the Land of the Rising Sun. However, I want to disagree with you about one thing you mention in this particular blog. Its about the example using pornography and Kancho Sense. You mention (in reference to porn and the avenues to get it): “This was our excitement, ladies and gentlemen. The current generation of young boys have no idea how good they have it,” as you compare the Kancho Sense with the stealth operations of young boys or teens watching porn (and keeping it away from their parents), and some of the behavior associated with it (ala watching TV shows, Internet, or pictures).
    The thing is, be very careful how you describe porn. It seems like you put it in a “normal” sense, that its not unusual for boys to watch porn as a way to get their sexual frustrations or feelings out, and that we all do it. I for one don’t, and have learned from books and speakers about how porn is a menace to society and to an individual that has terrible consequences.
    Porn is an addiction that corrupts minds, destroys marriages and relationships, and poisons the soul. It completely changes the behavior of a guy and makes them lose the reality of what sexuality is about. It depersonalizes the relationship and pleasure of sexuality, and ultimately desires the forbidden. So, Azrael, I think it is very important to understand that viewing porn is not normal for teen boys, but leads to abnormal behavior that can completely change a person’s outlook on life and sexuality.
    I’m not writing to sound preachy, but I think its fundamental to understand that some behavior that may seem normal and accepted among some are not always acceptable morally by others.

  23. Dram said, on August 23, 2006 at 11:58 pm

    For all the girls out there, the “OH Shit Something’s Coming!” sense is REAL, and if you don’t have internet for any period of time and happen to have a penis, oh and if you weren’t raised catholic or anything, you WILL use it. The sense also extends to neighbors who may or may NOT EVEN HAVE A VIEW OF YOUR HOUSE. If the user of the sense is good enough and has a more modern telivision they will turn down the brightness so as to avoid this as well as cutting down on any light that may reach a wall that is visible from any other portion of the house, occupied or not. The sense does not appear to rely on adrenaline as it is capable of maintaining a very extended use with no apparent physical repurcussions, this is debatable however and more tests may be necessary. The sense is negated by the sun as is known by any male who has ever attempted to, how should I put this, fuck himself, in any area exposed to widespread solar or artificial light sources; family members of the subject will suddenly gain the ability to teleport like the Japanese. Many historians believe that this may be evolutionarily linked. GO GAIJIN!!!!!!

  24. Anonymous said, on August 24, 2006 at 3:22 pm

    Man this blog entry made me laugh hard!

  25. Anonymous said, on August 24, 2006 at 3:22 pm

    Man this blog entry made me laugh hard!

  26. Daryl said, on August 28, 2006 at 12:28 am

    Yeah, i remember those days….the showtime, the staying up late with the lights off, throwing down the volume on the tv so no-one could hear, the heightened sense of awareness (TRUE ninja training occurs at these hours) along with the last minute contingency plans if my mother wakes up (I actually had to do the fake sleep thing once)To Laura, girl, porn IS a normal thing for young boys. US guys have testosterone, and it begins to rear its ugly little hear right as we are becoming teenagers. Porn, like alcohol, tv and food, can be addictivie. However, for me and every guy I know that HAS watched porn, NONE of us has gotten “addicted” or “hooked” There is nothing WRONG with having sexual desires, or as young boys do, watch porn to deal with these desires from time to time. It becomes a PROBLEM when we over do it. I’m ranting, people, so goodnight

  27. John said, on August 28, 2006 at 9:46 am

    Heh, the skills a generation of guys learned while trying to sneak a peak at skinamax on the downstairs tv has trained us better then any elite ninja master. Before the advent of easy access porn, im glad evil communist powers didnt realize this, they could have over thrown the governmernt by simply suggesting the president had a playboy in that little breifcase hes got the launch codes in.

  28. Late Night Porn said, on September 24, 2006 at 3:17 pm

    No Mark, I think your all alone there. 99% of the male US poulation from that generation would likely agree with Az.

  29. Saiyanid said, on September 25, 2006 at 3:24 pm

    Yea, every single guy I knew back in high school jacked off and watched porn. And I went to a Catholic School, so it’s not like if you’re catholic you’re not going to look at porn.

  30. Corey said, on February 14, 2007 at 9:00 pm

    Well atleast you had some kind of guide, I had to wait until it was late, watch the movie for 20-30 minutes (usually nothing happened) until there was a commercial, wait passed those damn commercials until it came back on and the warning message came up (This program may have scenes of nudity, sexuality etc…) and still wasn’t completely sure if it only said nudity because of a one second flash and sexual content because they were getting there but the phone rang/some other complete random person walked into the room (no the random people never join them) or something to distract them. But thankfully thats all changed now.

  31. Anonymous said, on April 16, 2007 at 10:51 pm

    That was the perfect observation! But I have to say even now I have gained the “OH Shit Something’s Coming!” sense in this day and age. It will exist until the end of time.

  32. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2007 at 12:36 am

    I was born in ’92. But I suppose I caught the tail end of that Something’s Coming Sense. I totally have that… And the porn thing, I used to look for that stuff everywhere on the internet and yes it was impossible to find. Luckily, I found a bunch of old Playboy in the basement. Now, however, we have handy Imageboards for all our pr0n needs!
    I used to stay up really late playing my Gameboy Advance or do so while pretending to do homework, and I always knew when somebody was nearing my room. I could even tell who it was by the way they walked up the stairs. It was all auditory. You just figured out what sounds certain people make when they do certain things in certain places and that’s how one could save one’s ass.
    Right on Az!

  33. Anonymous said, on April 24, 2007 at 12:36 am

    I was born in ’92. But I suppose I caught the tail end of that Something’s Coming Sense. I totally have that… And the porn thing, I used to look for that stuff everywhere on the internet and yes it was impossible to find. Luckily, I found a bunch of old Playboy in the basement. Now, however, we have handy Imageboards for all our pr0n needs!
    I used to stay up really late playing my Gameboy Advance or do so while pretending to do homework, and I always knew when somebody was nearing my room. I could even tell who it was by the way they walked up the stairs. It was all auditory. You just figured out what sounds certain people make when they do certain things in certain places and that’s how one could save one’s ass.
    Right on Az!

  34. Anonymous said, on October 25, 2007 at 9:26 pm

    You’re retelling of the soft-core cinimax is nostalgic. Oh being a teenager.

  35. Anonymous said, on October 25, 2007 at 9:26 pm

    You’re retelling of the soft-core cinimax is nostalgic. Oh being a teenager.

  36. Mimi said, on February 16, 2008 at 3:54 am

    I’m a girl and for some reason or another i have gotten the “oh shit something coming” sense. and i was born in ’88. i guess i’m just odd but i know what you mean.

  37. Ja said, on February 29, 2008 at 9:59 am

    There’s also the MGS-like stealthiness that you tend to develope too, the one where you knew exactly which floorboard squeaked, which step groaned under your weight, and just how long you had after turning on the TV to mute the damned thing before it woke your parents. It also developes an astonishing amount of stamina in your muscles. Sometimes you just have to hold that foot half way off the floor, or that drawer/door in place for a good long while while using your OSSC! sense to detect danger.
    And nowadays, I sometimes use that to sneak up on people in the house and scare the living bejeesus out of them. Yes, I’m that immature still.


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