Gaijin Smash

Closing Time, Part 1

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on April 8, 2005

In Japan, schools have “cleaning time” built into the schedule, when the kids (and occasionally the teachers) perform campus wide cleaning. It usually lasts about 15 minutes, and takes place after lunch or school. It’s an admirable thought, but kids are, after all, kids, so mostly they end up swinging brooms around and pushing dirt into places where you can’t easily see it. I always contribute to cleaning time in the American way – by sitting on my ass in the teachers’ room. I tell my kids that we don’t have cleaning time in America (at least, at any of the schools I went to) and this is absolutely shocking news to them.
On the last day before Spring Vacation, there was a big cleaning time, followed by a closing ceremony (Japan loves ceremonies). Everyone got out, rolled up their sleeves, and cleaned the school “by our own hands.” I played my part by rolling up my sleeves and checking Yahoo! News for the 15th time in 3 hours. Update, damn you, update. But eventually, I left the teachers’ room to go to the bathroom, and while I was up I figured I’d buy my lunch from the local convenience store.
On my way to the bathroom I suddenly got kancho’ed. The fuck is this?! I turned around, but my assailant had already passed. I looked forward to see the “I’ll get it one day!” boy, holding some kind of big box of supplies in one hand, walking by with a fat grin on his face. I couldn’t believe it.

And then, I just lost it. Maybe it was a combination of my mood, the ass-raping I’d taken two weeks before (see “Requiem For a Legacy”), and the fact that I’d already dropped the last barrier of American non-ass poking sanity I had left, but the kicker was his full-of-himself “I gotcha bitch!” grin. It’s like in the movie Titanic, when Leonardio DiCaprio stands on the bow of the ship and shouts, “I’m the king of the world!” and you just want to walk up behind him and push that fucker right off the ship. At least, that’s what I wanted to do.
Well, the Titantic and the Atlantic Ocean were a long way away, and this boy was no Leo, so I did the next best thing: I counter-kancho’ed him. Not my best moment, I know, but I don’t care. I didn’t give him the “One Thousand Years of Pain!” No, I just gave him the “Four Hundred Years of Pain!” or something like that. The boy turned around, completely shocked. Betcha he wasn’t expecting that shit! “Pervert! …Pervert!” He cried out.
Now waitaminute. This is the boy who has made an all-out effort to grab my dick, employing advanced strategy and tactics, even networking with other boys. This is the boy who, I had just accepted was going for my johnson every time I see him. Some people’s daily routines go something like: wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, take coffee break, take lunch, etc. Thanks to boys like him, mine goes something like: wake up, skip breakfast, go to work, play Dodgedick, etc. Yet somehow, I’m the pervert?! I couldn’t even respond to that; I was just in utter disbelief.
The boy ran ahead and put his box down. He then turned and made a beeline for me, rushing my shit down like a defensive linebacker. “No way,” I thought, “No way in hell would he seriously just walk up there, put his box down in the middle of ‘Big Cleaning,’ and turn around and…” That was about as far as I got before I had to catch his hands as he lunged for my dick. Once again, we find ourselves in this Endless Waltz. Sigh.
I wasted no time in running him to an open door, throwing him outside, then closing the door and jogging away to create distance. I sort of thought this had solved the problem. Nope. He came running up behind me. I increased the pace of my jog. He was closing in on me. I burst out into a sprint. A sprint, in the middle of a school hallway, to avoid getting my dick grabbed. That’s something special. I managed to outrun him at least back to the teachers’ room, which scared him off. Having survived yet another shocking incident, I collected what was left of my wits and went to get my lunch. On the way though, I realized two things.
1. Kancho Sense™ was still down. Damn. ANGST! I’d fallen a few levels, but it really only took me from “Crawling in My Skin” to “Numb.” Thank God today was the last day before vacation.
2. I had completely forgotten to go to the bathroom. Now that is a first. Have you ever just flat out, completely forgotten to go to the bathroom before? Having to run full speed from a Dick Grabbing Commando requires 100% concentration, and you know, other unimportant details like going to the bathroom, are put on the backburner for awhile.
This, however, was only lunchtime. The day was far from over.
To Be Continued…


8 Responses

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  1. Kris said, on August 15, 2006 at 7:01 pm

    I’m surprised at your level of composure. Me, personally, I don’t think how long I could take trying to get “Kanchoed” before I would actually lay the smack down on the kid and be kicked out of Japan.

  2. Aaron said, on August 15, 2006 at 8:56 pm

    You poor, poor man…

  3. theboogieman said, on August 17, 2006 at 1:35 am

    I’m surprised at the amount of restraint you currently have. I know if I was in your position I would of layed the smack down along time ago and be kicked out of the country for child abuse.

  4. Mark said, on August 17, 2006 at 10:41 am

    Man, these stories are funny as they are out of the blue. I mean, kids are always prone to try play with each other and mess with teachers, but to actually grab your “no-no’s?” In America, you would get severely punished for that kinda ish. Its funny how the other teachers don’t care and how they don’t get punished for laying their hands on the teacher, especially in the Downtown area.

  5. krystal said, on August 18, 2006 at 9:04 pm

    so you’re a compulsive “GHA IM BORED!” site checker too, eh? well, add to your list of “Sites to Visit Every Hour”. you’ll like.

  6. Yann said, on September 7, 2006 at 9:32 pm

    1st off, you’re site is hilarious. You have a terrific way of writing.
    I’ve lived in Bangkok, teaching for five years myself in a primary school.
    The place had its cultural quirks, much like the Japan you describe. From people’s completely irrational habit of stopping right at the bottom of escalators, to guests letting you prepare dinner but not showing up, in fear of making you “lose face” by refusing your invitation in the 1st place (“oh yes, they vely polite!”).
    Yet, besides some particularly frustrating aspects, I was really fond of the whole experience, and will likely go back to the area one of these days.
    I just thought I’d mention these cool books. They are 2 fiction novels that concern the life of “Farangs” in Bangkok. They also express the humour in living the culture shock in an Asian country.
    -Bangkok Knights
    -Kicking Dogs
    by Colin Piprel
    Keep writing.

  7. nkjchan said, on September 8, 2006 at 8:12 pm

    … Japanese boys are officially teh wierdness!

  8. Imam said, on September 9, 2006 at 12:18 am

    lol thank god i didn`t study shougakkou or chuugakkou in japan^^
    i never tried “thousand years of pain” “sennen goroshi” before…. you think i should try it?? lol
    i dunno if my 56 years old ojiisan would like it?
    good luck playing Dodgedick^^

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