Requiem for a Legacy, Part 3
I stood at the front of the class with my teacher, as the ichinensei slowly poured into the room. On an ordinary day, if I’d had my Kancho Sense™, it would have been going off like crazy. If I’d had my Dodgedick Sense™, that too would be sending little alarms off in my head, telling me to move my position or at least send out some “Black man’s gonna getcha!” Gaijin Intimidation waves or something. If I’d even had Kancho Time, I could have ran up the wall, backflipped over all of them, and ran downstairs back to the teachers’ room before they knew what hit them.
Instead, I stood there like an oaf, a Big Gaijin Target, oblivious as they gathered around me. Suddenly, a hand emerged from the crowd and tried to grab my dick. It missed, jabbing me in the thigh. I tried to reach down and grab the culprit, but the hand disappeared into the sea of bodies as quickly as it came. I knew, I just knew, it was from the Ultimate Kancho boy.
I looked up, and in a moment of classic 1980’s TV slow motion (the last of my powers?), I saw a sea of hands moving forward, closing in on my nether-regions. “Oh shit!” I exclaimed. I jumped behind my teacher, and used her as a human shield. Now, I know it’s not exactly honorable for me to have jumped behind a defenseless Japanese girl as the Kancho/Dick Assassins went on the offensive. But I don’t care. They were coming fast and hard, and they were coming for my shit, man. What else am I supposed to do?! I don’t regret it, not in the least. Protect me from your evil little people, woman.
However, Ultimate Kancho boy had teleported to the other side of the classroom, and with my ass perfectly unguarded he kanchoed me. I had no idea it was coming. I yelped out in surprise, jumping out from behind my teacher. Now, I was exposed to the mob. What happened next I can only describe as a Japanese-Roman orgy of grabbing and poking. I was gang-kanchoed/dick grabbed.
Doesn’t this count as rape in, oh, I don’t know, every other civilized country?
I can’t tell you who got what or what got hit or how many times. I don’t know how many of you have been in a position where 6-7 Japanese boys are grabbing your dick and sticking fingers up your ass simultaneously (show of hands?), but in that situation, you are only aware that you are being violated. I assume they got me good, but I honestly just don’t know. Maybe my mind is blocking it out, and it’ll take years of intensive therapy and thousands of Kleenex tissues to finally dredge it up again.
I jumped out of the mob, and right back into the offensive zone of Ultimate Kancho. He was not done with me yet, no sir. “Chidori!” he yelled, as he delivered another kancho. Another boy, I think he was the Kancho Assassin from the grassy knoll before, came around and yelled out “Rasengan!” as he grabbed my dick.
And now my life had turned into an anime.*
I realized that I was completely defenseless, and if I had any hope of actually surviving this thing, I’d have to go on the offensive again. I decided to go after the Rasengan boy. “Sabaku Sousou!” (Desert Coffin!) I yelled out, as I chased him down. The boy freaked, and dashed the hell out of there. I pursued, jumping over a desk to close the distance. “Teacher is fast!” some of the other attackers exclaimed in surprise, still not used to my Surprising, Blinding Speed. Rasengan Boy ducked out into the hallway to escape. I followed, and there I found something I wasn’t expecting.
There was another teacher, male, just standing out in the hall. He’d been watching the whole thing go down… and hadn’t done a thing about it. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! Man, what kind of country have I come to?!
Rasengan Boy tried to duck back into the classroom through the front door, but some other kids, bless their tiny little hearts, decided to help me out by holding him back. I went after him, when suddenly I got another kancho on my unguarded rear side. I turned to find the attacker who capitalized on the opportunity. I considered ignoring him for the moment to go after Rasengan Boy, but the second I took my attention off him he started closing in again. I ran back into the classroom from the rear entrance, sending him scrambling towards the front.
And then I got kanchoed from the rear again. I turned looking for someone to counter kancho, but no one was to be found. Now imagine this scene: a big black guy standing in a classroom, with an ass that smarts like no tomorrow, frantic and badly frayed. About 6-7 attacker boys, employing Metal Gear Solid Kancho skills as they strategically surround him and flank him one by one. (It’s times like these when I wonder how they lost the war.) And not one, but two teachers, standing around watching the whole thing happen. Oh, and the boys scream out anime attack names as they poke said black man in the ass and grab his dick.
I assumed a karate stance, ready to Kancho In Defense the first kid who came too close. I jerked around nervously, trying to access the situation and get an idea of where my attackers were. A boy walked directly behind me; I tensed up and jumped away. “Don’t look at me,” he said as he passed, “I’m not in on this.” My Kancho Sense™ would have known that. Up near the front, the teacher was finally ready to head to the teachers’ room. I needed to enter the hallway. The hallway was dangerous. I had no choice. I ran into the hallway, and came into a sliding stop again in my karate stance. I looked around. Boys. All of them potential Kancho Assassins. My ass. Wide open. My attackers. Lurking in the wings, like Predators.
My teacher stepped into the hallway from the front entrance. It was now or never. I made a break for it, knowing this would draw my assailants out of the woodwork. I got to my teacher before they got to me. Ultimate Kancho, Rasengan, and another boy stepped into the hallway. “OK boys, that’s enough,” the teacher said, you know, after I’d already been violated and tenderized.
I made it to the haven of the teachers’ room, but not the man I once was. No, I was once a proud pillar of Anti-Kancho, Dickdodging magnificence. Now, I limped gingerly to my seat, my tail between my legs, my ass no longer pure. This was definitely not in the contract.
It was then I realized that, with great power, comes great responsibility. Me getting the stuffing poked right outta my ass and my dick sized up by tiny Japanese hands was a metaphor (isn’t everthing?). It means that no matter what personal trials one may face, no matter how hard the times may be, how bleak the outcome may look, you can’t give in. You can’t submit to the ANGST! and wallow in moodiness and listen to Linkin Park songs on infinite repeat. No. You must face life head on, for if you do not, your Kancho Sense™ will shut down and you’ll get a pair of fingers jammed up your asscrack.
Who am I? I am a Japanese school teacher.
* “Chidori” and “Rasengan” are attack names from an action anime called Naruto.