Gaijin Smash

Requiem for a Legacy, Part 3

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on April 3, 2005

I stood at the front of the class with my teacher, as the ichinensei slowly poured into the room. On an ordinary day, if I’d had my Kancho Sense™, it would have been going off like crazy. If I’d had my Dodgedick Sense™, that too would be sending little alarms off in my head, telling me to move my position or at least send out some “Black man’s gonna getcha!” Gaijin Intimidation waves or something. If I’d even had Kancho Time, I could have ran up the wall, backflipped over all of them, and ran downstairs back to the teachers’ room before they knew what hit them.
If.
Instead, I stood there like an oaf, a Big Gaijin Target, oblivious as they gathered around me. Suddenly, a hand emerged from the crowd and tried to grab my dick. It missed, jabbing me in the thigh. I tried to reach down and grab the culprit, but the hand disappeared into the sea of bodies as quickly as it came. I knew, I just knew, it was from the Ultimate Kancho boy.
I looked up, and in a moment of classic 1980’s TV slow motion (the last of my powers?), I saw a sea of hands moving forward, closing in on my nether-regions. “Oh shit!” I exclaimed. I jumped behind my teacher, and used her as a human shield. Now, I know it’s not exactly honorable for me to have jumped behind a defenseless Japanese girl as the Kancho/Dick Assassins went on the offensive. But I don’t care. They were coming fast and hard, and they were coming for my shit, man. What else am I supposed to do?! I don’t regret it, not in the least. Protect me from your evil little people, woman.


However, Ultimate Kancho boy had teleported to the other side of the classroom, and with my ass perfectly unguarded he kanchoed me. I had no idea it was coming. I yelped out in surprise, jumping out from behind my teacher. Now, I was exposed to the mob. What happened next I can only describe as a Japanese-Roman orgy of grabbing and poking. I was gang-kanchoed/dick grabbed.
Doesn’t this count as rape in, oh, I don’t know, every other civilized country?
I can’t tell you who got what or what got hit or how many times. I don’t know how many of you have been in a position where 6-7 Japanese boys are grabbing your dick and sticking fingers up your ass simultaneously (show of hands?), but in that situation, you are only aware that you are being violated. I assume they got me good, but I honestly just don’t know. Maybe my mind is blocking it out, and it’ll take years of intensive therapy and thousands of Kleenex tissues to finally dredge it up again.
I jumped out of the mob, and right back into the offensive zone of Ultimate Kancho. He was not done with me yet, no sir. “Chidori!” he yelled, as he delivered another kancho. Another boy, I think he was the Kancho Assassin from the grassy knoll before, came around and yelled out “Rasengan!” as he grabbed my dick.
And now my life had turned into an anime.*
I realized that I was completely defenseless, and if I had any hope of actually surviving this thing, I’d have to go on the offensive again. I decided to go after the Rasengan boy. “Sabaku Sousou!” (Desert Coffin!) I yelled out, as I chased him down. The boy freaked, and dashed the hell out of there. I pursued, jumping over a desk to close the distance. “Teacher is fast!” some of the other attackers exclaimed in surprise, still not used to my Surprising, Blinding Speed. Rasengan Boy ducked out into the hallway to escape. I followed, and there I found something I wasn’t expecting.
There was another teacher, male, just standing out in the hall. He’d been watching the whole thing go down… and hadn’t done a thing about it. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! Man, what kind of country have I come to?!
Rasengan Boy tried to duck back into the classroom through the front door, but some other kids, bless their tiny little hearts, decided to help me out by holding him back. I went after him, when suddenly I got another kancho on my unguarded rear side. I turned to find the attacker who capitalized on the opportunity. I considered ignoring him for the moment to go after Rasengan Boy, but the second I took my attention off him he started closing in again. I ran back into the classroom from the rear entrance, sending him scrambling towards the front.
And then I got kanchoed from the rear again. I turned looking for someone to counter kancho, but no one was to be found. Now imagine this scene: a big black guy standing in a classroom, with an ass that smarts like no tomorrow, frantic and badly frayed. About 6-7 attacker boys, employing Metal Gear Solid Kancho skills as they strategically surround him and flank him one by one. (It’s times like these when I wonder how they lost the war.) And not one, but two teachers, standing around watching the whole thing happen. Oh, and the boys scream out anime attack names as they poke said black man in the ass and grab his dick.
I assumed a karate stance, ready to Kancho In Defense the first kid who came too close. I jerked around nervously, trying to access the situation and get an idea of where my attackers were. A boy walked directly behind me; I tensed up and jumped away. “Don’t look at me,” he said as he passed, “I’m not in on this.” My Kancho Sense™ would have known that. Up near the front, the teacher was finally ready to head to the teachers’ room. I needed to enter the hallway. The hallway was dangerous. I had no choice. I ran into the hallway, and came into a sliding stop again in my karate stance. I looked around. Boys. All of them potential Kancho Assassins. My ass. Wide open. My attackers. Lurking in the wings, like Predators.
My teacher stepped into the hallway from the front entrance. It was now or never. I made a break for it, knowing this would draw my assailants out of the woodwork. I got to my teacher before they got to me. Ultimate Kancho, Rasengan, and another boy stepped into the hallway. “OK boys, that’s enough,” the teacher said, you know, after I’d already been violated and tenderized.
Thanks.
I made it to the haven of the teachers’ room, but not the man I once was. No, I was once a proud pillar of Anti-Kancho, Dickdodging magnificence. Now, I limped gingerly to my seat, my tail between my legs, my ass no longer pure. This was definitely not in the contract.
It was then I realized that, with great power, comes great responsibility. Me getting the stuffing poked right outta my ass and my dick sized up by tiny Japanese hands was a metaphor (isn’t everthing?). It means that no matter what personal trials one may face, no matter how hard the times may be, how bleak the outcome may look, you can’t give in. You can’t submit to the ANGST! and wallow in moodiness and listen to Linkin Park songs on infinite repeat. No. You must face life head on, for if you do not, your Kancho Sense™ will shut down and you’ll get a pair of fingers jammed up your asscrack.
Who am I? I am a Japanese school teacher.
* “Chidori” and “Rasengan” are attack names from an action anime called Naruto.

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54 Responses

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  1. dhw682 said, on August 9, 2006 at 1:50 am

    you have a true talent for making such scenes quite epic. I can just imagine an action movie in all it’s excellence… anyways… sorry they finally violated u. Think it’ll stop now?

  2. Anonymous said, on August 9, 2006 at 2:09 am

    While I used to love coming to your site every few days to hear about your latest escapades and insightful commentaries on whack-job-Japanese-society, the whole kanchou thing is getting old fast. Was it really necessary to sprawl what was otherwise a valid message with 3 chapters of dick grabbing madness? Tone it down a bit bro and get back to your roots. Tell us about your students, the places you visit, the people you work with, but please, no more arse molestation. It’s gotten stale 😦

  3. Anonymous said, on August 9, 2006 at 2:09 am

    While I used to love coming to your site every few days to hear about your latest escapades and insightful commentaries on whack-job-Japanese-society, the whole kanchou thing is getting old fast. Was it really necessary to sprawl what was otherwise a valid message with 3 chapters of dick grabbing madness? Tone it down a bit bro and get back to your roots. Tell us about your students, the places you visit, the people you work with, but please, no more arse molestation. It’s gotten stale 😦

  4. Daniel said, on August 9, 2006 at 2:09 am

    This one has it all uaheuaheuahe
    Kancho Sense, Dodgedick Sense, teleporting, Kancho/Dick Assassins, Blinding Speed, Gaijin Intimidation…
    Priceless quotes:
    “I was gang-kanchoed/dick grabbed.”
    “About 6-7 attacker boys, employing Metal Gear Solid Kancho skills as they strategically surround him and flank him one by one.”
    Best one EVER 😀

  5. Jeff said, on August 9, 2006 at 2:11 am

    Dude I just want to say your stuff is some of the most funny stuff ive ever read but it has like, a light flaky crust of a moral to each story, heh, keep it comin

  6. Brian said, on August 9, 2006 at 3:41 am

    Bravo.
    On question though: does it suck being a Japanese school teacher?

  7. Jurgen said, on August 9, 2006 at 4:44 am

    Why can’t you slap them? Trying to molest someone is an offense, so why can’t you just give one of them a quick backhand? The rest of them should back off after that.

  8. A said, on August 9, 2006 at 6:08 am

    Hilarious as always. I discovered this column shortly after you’d moved to this new site, so everything is still new to me. Looking forward to the rest of your entries as you post them!
    Ahhh doesn’t Dickdodging imply that you’re dodging dicks instead of your dick doing the dodging?
    (If possible, please don’t approve this comment. Would rather it not be seen by anyone :P)

  9. Anonymous said, on August 9, 2006 at 7:28 am

    The Mighty Hero has risen again. Welcome back!

  10. Anonymous said, on August 9, 2006 at 7:28 am

    The Mighty Hero has risen again. Welcome back!

  11. Metanaito said, on August 9, 2006 at 8:06 am

    I’m not even gonna joke about this one. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Sounds like hell on earth (which from your position probably is). Just remember – you may have lost the battle, but you can still win the war. 🙂 Beat those little bitches into submission.
    With love,
    Metanaito

  12. Hikikomori NEET said, on August 9, 2006 at 9:01 am

    Whoo! You’re churning out entries like a machine gun!! I may never go bored again. ;-;
    So they finally got to you eh. Thus it is a lesson well learned. No matter what trials and tribulations you may face… nothing is more persistent than a Japanese school boy. ¦3
    …Well maybe a MOB of Japanese school boys.
    But I still give them kudos for finally getting organized and coming at you en masse.
    I can already imagine them, in the veil of an after school activity, in a hidden gym equipment storage room, recruiting members into their fold, increasing their numbers, and plotting a multitude of tactics on how to get through your Neo-like senses and defenses.
    Don’t asssume that they don’t know about it. They know everything. Do not trust their beady little eyes.
    I should know, I have beady little eyes too. >D

  13. KazumiKuwabara said, on August 9, 2006 at 9:52 am

    That had to be painful. I remember when you first posted this, I thought it was hysterical and printed it out to show my friends. We totally commend you on standing up to them for that long. Gambatte yo Gaijin-sempai! ^^

  14. btjon said, on August 9, 2006 at 9:54 am

    funniest story yet. i am still laughing at the “show of hands” line….keep them coming.
    and maybe look into buying a chastity belt..cover up the goods.

  15. Alex said, on August 9, 2006 at 10:10 am

    I knew they would get you eventually… Not all superheroes are invincible.

  16. Nick said, on August 9, 2006 at 6:00 pm

    you need to use your kancho sharingan or byakugan.
    that will show them!

  17. Max said, on August 10, 2006 at 11:37 am

    Dude, it’s just like Neo vs Agent Smith LOL
    Or Spider-man vs The Insidius Six.
    You guys could make this an anime like, you know…School Rumble…hehehhhe it’ll deffinately r0x0r.
    I’m 20 from Malaysia, yes I’m Asian, trust me, you ain’t seeing us doing that to anyone. Well unless it’s our classmates hehehehe some fun is needed in Elementary/Secondary school…but it gotta end when you start College or you’ll get your butt kicked.
    Later. May the force be with you.

  18. Brandon said, on August 10, 2006 at 12:02 pm

    I like your writing, and you have written several funny stories. But the Kancho and dodge dick stuff is getting old. Just a little constructive criticism… =)

  19. Anonymous said, on August 11, 2006 at 10:16 am

    mhm.. kancho love me on

  20. Anonymous said, on August 11, 2006 at 10:16 am

    mhm.. kancho love me on

  21. Rikki said, on August 11, 2006 at 2:09 pm

    Ah, man. I’ve seen this coming. That’s just.. that’s just insane. There is something seriously wrong with these kids. I’m shocked, amazed, and really very scared.

  22. Mitchell said, on August 11, 2006 at 8:50 pm

    Why the hell haven’t you beaten one of these kids yet? Do the American thing and solve your problems with violence.

  23. Curtis said, on August 11, 2006 at 11:52 pm

    parry, c.lk,x.lp,c.mk,xx,gaijin smash+psy-a, OTG c.lk,s.mp, / \, lp,lk,mp,gaijin optic blast,xx,super gaijin smash… guardbreak next would be assailant
    Has the thought of that ever crossed you mind?
    *I don’t expect anyone other than Az to really get this… unless you play various fighting games.
    … mebbe it’s the Korean backdash you need to master so you can run time down until you get to the teachers’ room. =P just remember, bb,d/b, b,d/b, b,d/b….
    … yea, I am a bit of a nerd. You might never know until I go off about fighting games. =x At least I figure Az might appreciate the reference.
    ~Curtis

  24. Anonymous said, on August 12, 2006 at 12:22 am

    I wasn’t under the impression that naruto was all that popular over there.It’s sure as hell a big thing here at the moment though(damned cartoon network.)

  25. Anonymous said, on August 12, 2006 at 12:22 am

    I wasn’t under the impression that naruto was all that popular over there.It’s sure as hell a big thing here at the moment though(damned cartoon network.)

  26. T said, on August 12, 2006 at 12:28 am

    I can see that the Japanophiles are out. How dare he expose the bad side of your perfect country?
    I’ve read these before, and they’re still funny. And to spoil it for you, the reason he can’t kick the kids’ butts is because of the PTA.

  27. Darighaz said, on August 12, 2006 at 12:47 am

    He just calls it as it happens… Its not like he just makes it all up in an attempt to be funny lol.
    You’re stuffs been funny for 3 years and its still funny now that it’s being reposted. Props to you sir 🙂

  28. Rasputin Disciple of Xenu said, on August 13, 2006 at 9:31 am

    Well Hell AZ.. time to make some money bro.
    just take a seat one day and say “alright you jealous little pricks.. 5 bux you get to tap it twice. girls.. it’s all free”
    Be like Ryo Saeba in City Hunter “thats right honey and in just a few more years I’ll take ya out and let you use it”

  29. Kyle Sutton said, on August 13, 2006 at 11:27 am


    Sounds worse than jail could ever be.
    I weep for you and your ass.

  30. zen said, on August 14, 2006 at 1:04 am

    That was off the hook funny. I bet they had a kancho victory festival afterwards.
    But why did’nt you just clock one of those lil spawns in the begining?

  31. Mel said, on August 17, 2006 at 12:29 am

    Dude, you’re one brave guy…facing that sort of danger everyday. Btw, I think “Katon: Karyuu Endan” would have been a WAY better attack. But thats just me. 🙂

  32. Warg said, on August 17, 2006 at 7:43 am

    This is just as painful the second time around.
    painfully funny for me, just damn painful for you i’d assume.
    I too weep for you and your tenderized ass..
    btw, the writing itself continues to ammuse and amaze.. i’ll be looking forward to the new stuff.. but no rush.
    ..

  33. Emma said, on August 20, 2006 at 4:23 pm

    Hey Azrael, I have a question. Are female teachers, gaijin or otherwise, ever kancho-ed? I’ve read three different tales of gaijin teachers in Japan, but they’ve all been male, and they’ve all been kancho-ed. I’m just curious.
    I just got into your site and damn it, you’re hilarious! Keep on truckin’ and all of that.

  34. kyle said, on September 2, 2006 at 8:18 pm

    Funny stuff. You’re a great story teller, the stories you tell are like pictures put into words. This “epic” is one of the best yet. But dude, you’ve gone over two years untouched and you finally got it. You made it this far, at least.. you may no longer be able to say that no little Japanese kid has ever kanchoed or grabbed your stuff, but you held your ground this long and that’s something to be proud of.

  35. Chandi said, on September 8, 2006 at 9:19 am

    (Oh, I’m also curious about if female teachers ever get kancho’d Oo). I can’t believe that the other teachers could just watch that! What’s wrong with them?!
    (Also, I love your writing. It’s very interesting to read about your experiences as a teacher.)

  36. Anon1 said, on September 11, 2006 at 2:12 am

    Had the same experience with a whole playground full of elementary school girls here in the states when I was a mint-condition substitute teacher.
    They quietly surrounded me near a full swing set while I was talking to some other teachers. No place to escape unless I wanted to get owned by some 10 year old putting two feet through the side of my temple. One girl, could be Ultimate Sweetness’s younger American cousin, pretended she had something to tell me. I bent down to hear her and was roundly assaulted/molested/tenderized by waves of groping, poking, ungentle hands.
    All the other teachers could do was choke on their whistles laughing . . . Thanks. I feel your pain brother. I’m no longer in mint-condition myself.

  37. Chase said, on September 15, 2006 at 2:11 am

    Hi there, i’ve just started reading your blogs recently (a former professor e-mailed me the link), and I have to say that I was honestly waiting for something like this to happen ever since you mentioned 1000 years of pain to the first kid. Not that I’d laugh at your pain or anything (thank god I got assigned to a high school instead).
    Also, why don’t you just buy a cup? I would have if I was you~

  38. Joe said, on September 16, 2006 at 5:21 pm

    XD I first read this several months (a year?) ago, and had no idea what Rasengan and Chidori were. Over the past few months, I’ve been getting into Naruto, and it makes it all the more funnier (Plus 1000 Years of Pain!). Keep it up.

  39. Kerii-chan said, on September 17, 2006 at 6:38 pm

    *still laughing hysterically* You were using Naruto techniques still! Thousand Years of Pain and Chidori and Rasengan and best of all, Sabaku Sousou! XD Gaara’s my favorite character ever, so it makes this a million times more funny. I swear, if someone pulls the Lotus, I’ll pop a vein laughing.

  40. chris said, on January 1, 2007 at 6:55 pm

    you poor guy you brave man i swer if id got kanchod and grabd like that id have lost it there not kids there kanch dick grabing monsters. how you get thogh the week is beond me if only you learnd shadow clone jitsu you could chase the lot of them monsters.

  41. Anonymous said, on January 1, 2007 at 10:24 pm

    CHIDORI!
    RASENGAN!
    Best one so far. 😀

  42. Anonymous said, on January 1, 2007 at 10:24 pm

    CHIDORI!
    RASENGAN!
    Best one so far. 😀

  43. Gai said, on January 29, 2007 at 5:18 am

    LEE! Don’t give up, fight back with the spirit of YOUTH!

  44. Corey said, on February 14, 2007 at 8:40 pm

    Wow, they probably celebrated after they finally kanchoed/grabbed your dick… which would be pretty creepy celebration.
    Normally, most anime loving people would want their lives to be animes but I guess fate wanted you to have the most painful one…. damn fate.

  45. Minimana said, on September 4, 2007 at 4:31 am

    OMG!!!
    That’s freaking hilarious! You are scarred for life!
    Keep up the great posts. Loving your site.

  46. justine said, on September 22, 2007 at 3:54 am

    aww so you do get kanchoed. well that sucks, but is damned funny from my end 😛

  47. Mimi said, on February 16, 2008 at 3:46 am

    What’s really funny is your “thousand years of
    pain” reminded me of when my younger brother and i were watching Naruto’s teacher poke him in the ass.
    He’d called a “thousand years of death.” in
    either case i still feel sorry for you. your students are all nuts.

  48. Jay said, on March 11, 2008 at 6:45 pm

    XD And I thought a urethra swab was sore…Which was worse? the Urethra Swab or the Kancho/dickgrab combos?
    Poor guy…

  49. George said, on October 5, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    So they finally go you, huh? That really is crazy.

  50. Anonymous said, on November 27, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    rape.
    it’s kind of like saying “hello” in japan.

  51. Anonymous said, on November 27, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    rape.
    it’s kind of like saying “hello” in japan.

  52. John said, on February 23, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    dude.. sabaku sousou..
    you’re way too awesome xD

  53. Anonymous said, on May 15, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    wow… the irony in this is there was a naruto ad on the page while i was reading it.

  54. Anonymous said, on May 15, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    wow… the irony in this is there was a naruto ad on the page while i was reading it.


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