Gaijin Smash

Requiem for a Legacy, Part 2

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on March 24, 2005

I should explain that I’d been in a bad mood pretty much all week. I won’t get into why, but I’ll just say I had trangressed above and beyond the limits of any Xanga/Live Journal angst. No! I’d ventured into true ANGST! territory. Linkin Park would have taken one look at me and said, “Wow! Even we can’t out-ANGST! him.” It was that bad.
If you saw Spiderman 2, you know that everything is going the wrong way for Peter Parker, and he just doesn’t feel like being Spiderman anymore. He goes into a personal funk, and as a result, loses his powers. I think something like that happened for me and my Kancho Sense™ and Dodgedick Sense™ With my ANGST!-y apathy reaching astronomical levels, I just didn’t have the heart for dick/ass preservation. This would be my downfall.
So without my senses, wounded and vulnerable, I went to the ichinensei class.


I should explain another interesting quirk of the Japanese school system. Their final exams actually occur well before the end of the term. During that time after the tests, the teachers try to hold serious classes with instruction. However, this is also immediately before a vacation, and none of the material they’re covering will be on any kind of test. The students know this. Of course they don’t want to pay attention, and are already forgetting what little they did learn. This is how I found the ichinensei that day. I was supposed to do Daily Questions…circulate around the classroom asking each student a simple question. I came to one boy in the second row and asked, “What do you have for breakfast?” “No.” he responds.
THAT IS NOT A YES/NO QUESTION!
Note to Self: next year, institute the “English Mallet of Justice.” Anytime you ask a question and get, “Goodbye!” or “No!” or “Go to hell!” as a response, whip out the Mallet and dispense swift, extremely prejudiced Justice. It’s called tough love, babies.
I told him to try again. “No breakfast,” he said this time. Well, closer. I finally got, “I don’t have breakfast,” out of him and moved on. “How’s the weather today?” I asked the next boy. “Shining Moon!” he replied. I still can’t even begin to comprehend that one. I told him to try again. “Golden Moon!” he said this time, now pointing up at the sun. Getting closer, I suppose, but that is not the moon! Keep in mind that the word I was looking for was “sunny.”
I moved onto the next row, a girls’ row. Breasts Girl was up. “How many comic books do you have?” I asked. “One million,” she said in Japanese. I tell her to say “one million” in English, but she said that was too hard. So I suggested she use a lower number, like 4 or 5. “How many comic books do you have?” I asked again.
“Penis,” she replied. Great, you have penis comic books.
I told her to try again, but use a number this time. “How many comic books do you have?”
“Breasts!” She’s baaaaaaaack.
I got through the Daily Questions and moved onto the main content of the class. While the teacher was explaining grammar, I did something I rarely do in class. I sat down. Yes, my ass STILL hurt from the previous missed kancho. That sure was the Kancho to Rule Them All. I’m certain my forefathers felt that shit. Somewhere in history, Abraham Lincoln gets up, takes the podium, and says, “Four score and seven – OW!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!”
Class eventually ended relatively incident-free, but I was still too deeply immersed in my ANGST! to notice or care that my two vital senses were down. The chimes rang, and with my defenses still down many other ichinensei now flooded into the room.
To Be Continued…

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17 Responses

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  1. Drew said, on August 7, 2006 at 1:26 am

    As someone who listens to Linkin Park, I found your comment about them pretty funny. Great writing, keep it up!

  2. Mike said, on August 7, 2006 at 4:48 am

    Seems like your passage to the dark side has only just begun, young Jedi.
    My heartfelt wishes for you to see the error and return to the light side of the force.
    But, alas, for the time being, something, of which you will not speak, has robbed you of your powers.
    You see, as you noticed your special senses to be inactive, your Gaijin Powers (TM) have also waned.
    Else that ‘1000 years of pain’ move would have worked.
    I don’t know what got into you. Having personal problems myself, I make it easy onto myself to tell you get that funk the hell over with.
    You can’t afford not to deal with negative emotions.
    Kind regards,
    Mike

  3. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2006 at 5:50 am

    What? Is that it for part 2?

  4. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2006 at 5:50 am

    What? Is that it for part 2?

  5. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2006 at 1:04 pm

    I fear for your nether regions. v.v

  6. Anonymous said, on August 7, 2006 at 1:04 pm

    I fear for your nether regions. v.v

  7. DJ-Panic said, on August 7, 2006 at 5:07 pm

    Let the angst flow through you!
    Or don’t, but whatever you do, you must recover dodgedick and kancho-sense! It’s a matter of survival man!
    Or, you could just respond to people as we did when I was in high school, with a simple “Angst-you very much!”

  8. jestergod said, on August 7, 2006 at 8:59 pm

    cheer up. i can imagine you have some personal stuff goin on. i know i do. just gotta rewind that part of your life, look at it from a different view and find something that makes you smile from it. i know you don’t know me and i don’t know you except from your writings, but i’ve always found this advice to help me out in times of “funk” (and i’m not talkin 70’s music damnit! 😛 j/k). i hope that you just look around, and notice one thing that will brighten your day. look forward to readin more!

  9. Jim said, on August 8, 2006 at 3:19 am

    Dudes, keep in mind that these are OLD journal entries REPOSTED. Its over and old.

  10. Teratomarty said, on August 8, 2006 at 9:06 am

    I have devoted a certain amount of thought to anti-Kancho tactics, apart from the 1,000 Years of Pain. That form of retaliation is playing along; I presume that you want something that will make them stop the effort entirely.
    1. Supposing that the kancho game is based on the perpetrators’ sexual insecurities, you could try countering with the Bugs Bunny maneouvre: a big, sloppy kiss planted on the Kancho culprit.
    2. Supposing that kancho is based on potty humour, you could force the villain to put the kancho finger in his or her mouth.
    In the western world, either of these maneouvres would constitute sex abuse, especially if a teacher inflicted them on a pupil. However, so would 1,000 Years of Pain, so perhaps Japanese society allows adults to take innovative kancho defence. However, I would still recommend that you try any new counterattacks in a kancho proving ground, such as a distant mall, in case they backfire somehow.
    Failing all else, I suppose you could order some stainless-steel briefs from a bondage site.

  11. Hikikomori NEET said, on August 8, 2006 at 10:13 pm

    As with [Anonymous at August 7, 2006 05:50 AM], I too fear for your nether regions. v.v
    What could have been coursing through the boy’s mind when he said Shining/Golden Moon?! XD
    If you think about it, “Sun” is easier said than “Moon”. So Shining/Golden Sun would have been a more easier word to utter.
    Maybe he was still thinking about an anime show he was watching the night before.
    And as for [“Breasts!” girl]. Hmm… she really is outspoken isn’t she. ^o^
    That is all.
    I will try to make it my mission to post comments in all of your entries. >D

  12. Anonymous said, on August 12, 2006 at 6:14 am

    At least you didnt ask Breast girl what she had for breakfast.

  13. Anonymous said, on August 12, 2006 at 6:14 am

    At least you didnt ask Breast girl what she had for breakfast.

  14. Romanticide said, on August 28, 2006 at 12:04 am

    crawling… in my ass!!!! sorryy couldn’t resist it

  15. Mizuko said, on September 21, 2006 at 6:58 pm

    ………………………….Nani?

  16. chaitea said, on December 17, 2007 at 1:52 pm

    Now I’m wondering how my Spanish teacher would react if I told him “Tengo pene libro de cómics”. God knows I wouldn’t try.

  17. YamiK said, on April 17, 2008 at 6:16 pm

    I personally think your story should be made into a show. Everytime I read one of these it becomes animated in my mine; making it 100x funnier!


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