Gaijin Smash

A Desperate Struggle

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on March 12, 2005

I had just finished an ichinensei class with the “Big-Headed Boyfriend” teacher at the ghetto school. I was talking to a boy near the front, when another boy entered the room from the rear, and started walking towards us. “Hello,” I casually said to him.
He said nothing in response. He did nothing except keep walking forward. Suddenly, my Kancho Sense™ started BLARING. Sure enough, without one word he simply walked behind me and tried to kancho. This freaked me out a bit– the kid was a mindless, soulless, kancho assassin! Thanks to my trusted Sense, I was able to reach behind me and successfully grab his hand.
But.
The boy in front of me decided that now would be a great opportunity to grab my dick. Thankfully, my Dodgedick Sense™ went off as well, so I grabbed his hand in time. Now both my hands were tied, while each boy still had a free hand with which to go for my dick and poke me up the ass. I have a bad feeling about this.


I had to do some serious dancing to avoid being grabbed and poked. I was on some Michael Flatley Lord of the Dodgedick shit. You’d have to tape me and play it back in slow motion to capture the swift maneuvering with which I defended my crotch/ass region. I realized that I couldn’t keep this up forever, and at some point I’d have to think of a way out. To make matters worse (worse?!), a third boy appeared from out of nowhere (more Japanese teleportation?) and started going for whatever was open. To review: I had the Kancho Drone to my rear, Dick Grabber #23 on point, and Random Kid on assist, forming a perfect Triangle Molest Offense. Both my hands were tied, but I had 4 free hands going for my stuff. I was being rushed down like an Asian girl at an anime convention.
I suddenly had a Wachowski brothers moment – everything went bullet time (Kancho Time?) on me, as the world slowed almost to a halt, giving me time to think up my next move. My first idea was to just Gaijin Smash my way out, but as I had that thought I also had the classic internal moral argument, manifest in the Looney Tunes white angel/red devil versions of myself on my shoulder.
Devil Az: Gaijin Smash! ’em straight to hell. It’s the only way.
Angel Az: You can’t do that! You’re like three times their size.
Devil Az: Great, that’ll make it easy.
Angel Az: But, they’re only 12-year old boys! They don’t know any better.
Devil Az: They’re 12 year old boys trying to grab your dick and poke you in the ass. All bets are off.
The Angel won (he always does…. *grumble*) and I had to think of a new plan. Still working on Kancho Time, I let go of the two boys hands, and with my right hand guarding the front and the left for the rear, I started to manually parry the attacks. I used my eyes for the front, and relied on Kancho Sense™ to help me with the back. Spotting an opening, I broke the Triangle Molest Offense and backed myself into a corner, literally saving my ass. I now parried the frontal attacks with both hands, but I wouldn’t be able to keep this up for long either.
Just out of curiosity, I looked up to see where the other teacher was. She was calmly packing away her things at the front and casually talking with some of the girl students, seemingly oblivious to what was going on. Take a moment to think about that, if you will. In a classroom you have a large black man cornered by three Japanese boys trying to shove fingers up his ass and grab him by the dick, while the teacher, less than 5 meters away, casually talks with the girl students about TV or something. That’s just how it is here.
Back to the action- I managed to grab two boys by the arm, then pulled them inside to act in tandem as a shield against themselves and the third boy. With those two thrown off their game, I forced them to the floor (simultaneously, using only one arm per boy!) and on their stomachs. I dropped to my knees and roared, “It’s my turn now!” The boys suddenly developed beastly strength, broke free from my hold, and got the hell out of dodge. I don’t even think they ran away, just *paf* gone! Frayed, I took a moment to collect myself, then returned to the teacher. She finished her conversation with the girls, looked up at me, and said “Oh, the boys seem to enjoy playing with you very much.”
Yeah. One might say that.
That was definitely the most dangerous situation I’ve ever encountered. I had three boys going for both fronts, but somehow I still escaped unmolested. I realized then that I had ascended to some sort of Anti-Kancho/Dodgedick Ninja Mastery. With my Kancho Sense™ and now Kancho Time abilities, I am The One who will bring down the system.
Bring it bitches, I’m ready for ya.

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48 Responses

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  1. escargot said, on July 28, 2006 at 12:30 am

    Haha, this is my favorite F.A. site! Stay strong Anti-Kancho/Dodgedick Ninja! I hope it doesn’t get to the point where you have to invest in a cup.

  2. Chris said, on July 28, 2006 at 12:36 am

    I’m thinking of teaching in Japan simply to gain master ninja speed and extra-sensory abilities after all these stories…

  3. Alex said, on July 28, 2006 at 1:32 am

    You’re totally going to get kancho’d big time now you realise?

  4. KanchoAssassin said, on July 28, 2006 at 2:18 am

    XD! I cracked up while I was reading that. It seems to be becoming quite a bit harder now, eh? Keep ’em coming, man.

  5. Georhe said, on July 28, 2006 at 4:22 am

    If George Lucas had used you as Qui-gon-jin in the first flim there would never of been a sequal 😛

  6. matt said, on July 28, 2006 at 4:27 am

    you are the man. keep on writing.

  7. gb said, on July 28, 2006 at 5:01 am

    haha.. i reckon this could have a good shot at making a movie.. funny ass… specially this one.. =D

  8. Adalmin said, on July 28, 2006 at 6:15 am

    This deserves some kind of celestial choir singing praises of your superhuman abilities.
    Every time you Kancho Dodge, remember, angels are orgasming.

  9. Nanaki said, on July 28, 2006 at 6:59 am

    Sounds more like they will keep rushing you until they win. Like the sea eventually engulfing the sand castle. =)

  10. Dave said, on July 28, 2006 at 7:18 am

    Amusing, as ever 😀 – you should get those senses US Patented.. – everything else is.

  11. matt said, on July 28, 2006 at 9:26 am

    So… how long until a new update? It seems to me you are just reposting the old editorials with current dates.

  12. Archgabe said, on July 28, 2006 at 9:35 am

    I bow to the master.

  13. Brad said, on July 28, 2006 at 10:21 am

    I never knew reading about young boys tryting to grab your crotch and stick fingers up butt hole could be so entertaining.

  14. Brandon said, on July 28, 2006 at 12:25 pm

    Ok. I’m curious. The kids think it’s a game, and you continue to block and fight back like it’s a game. Why not take control and punish them if it’s really an issue?

  15. dan said, on July 28, 2006 at 3:57 pm

    Now you just have to come up with some kind of ki blast that will throw them back. That would be so sweeetttt!!! 😄

  16. open_sketchbook said, on July 29, 2006 at 11:47 am

    Holy shit, I can see it in my head; the slow motion, the parries, the attacks, the pwnage… amazing.

  17. voodoomagk said, on July 29, 2006 at 12:45 pm

    fuckin’ pervs.

  18. Pete said, on July 29, 2006 at 4:32 pm

    lol love your stories gaijin. I dont know what I would do in this situation but a passive approach could be to start wearin a cup and ducktaping your butt crack. doesnt seem like they want to stop til they reach their objective but if you were to make it appear that their goal is unachievable it might fend them off. then again it could instigate a whole new set of problems. kicks to the groin off the top of my head. neways keep up the funny stuff and good luck.

  19. Pcrunk said, on July 29, 2006 at 7:23 pm

    “I was being rushed down like an Asian girl at an anime convention.”
    hahahaha…priceless

  20. Anonymous said, on July 29, 2006 at 10:24 pm

    You should start wearing a cup, at least that takes care of one side.

  21. Anonymous said, on July 29, 2006 at 10:24 pm

    You should start wearing a cup, at least that takes care of one side.

  22. Anonymous said, on July 30, 2006 at 12:57 am

    looool!
    can’t you beat those kids or something?
    cuz they can’t just kancho your ass and get away with that!
    anyway, have you ever considered sending those stories to some anime production company or something? cuz it’s gonna be cool 🙂

  23. Anonymous said, on July 30, 2006 at 12:57 am

    looool!
    can’t you beat those kids or something?
    cuz they can’t just kancho your ass and get away with that!
    anyway, have you ever considered sending those stories to some anime production company or something? cuz it’s gonna be cool 🙂

  24. amiya said, on July 30, 2006 at 4:05 am

    maybe they are just afraid of you, so they attacked u.

  25. Gaijin fan girl said, on July 30, 2006 at 4:59 am

    oh my god, how can you possibly deal with this stuff? i am literally crying i am laughing so hard, but please forgive me for that, I am so sorry you are treated like that though, your entries on this site totes opened my eyes to a different Japan, i’m extremely scared to actually ask my Japanese boyfriend about this type of stuff haha we haven’t entere the stage of being totally open, but i laughed at the South Park one, he told me the first time we spoke to each other that he learned most of his english fro Shania Twain songs and South Park on the inside i was going “oh boy..” so i constantly hear about who’s ass he’s going to put his foot up and what not, and you’re right about the compliment thing to! He refuses to take my compliments! but enough rambling i wanted to express a thank you to you for writing these, they are very educational and entertaining as well!

  26. Nick said, on July 30, 2006 at 5:57 am

    Somehow, I predict this sort of thing will be on television in the near future.

  27. Charon said, on July 30, 2006 at 7:32 am

    I’ve been a big fan for a while… This one here’s always been one of my favorites.
    “Michael Flatley: Lord of the Dodgedick” Heh heh heh. They have no idea who they’re f****** with, do they?

  28. Mike said, on July 30, 2006 at 9:16 am

    WHAT THE FUCK?! Man, that shit doesn’t fly here. Do the teacherly thing and call their parents ;D

  29. ree said, on July 30, 2006 at 5:59 pm

    hahaha!

  30. BklynBruzer said, on July 30, 2006 at 6:13 pm

    Just an FYI, everyone, the old editorials are still on Az’s site. Just not linked to.

  31. Silvertail said, on July 31, 2006 at 12:29 am

    Any advice on avoiding the dreaded kancho? I will be taking a teaching job in Japan soon also, so I figured another gaijin might be able to help me hone my senses…

  32. sally said, on July 31, 2006 at 6:11 am

    hilarious

  33. OSW said, on July 31, 2006 at 8:19 am

    lol, nicely done…
    i’ve had a few moments like these with my younger brothers.. but they’re not actually aiming for my dick/ass, although sometimes their kicks land there …. damn

  34. Mike said, on July 31, 2006 at 2:13 pm

    Teehee, there might be two analogies in there from popular storytelling.
    One would be to seek a great wise master (preferably played by Pat Morita) and learn from him how to stay on top or some such.
    The other is about your inner struggle and when you are going to give in to the devil Az and gaijin-smash your way out of these situations.
    But beware, one gaijin-smash can irrevocably lead you down the path to the dark side…

  35. jo said, on July 31, 2006 at 8:44 pm

    this was a good post. i really liked this one. you tell the story really well. you made it far more interesting than it could have been. keep it up!

  36. zen said, on August 1, 2006 at 4:52 pm

    Well, done black dragon. You will now pass to the next level. May the force be with you.

  37. Arne said, on August 2, 2006 at 7:43 am

    How do Japanese deal with Kancho? (I guess they don’t have to deal with dick grabbing a lot *g*)
    I guess they don’t defend as much as you do, so you’re a more thrilling victim for the kids…
    Would be great if you drop a few lines how Japanese teachers react to Kancho.

  38. Anonymous said, on August 2, 2006 at 11:16 pm

    uhm….. @_@

  39. Anonymous said, on August 2, 2006 at 11:16 pm

    uhm….. @_@

  40. Krn8oi said, on August 4, 2006 at 3:34 pm

    Japanese are funny people

  41. Sammy said, on August 8, 2006 at 9:43 pm

    Wow! This could be the plot of some Yaoi manga…

  42. Hank said, on August 20, 2006 at 4:19 pm

    How you keep yourself from just kicking them to the next room?

  43. orioza said, on September 11, 2006 at 10:44 am

    The’re gonna get to your package one day. How long can you keep it up? The numbers are just gonna keep increasing and the attacks more creative. Your senses are gonna fail, and you’re gonna get groped to the high heavens. Thank god the girls are not in on it.
    My condolences…..
    BTW what is the name of your previous site?

  44. AutumnFire said, on September 13, 2006 at 2:28 pm

    I vote with Devil Az. Pull the light-speed smack-down fu slap that the other teacher had when the kid asked her if she was still a virgin. You can even pull the punch so as to protect their delicate little perverted jaws.

  45. Anonymous said, on November 27, 2006 at 8:51 pm

    “Yeah. One might say that.”
    *That* is, so far, the funniest line on this site.

  46. Anonymous said, on November 27, 2006 at 8:51 pm

    “Yeah. One might say that.”
    *That* is, so far, the funniest line on this site.

  47. Sam said, on December 4, 2006 at 3:06 am

    ok, when I got to the kancho time I was already in the foetal position almost unable to breathe from laughing so hard, but after I finished the whole thing…I couldn’t stop laughing for about 10 minutes. I can honestly say I’ve not laughed so hard since I first saw “Ace Ventura – When nature calls” when I was about 10. I can’t imagine what else those little buggers area going to come up with but I look forward to reading it with great anticipation.

  48. Corey said, on February 14, 2007 at 12:40 am

    HAHA I knew that was gonna happen one day.
    You need to build a temple or something in Kyoto for the Kancho Ninja Arts. 😄


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