Gaijin Smash

Open Your Buttcrack

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on March 9, 2005

At the ghetto school, we often open up the textbook skits and allow the students to ad-lib the presentations. They come up with a lot of interesting stuff (Michael Jackson juice, anyone?), but there was one sannensei class in particular that always stood out. Showtime at the Ghetto, if you will.
***
This particular skit was shopping. The students got to pick exactly what they were shopping for. Since we did this in the winter, most students picked things like gloves, hates, scarves, things like that. These two girls however had another idea.
Girl 1: Welcome, how may I help you?
Girl 2: I’m looking for some sexy panties.
Me: [WHAT?!]
Girl 1: What color are you looking for?
Girl 2: Something red.
Girl 1: Ok, how about these?
Girl 2: Do you have anything a little smaller?
Me: [Smaller?! Good Lord this aint right.]
I was completely unprepared for what happened next though. Girl 1 reached into her uniform blazer and pulled out a pair of panties she’d made out of her notebook paper, complete with red colored hearts.
I know Japanese ingenuity is renowned all over the world, but I certainly didn’t expect it to extend to creating a pair of panties out of notebook paper.


This was a doctor skit, and out of a class of true performers, this version was played by two superstar boys. These kids are more entertaining than Japanese TV ever will be.
The skit started out with Boy 1 sitting at the front, wearing a white lab coat (borrowed from the math teacher, and no, I don’t know why the math teachers wear lab coats) and glasses. Boy 2 walked down the desk rows, giving off a fake smile and whistling the theme to “Fuyu no Sonata/Winter Sonata.” Suddenly, a third boy ran up and stabbed him (only hardcore Asian entertainment fans will understand that reference). Boy 2, in great pain, managed to, literally, crawl to the doctor.
Boy 1: Oh, Hi Yon-sama. What’s wrong?
Boy 2: I have a pain here. (clutching his stomach)
Boy 1: When did it start?
Boy 2: (Taking a pained moment to think about it) Oh, about five minutes ago.
Boy 1: Ok. Open your mouth.
Boy 2: (very slowly and dramatically) …Aa…aa…aa…aaahhh.
Boy 1: Ok. I think you’ve been stabbed. (How he figured this out from looking at his mouth, I’ll never know.) Here, I’ll give you some medicine.
Note that here, Boy 2 was supposed to say “Thank you,” and leave. However, they decided to ad-lib the final part.
Boy 2: But… this medicine won’t work! It can’t fix stab!
Boy 1: Oh, yes, I see. Then I’m sorry. You will die.
(A very slow, very dramatic crying scene. Boy 2 then got up and started to leave.)
Boy 1: Wait!
Boy 2: (Turning around, with a hopeful look in his eyes, and clasping his hands together.) Yes?
Boy 1: That’ll be 30,000 yen.
I guess HMO’s suck no matter what country you’re in.
***
Doctor skit again. I’d been helping these particular boys with vocabulary, so I had a slight idea what was coming, but I was in no way prepared for it.
Boy 1: Oh, hi. What’s wrong?
Boy 2: (clutching his stomach) I have a pain here. I can’t go toilet.
Boy 1: When did it start?
Boy 2: Two months ago.
Boy 1: OK. Open your buttcrack.
Now, “open your buttcrack” is already strange enough. That alone might have amused me for the rest of the day. What killed me though, was when Boy 2 stood up, hunched forward a bit, and with a facial expression that looked like he was sucking on a lemon while someone was telling him the family dog had been killed horribly, twice, he made this unforgettable “Huuuaaaaoooouuuugggghhhhh…..” noise. What the hell is that?! The open your buttcrack noise? For you video gamers out there, imagine Guile’s defeat scream from Street Fighter II, except prolonged and… uh… more constipated. That, coupled with the face he made… it still cracks me up just thinking about it.
I mean really, there’s nothing more I can say about “Open your buttcrack” and “huuuuaaaaoooouuuugggghhhh” that could possibly make it any funnier.

Advertisements

45 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. Joey said, on July 21, 2006 at 4:57 pm

    You really need to start posting some videos of these crazy kids. I would love to see that. It would be so funny.

  2. Anonymous said, on July 21, 2006 at 8:13 pm

    OMGLOLWTFROFLSKHFABWRFGVZ!!!!!!!11
    that is hilarious!!!

  3. Anonymous said, on July 21, 2006 at 8:13 pm

    OMGLOLWTFROFLSKHFABWRFGVZ!!!!!!!11
    that is hilarious!!!

  4. Big Gustofo said, on July 22, 2006 at 1:31 am

    Still funny, man.

  5. skizz said, on July 22, 2006 at 3:43 am

    It’s Friday..and this one isn’t new! Noooooooooooo..

  6. Rich said, on July 22, 2006 at 2:19 pm

    Do you manage to keep a straight face whilst in class or just find yourself cracking up. I loved the first doctor skit ending, beautiful work kids.

  7. Spids said, on July 22, 2006 at 8:55 pm

    I remember reading this ages ago on the old site, and i actually cried with laughter as i imagined the buttcrack one. This time round, i laughed so hard that i had a coughing fit halfway through. Just like in all the awful parody movies. But yeah, REALLY really love your writing and the stories…

  8. cutepiku said, on July 23, 2006 at 12:51 am

    My favorite will always be the first doctor skit when that kid got stabbed. How I have read, and re-read this particular editorial in the past..

  9. Anonymous said, on July 23, 2006 at 5:14 am

    Doctor Skit #1 is pure gold. I’d pay money to see that.

  10. Anonymous said, on July 23, 2006 at 5:14 am

    Doctor Skit #1 is pure gold. I’d pay money to see that.

  11. Mr Fujisawa said, on July 23, 2006 at 7:26 am

    Man, you should videotape some of these.

  12. Anonymous said, on July 23, 2006 at 1:39 pm

    sonic boom

  13. Anonymous said, on July 23, 2006 at 1:39 pm

    sonic boom

  14. Kin said, on July 23, 2006 at 6:12 pm

    Hahahahaha!! Thats so funny! The two girls were suprisingly open about their skit…and whar grade are they in?? Jeez…But the two doctor skits were quite funny especially the second one.lol…

  15. Han said, on July 23, 2006 at 11:37 pm

    kah………kah……….kah………..
    open your buttcrack!!!…..kah…….kah…..kah…………

  16. Anonymous said, on July 24, 2006 at 1:25 am

    My God, I could NOT stop laughing at this… I think it’s your best yet! XD Keep up the good work, man. (“Open your buttcrack”… that’s absolutely priceless)

  17. Anonymous said, on July 24, 2006 at 1:25 am

    My God, I could NOT stop laughing at this… I think it’s your best yet! XD Keep up the good work, man. (“Open your buttcrack”… that’s absolutely priceless)

  18. Marisa said, on July 26, 2006 at 2:17 am

    I adore your blog. i can only hope mine will be half as entertaining.

  19. Jeff said, on July 26, 2006 at 3:40 am

    I laughed until I cried on that one. I guess the doctor had to look where it hurt!

  20. Peterus said, on July 26, 2006 at 10:01 am

    Az – is there nothing interesting going on right now?
    I’ve been reading ur editorials for more than a year before u moved. Just after watching Great Teacher Onizuka 43rd episode ( 🙂 ) I rushed to Gaijin Smash (which is still in my fav list) just to see there’s nothing new here.

  21. Anonymous said, on July 26, 2006 at 2:03 pm

    hahaha

  22. Anonymous said, on July 26, 2006 at 2:03 pm

    hahaha

  23. Warui Tanuki said, on July 26, 2006 at 2:58 pm

    The first time I read this, as soon as I read the sound the kid made, (before you mentioned Guile) all I could think of was Guile flying through the air and bouncing a few times. I guess the noise Guile made was particularly memorable.

  24. ^_^ said, on July 26, 2006 at 8:28 pm

    Wow. That one never fails. I’ve been reading these for a long time, but these skits… I was laughing the whole way through.

  25. Anonymous said, on July 26, 2006 at 8:56 pm

    Classic school moment, stuff memories are made of!

  26. Anonymous said, on July 26, 2006 at 8:56 pm

    Classic school moment, stuff memories are made of!

  27. Johnathin Stromboli said, on July 27, 2006 at 1:25 am

    I hope you didn’t get too excited when he started making the constipated noises.

  28. Sailor Mewtwo said, on July 27, 2006 at 9:52 am

    I am so glad you got this one up. This has to be my favourite out of all the editorials. Ther aren’t many things that make me laugh out loud, but this’ll do it! And no, there’s nothing you could say that’ll make it funnier XD

  29. Teremir said, on July 27, 2006 at 1:11 pm

    Heh, that’s some of the funniest imagery(sp?) that I can think of… wow. Good stuff.

  30. Nicole said, on July 27, 2006 at 10:50 pm

    I think your kids are addicted to crack, Az.

  31. Ki said, on July 30, 2006 at 7:07 pm

    Hahaha! I feel my French and German classes are too boring now. But that 2nd one was just pure genius! Really, I think that really is class stuff that should be recorded. I think I’ll try some of these out on my French teacher…..

  32. Jose said, on August 2, 2006 at 7:12 pm

    Great crazy cool smart kids!

  33. Marisa(another one what are the chances!) said, on August 6, 2006 at 7:45 pm

    I love your blog, this is the first time I have read it in a good few months, and I laughed outloud till my sides ached at “it can’t fix stab” and “open your buttcrack” I wonder, was buttcrack the vocab you helped them with?

  34. Romanticide said, on August 7, 2006 at 12:47 am

    *falls from her chair from laughing too much*
    God I have read this one dozens of times and still kills me XD
    “I guess HMO’s suck no matter what country you’re in.”
    Not in germany though but if you ever get sick in Mexico and go to a public hospital… you will probably die before you get at least a doctor to see you… unless you know people in there.
    I really thank god my dad is a doctor…

  35. ley said, on August 16, 2006 at 9:13 am

    as I read through these I thought I could do so without commenting… but I was laughing so hard at “Huuuaaaaoooouuuugggghhhhh…..” I had to share it with every person within the range of my vision inside this office, which led to alot of laughter, and people trying to act that sound out while everyone else just laughing… what a thing to make your day

  36. Amani said, on September 21, 2006 at 3:45 pm

    I cried with laughter all the way throughout this editorial. I had to take two breaks in the 1st doctor skit, and one in the second…
    I would buy these stories if I could.

  37. Endter said, on September 22, 2006 at 2:41 am

    Is that asian entertainment reference by any chance from battle royale?

  38. Boris said, on September 23, 2006 at 11:28 pm

    uhauaauhauhuahauauha
    uahuahuahauhauhauhiauehauieahiaehu
    uaehiaeuhaeiuheauihaeuiaeheie
    man, it IS entertainment!

  39. ChoQ said, on October 31, 2006 at 4:24 am

    “Open ur butcrack”? You’re killing me, man
    People in this quite office is staring at me, as I tried to keep the laughter to myself.
    From time-to-time, I let out wierd sound (a cross between a cough and a big ‘AHAHAHHA’).
    With a workload like mine, they are going to think I am havin a nervous breakdown. And that’s just not a good rep.
    Eitherway, keep em coming.

  40. Anonymous said, on February 4, 2007 at 3:26 am

    I found your site on reddit a few weeks ago and have been reading since, but haven’t commented. I haven’t laughed this hard in ages. The Guile reference had me laughing like a maniac; I still have tears running down my face.

  41. Anonymous said, on February 4, 2007 at 3:26 am

    I found your site on reddit a few weeks ago and have been reading since, but haven’t commented. I haven’t laughed this hard in ages. The Guile reference had me laughing like a maniac; I still have tears running down my face.

  42. A-Alas said, on February 23, 2007 at 2:18 pm

    I bet someone has said this already, and I bet you most probably won’t read this comment, but I highly suggest the “sound to open your buttcrack” comes from the infamous goatse-man. I do not have the information to provide you with the original picture/video, whatnot, but if you go to Google Picture search and search for gotase, you’re bound to find some. And for the happiness to go around, do send the link to a friend of yours, who in the slightest has any chance of knowing what’s behind the insignificant URL.

  43. Dave said, on April 28, 2007 at 2:01 am

    “Imagine Guile’s defeat scream from Street Fighter II, except prolonged and… uh… more constipated.”
    Dude, that reference was genious! Now I’ll never be able to play the game again though.

  44. Anonymous said, on July 20, 2008 at 11:45 pm

    I can’t breath I’m too busy laughing.

  45. Anonymous said, on July 20, 2008 at 11:45 pm

    I can’t breath I’m too busy laughing.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: