Open Your Buttcrack
At the ghetto school, we often open up the textbook skits and allow the students to ad-lib the presentations. They come up with a lot of interesting stuff (Michael Jackson juice, anyone?), but there was one sannensei class in particular that always stood out. Showtime at the Ghetto, if you will.
This particular skit was shopping. The students got to pick exactly what they were shopping for. Since we did this in the winter, most students picked things like gloves, hates, scarves, things like that. These two girls however had another idea.
Girl 1: Welcome, how may I help you?
Girl 2: I’m looking for some sexy panties.
Girl 1: What color are you looking for?
Girl 2: Something red.
Girl 1: Ok, how about these?
Girl 2: Do you have anything a little smaller?
Me: [Smaller?! Good Lord this aint right.]
I was completely unprepared for what happened next though. Girl 1 reached into her uniform blazer and pulled out a pair of panties she’d made out of her notebook paper, complete with red colored hearts.
I know Japanese ingenuity is renowned all over the world, but I certainly didn’t expect it to extend to creating a pair of panties out of notebook paper.
This was a doctor skit, and out of a class of true performers, this version was played by two superstar boys. These kids are more entertaining than Japanese TV ever will be.
The skit started out with Boy 1 sitting at the front, wearing a white lab coat (borrowed from the math teacher, and no, I don’t know why the math teachers wear lab coats) and glasses. Boy 2 walked down the desk rows, giving off a fake smile and whistling the theme to “Fuyu no Sonata/Winter Sonata.” Suddenly, a third boy ran up and stabbed him (only hardcore Asian entertainment fans will understand that reference). Boy 2, in great pain, managed to, literally, crawl to the doctor.
Boy 1: Oh, Hi Yon-sama. What’s wrong?
Boy 2: I have a pain here. (clutching his stomach)
Boy 1: When did it start?
Boy 2: (Taking a pained moment to think about it) Oh, about five minutes ago.
Boy 1: Ok. Open your mouth.
Boy 2: (very slowly and dramatically) …Aa…aa…aa…aaahhh.
Boy 1: Ok. I think you’ve been stabbed. (How he figured this out from looking at his mouth, I’ll never know.) Here, I’ll give you some medicine.
Note that here, Boy 2 was supposed to say “Thank you,” and leave. However, they decided to ad-lib the final part.
Boy 2: But… this medicine won’t work! It can’t fix stab!
Boy 1: Oh, yes, I see. Then I’m sorry. You will die.
(A very slow, very dramatic crying scene. Boy 2 then got up and started to leave.)
Boy 1: Wait!
Boy 2: (Turning around, with a hopeful look in his eyes, and clasping his hands together.) Yes?
Boy 1: That’ll be 30,000 yen.
I guess HMO’s suck no matter what country you’re in.
Doctor skit again. I’d been helping these particular boys with vocabulary, so I had a slight idea what was coming, but I was in no way prepared for it.
Boy 1: Oh, hi. What’s wrong?
Boy 2: (clutching his stomach) I have a pain here. I can’t go toilet.
Boy 1: When did it start?
Boy 2: Two months ago.
Boy 1: OK. Open your buttcrack.
Now, “open your buttcrack” is already strange enough. That alone might have amused me for the rest of the day. What killed me though, was when Boy 2 stood up, hunched forward a bit, and with a facial expression that looked like he was sucking on a lemon while someone was telling him the family dog had been killed horribly, twice, he made this unforgettable “Huuuaaaaoooouuuugggghhhhh…..” noise. What the hell is that?! The open your buttcrack noise? For you video gamers out there, imagine Guile’s defeat scream from Street Fighter II, except prolonged and… uh… more constipated. That, coupled with the face he made… it still cracks me up just thinking about it.
I mean really, there’s nothing more I can say about “Open your buttcrack” and “huuuuaaaaoooouuuugggghhhh” that could possibly make it any funnier.