Gaijin Smash

It’s So… Quiet?!

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on March 6, 2005

I was scheduled to go into the school where I sit next to Noisy Fucker. I was mentally preparing myself for it like I always do, only to discover that he’d taken a vacation day that day.
Yes!!! Sweet, blessed silence!
Apparently though, I’m not the only one who thinks this. All day long, all the other teachers kept saying, “It’s so quiet today.” After the 4,000th “It’s so quiet” remark, one teacher finally decided to say what everyone else was thinking. He sat back, “Yeah, and you know exactly why. He’s not here.”


“Oh, is that so?” another teacher feigned ignorance.
“You know it!” He pointed to the empty seat, and kept pointing to it for awhile. “All day long, talking talking talking. And when he’s not talking, he’s on the PA system.”
“Who is he talking to all day long?” In Japan they like to keep the pretenses up for as long as they can.
“He doesn’t need a partner. He’ll talk to the air around him.”
This is true, if no one else is having a conversation he can jump into, he’ll literally just start chatting up the atmosphere.
It took everything I had to keep from cracking up in my seat. Not only because it was funny to see the other teachers had the exact same thoughts I did, but mostly because the guy who was talking the most shit was Noisy Fucker #2, the guy who sits across from him. Granted, Noisy Fucker #2 has nothing on the champ, but that doesn’t make him any less of a noisy fucker. This guy stands up in the morning meeting, every morning, and goes, “Well, I’ve got nothing in particular… but I’m gonna talk for the next 10 minutes anyway.”
The Champ returned the next day and wasted no time making up for lost speech. I had some spare time, so I tried to see how long he could go without making any sound at all. He never made it past 3 minutes. I think I was on my 20th time reset when I just threw up my hands and put my fingers in my ear or something.
He even makes noise when he enters the room! He opens the door and lets out some kind of “Aaaahhh!” or “Whoooooooo!” or “Haaaaaaaa” sound. Who the hell does that?! Have you ever seen anyone vocalize just from entering a room? He’s not even talking, he’s just making sounds for the hell of it. That’s not fair! Can’t we bring him up on “Disturbing the peace” charges or something like that? This almost certainly has to count.
I keep hoping one day his vocal chords will give out, but then I realized that with all the training they get on an hourly basis, his throat muscles are probably stronger than my triceps.

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27 Responses

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  1. Rena said, on July 19, 2006 at 9:12 pm

    Wow, Az. I was scared for a second – I haven’t been to OP9 in a few weeks, and I freaked when I didn’t see anything except a little note. But yay – you have a really great site now ^^
    Unfortunately, it looks like none of the schools I’m applying to this fall have a JET program. 😦 I guess I’ll just keep living vicariously through the editorials.

  2. Suiji said, on July 19, 2006 at 9:47 pm

    Haha, I love your work Az. After reading all of the hilarity from this, I’m actually thinking of doing the JET program. (even if it does sound psychotic of me) Just wanted to say good work, keep them coming.
    Suiji

  3. Joey said, on July 20, 2006 at 12:31 am

    I figured Japanese class rooms would be quiet.
    Guess I’m wrong.

  4. Ren said, on July 20, 2006 at 2:24 am

    And how strong *are* your tricepts?

  5. Marcus said, on July 20, 2006 at 2:54 am

    Haha, keep up the good work! Your last few entries have been hilarious.

  6. Max said, on July 20, 2006 at 3:08 am

    Isn’t that like a personality disorder like being histrionic? if he speaks so much, is it really just for attention or is it a japanese thing? some kind of cultural personality disorder that is unique, one of a kind and will never again be documented. unfortunately for you, you’re the man who’s got to listen to him speak… cheers!

  7. WArg said, on July 20, 2006 at 8:09 am

    haha… i remember this, read it back when.. well a while ago.. i think it used to be Waaaauh! though.. :p
    Good job with the rise up Az.. Looking forward to more stuff .. and new ones too ..

  8. Anonymous said, on July 20, 2006 at 1:22 pm

    …you should just kill the fucker…or pay a psycho to rip his throat out…

  9. Anonymous said, on July 20, 2006 at 1:22 pm

    …you should just kill the fucker…or pay a psycho to rip his throat out…

  10. Adrian said, on July 20, 2006 at 2:12 pm

    I have an idea. Offer him a drink one day that is laced with something that will give him a sore throat. Once he has a sore throat, it will be painful to talk!

  11. death-by-spoon said, on July 20, 2006 at 6:07 pm

    Your Noisy Fucker material is always the funniest, IMO. Especially the part about making noises upon entering and exiting a room. It’s just so wacky and strange, you would think you would be making this up, but the hillarious part of it all, is that it’s true.

  12. alielle said, on July 20, 2006 at 10:59 pm

    Are you the guy who was being attacked by kancho-ing kids who were trying to grab your dick? If so, then I love your new site! 🙂 I’m a big fan of yours. I love your stories of fun times as an english teacher in Japan.

  13. Felipe said, on July 21, 2006 at 12:48 am

    hahaha thats classic
    I have to try that: making a random noise everytime I enter a room.
    Great stuff you have here btw 🙂

  14. Psike81 said, on July 21, 2006 at 5:12 am

    “his throat muscles are probably stronger than my triceps.”
    I suggest u make a directory of one-liners for selling to us fans … this is great !!

  15. Nidoking said, on July 21, 2006 at 9:19 am

    I’ve always thought Noisy Fucker would be great to play Kramer in the Japanese version of “Seinfeld”. Just like Michael Richards, he wouldn’t need to develop a character or even have a script. Just put him in the apartment with Jerry and point to where the microphones are.

  16. Anonymous said, on July 22, 2006 at 1:46 am

    Thats so funny, people like that crack me up

  17. Anonymous said, on July 22, 2006 at 1:46 am

    Thats so funny, people like that crack me up

  18. JP said, on July 22, 2006 at 12:47 pm

    “Haaaaaaa?” As always, a great read and your writing is next to flawless. Keep the stories coming.

  19. Kaitlin said, on July 23, 2006 at 4:28 pm

    Haha this made me laugh soooooo hard! Especially the “He even makes noise when he enters the room! He opens the door and lets out some kind of “Aaaahhh!” or “Whoooooooo!” or “Haaaaaaaa” sound. Who the hell does that?! Have you ever seen anyone vocalize just from entering a room? He’s not even talking, he’s just making sounds for the hell of it. That’s not fair! ” I laugh every time I read it. Awesome articles!

  20. Kosetsu said, on July 24, 2006 at 1:31 am

    That’s actually a really scary thought – Noise Fucker #1 actually training his throat muscles and voice box through constant, near 24-7 use. I wonder if he could swallow the bigger sushi pieces whole. I also wonder if the Japanese wouldn’t hire him out as an opera singer instead of a teacher.

  21. HahaSkaKid said, on July 25, 2006 at 5:55 am

    hehe, good ol’ noisy fucker =] I gotta admit I feel sorry for you and everyone else who ahs to listen to him XD

  22. Anonymous said, on July 26, 2006 at 12:54 am

    I think I can relate. I also find it annoying that they always fill up the silence by constantly talking about how quiet it is after a while.

  23. Anonymous said, on July 26, 2006 at 12:54 am

    I think I can relate. I also find it annoying that they always fill up the silence by constantly talking about how quiet it is after a while.

  24. Romanticide said, on August 6, 2006 at 10:24 pm

    “his throat muscles are probably stronger than my triceps”
    you need to make a t-shirt for this. but change his for my, and my by your… yes I am kind of a nosy fucker… at least I don’t talk to the air…
    I wonder if the frustated dream of this guy was being a voice actor… that could explain many things…

  25. Klasanov said, on August 21, 2006 at 6:05 pm

    “but then I realized that with all the training they get on an hourly basis, his throat muscles are probably stronger than my triceps.”
    Hahaha.
    The mental imagery is funny. I can just imagine him with a big throat now.

  26. Boris said, on September 22, 2006 at 12:55 am

    man, you have to write a book and go to some talk show to talk about it XD

  27. gaspump said, on January 21, 2007 at 8:43 am

    “Have you ever seen anyone vocalize just from entering a room?”
    No, but I’m sure as hell going to start doing this immediately.


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