Gaijin Smash

You WILL Love Me

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on March 2, 2005

The sannensei are going to graduate this March, about a week from now, in fact. This is actually kind of depressing, as the sannensei at all three of my schools are really great, and I can honestly say I’m going to miss them.
I love these guys, and apparently the feeling is mutual.
Last week I had the final sannensei class at one of my schools. At the end of class, they gave me an envelope, containing goodbye letters they’d written to me. In English! [*sniff*] While working this job, I’ve found that if you give a Japanese student a piece of paper, they’re a lot more willing to write down their feelings and impressions than they are to say them out loud. I was not aware, however, of how… uh… spirited they can be.


I had two boys ask me to marry them. There’s something in the back of my head saying, “Dude, that’s weird,” but I’ve been in Japan long enough that the voice has become a muted whisper. One boy’s final message to me was, “Every one enjoy when you say (Raw Shaved Pussy) in Japan.” Of course, “Raw Shaved Pussy” was in Japanese, I bet you a bucket of donuts he didn’t think I knew what it meant. (Don’t ask how I know that, I just do. And I’m not telling you the Japanese version, either.) It’s a good thing he’s graduating, because guess what his nickname would have been from then on.
I also had a lot of love confessions from the girls. A lot. I tried to attribute it to translation errors, but I think the girl is fairly serious if she took the time to figure out how to say, “I love you, I want you, I need you,” in English. As Keanu Reeves so eloquently put it in the Matrix and, well, every other movie he’s been in, “Whoa.” I got quite a few, “I love you forevers”, and one girl wrote, “I’m very sad to think of good by…But…I LOVE YOU FOREVER. AND. You WILL love me.” Ho-oly shit. That is some Kathy Bates Misery shit right there. I had no idea this was going on.
One girl thanked me for being her boyfriend at this school. I found that interesting for two reasons.
1. I was her boyfriend? That’s something I would have liked to know. I guess my Gaijin Telepathy is getting a little rusty.
2. I was her boyfriend… at that school?! How many other boyfriends does she– No, wait. I think I’m better off not knowing.
If only they were 10 years older. And, you know, not my students.
There’s one girl who’s got a hard crush on me I think. She is one of my favorite students, not necessarily because her English is good, but because she’s always willing to try, which goes a long way in my book. I started to suspect she may have a little thing for me when I noticed her touching me. A lot. In the winter time, she’d come up to me and say, “It’s cold!” Then take both of my hands in hers under the guise of warming her hands. Then she upped it a bit to taking me by the arm (literally hugging my arm) and walking around with me. Then she moved onto hugging me. Whenever she saw me. And whenever she left. So if I just passed by her in the hallways, that was an automatic two hugs right there. Some days, the total ran up to ten hugs.
I always thought it was kind of cute and innocent, so I never really gave it much thought. Until the last class, that is. I was to take a picture with the class. There was a chair in the center for me to sit on, and the students would stand around me. This girl of course took me by the arm and led me to the chair. She then made sure to secure the position directly behind me, and wrapped her arms around me from behind. Oooooo-kay. Well, that’s not too bad, right? Yeah, no cause for concern. But what in the world is she pressing up against my head now? I should’ve been happy in my ignorance, but curiosity got the best of me, so I did something monumentally stupid.
I know it was monumentally stupid now, but hindsight is always 20/20. It shouldn’t have been too hard to just figure out what she was doing, but I never claimed to be the sharpest tool in the toolbox. So I turned my head to look…
…and suddenly found my face buried in 15-year old, underdeveloped Japanese boobies.
I turned my head back as quickly as possible, but the damage has been done. The damage to me I mean, the girl didn’t seem too bothered. Actually, as I turned back around she tightened her grip on me a bit. If there is any possible way, any loophole in physics or genetics, even a percentage of a percentage– if there is any way for me to have gone pale, I guarantee you I went a brilliant shade of ivory white. I would’ve made Casper the Ghost look like Eddie Murphy.
I am now officially going to hell. I mean, I thought I was before, but this just guarantees it. Accidental or not, I can’t imagine burying your face in a 15-year old Japanese girl’s sweater will go over too well with the boys upstairs. I can already see it, I’d be at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter would be checking my record, “Let’s see here… 20 years of charity work, you saved 4 burning orphanages, helped 1,429 old ladies cross the street… waitaminute, what’s this? You played snuzzlebunnies with a 15-year old Japanese girl!? You sick puppy, down you go!” Actually, I don’t even think I’d get that far, I imagine the second I die a hole in the ground will just open up and swallow me whole, and shoot me directly to the Fifth Circle.
Again, I’m virtually handcuffed here. With all the students gathered around me, and the teacher in front ready to take the picture, I couldn’t very well stop the proceedings and ask, “Hi… can you stop rubbing your boobies against the back of my head? Thanks.” With her arms wrapped around me, too, I couldn’t even lean forward to get some distance. She must have realized this, as she leaned forward to even further press them against my head.
Must’ve made for one interesting picture.

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57 Responses

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  1. Timmay said, on July 17, 2006 at 4:44 pm

    dang… and I thought I was going to hell for peeing in the holy water… You are so screwed my friend… >_<

  2. Izi said, on July 17, 2006 at 4:56 pm

    Ahahah, I remember this, it was so hilarious and the pick 2! xD Ahahahah! Sry Az though its just to funny^^ HAhaahh!

  3. Anonymous said, on July 17, 2006 at 5:43 pm

    dude, you really should’ve asked her to stop pressing her boobies in to the back of your head. it would’ve made an even more interesting picture, with the look on her face.

  4. Anonymous said, on July 17, 2006 at 5:43 pm

    dude, you really should’ve asked her to stop pressing her boobies in to the back of your head. it would’ve made an even more interesting picture, with the look on her face.

  5. Blinky said, on July 17, 2006 at 6:45 pm

    It’s kind of frightening. First Kancho. Then dickdodge. Marriage from boys. Kathy Bates women. Ultimate Cuteness (of course.)
    And now THIS! Be careful when you come back to California. You’d be in Quint awaiting transfer before you even got to hug your parents.
    Move to Texas. They don’t care as much and they have better dead cow then Cali

  6. Felipe said, on July 17, 2006 at 7:02 pm

    hahah, that’s a good one, man! I laughed a lot the first time I read it. Are you taking vacations from posting new stuff? Keep up the good work!

  7. Han said, on July 17, 2006 at 7:51 pm

    I WANT TO GO TO JAPAN RIGHT NOW!!!!!

  8. Dante said, on July 17, 2006 at 8:38 pm

    I would’ve figured getting a face full of underaged boobies would’ve landed you in the second circle (lust) rather than the fifth (wrath & sloth). πŸ˜‰

  9. Chaos said, on July 17, 2006 at 9:01 pm

    “I would’ve made Casper the Ghost look like Eddie Murphy.” Best…Line…Ever…
    I honest to God cannot stop laughing whenever I read that. Can’t wait for some more of the old editorials.

  10. Blinky said, on July 17, 2006 at 10:14 pm

    See, the problem now is you can never come back to the states cause they’ll have you in San Quentin quicker then blinking… in the Protective custody pod… with all the bad folks…
    Is their steak really SO bad?

  11. MasteroftheObvious said, on July 17, 2006 at 10:16 pm

    The above comment is living proof that geekdom always prevails over artistic liberties.

  12. Kelly G. Newman said, on July 17, 2006 at 10:43 pm

    Hey, didn’t you have a link to the picture… oh wait, that was when you was groping the young Japanese girls boob not burying your face in it.

  13. emphbone said, on July 18, 2006 at 1:47 am

    Is it ‘manko’? the “raw shaved pussy”.

  14. Chewy said, on July 18, 2006 at 3:51 am

    I’d LOVE to see that picture lol.

  15. Gennai said, on July 18, 2006 at 4:43 pm

    I would really like to have that picture, just for amusement! ^_^ Too bad it’s been years already since it was taken and it probably no where to be found. Oh well. But if you have it plz post it somewhere.

  16. Jennifer said, on July 18, 2006 at 6:48 pm

    i’ve been reading for a while. this is genius! i’m adding you to my blogroll.

  17. bob smiley said, on July 18, 2006 at 8:54 pm

    Atleast it was a girl that was inlove with you and not a guy.

  18. Paul L Gray said, on July 19, 2006 at 1:03 am

    so can we see the picture???

  19. Zahmen said, on July 19, 2006 at 8:29 am

    D=
    Poor guy.

  20. Brunhilde said, on July 19, 2006 at 8:55 am

    You must post a copy of that picture so we can see the look on your face!

  21. Anonymous said, on July 19, 2006 at 11:25 am

    I hate to say this but as someone who was in Japan for a homestay… All of that is normal. You know what I mean too.

  22. Anonymous said, on July 19, 2006 at 11:25 am

    I hate to say this but as someone who was in Japan for a homestay… All of that is normal. You know what I mean too.

  23. Luke said, on July 20, 2006 at 12:30 am

    As far as the boyfriend thing goes, I’ve noticed that over in Japan, the titles sort of have a less romantic connotation. Not sure how things are in your school, but when I was in High School in Japan, there was plenty of boy/girl segregation. Anyone who was your friend and not the same sex was your boy/girlfriend. Hell, I was asked on more occasion how many girlfriends I had.
    At first I thought they all thought I was just that hot. Now I know better. If it’s any consolation, I figure that as long as you didn’t go for it and start shaking your head and making motorboat noises while buried in between Mt. Fuji and Tsukuba-san, you’re doing alright where eternal damnation is concerned.

  24. Max said, on July 20, 2006 at 3:04 am

    Should have taken a casual stretch and stood up. You probably left this girl with a lasting impression especially if she’s gonna look at the picture and probably sigh like little girls did. Let’s just hope she doesn’t go down to thailand for some black male hookers…

  25. Kate said, on July 21, 2006 at 11:00 am

    I think the “I love you, I want you, I need you” is from a manga or something. I got that a lot from my high school boys when I arrived last summer. And also from one girl who got down on her knees and grabbed my hand to say it.
    Apparently junior high kids are more timid. I rarely go a week without students declaring their love as I walk down the hall. Ah, Japan.

  26. roar said, on July 24, 2006 at 12:42 am

    at least there was clothing between your head and her body, or else hell wouldn’t even wait for you to die, they would just suck u down right now. xp

  27. Anonymous said, on July 24, 2006 at 4:14 pm

    lucky bastard! πŸ˜‰

  28. Anonymous said, on July 24, 2006 at 4:14 pm

    lucky bastard! πŸ˜‰

  29. yarn said, on July 24, 2006 at 11:32 pm

    I thought you’ve posted this entry before?

  30. jim said, on July 25, 2006 at 1:20 am

    I am surprised you had to turn around to figure it out. Your Gajin powers must have been at an ebb.

  31. danky said, on July 25, 2006 at 1:50 am

    this is horrible, now instead of the promised new editorials, they’re even taking ones they already posted a week ago and slapping a new date to it

  32. Ihmhi said, on July 25, 2006 at 2:59 am

    Why was this entry moved up? It was further down the list, like July 10th or something, and now it is July 24th.

  33. forx said, on July 25, 2006 at 4:28 pm

    REQUESTING PIC LOL XD …. no really it would be pretty funny

  34. Susie said, on July 25, 2006 at 8:03 pm

    Since the supply of new articles seems to be drying up, I have an idea for one (or even a sort of serial) as a change of pace. Whenever Japanese television is mentioned everybody (including you) moans about how bad/downright weird it is, so perhaps you could write something about the most/least popular TV shows, funny TV personalities, your most/least favourite show e.t.c. I’d like to find out if it really is all the super-magical animes and quiz shows of parody. Perhaps you could even scan in an annotated TV guide.
    People are also always telling you that you should have your own book contract, but why not your own TV contract? You could write a spoof article about what it would be like if you had your own Japanese TV show.
    Just an idea and keep up the good work! πŸ™‚

  35. Hadriel said, on July 25, 2006 at 8:16 pm

    Nobody’s getting thrown in the slammer over this, but instead of being because he didn’t actually do anything to her, it’s because Japan has their average age of consent set at like 14 for some reason. That’s what Wikipedia says, anyway.
    Actually, probably the only thing that keeps me from doing something like the JET program is that I suck at foreign languages. Four years of honors Spanish in high school and I remember like 3 phrases.

  36. Don said, on July 25, 2006 at 10:23 pm

    I don’t get it – March? Are you just reposting old entries? What’s the point?

  37. Anonymous said, on July 25, 2006 at 11:56 pm

    Date of post: July 24
    Date of comments: July 17
    Post begins “this March, about a week from now” … *boggle*

  38. Anonymous said, on July 25, 2006 at 11:56 pm

    Date of post: July 24
    Date of comments: July 17
    Post begins “this March, about a week from now” … *boggle*

  39. Nick said, on July 26, 2006 at 10:05 am

    snuzzlebunnies… greatness

  40. Anonymous said, on July 27, 2006 at 8:16 am

    hay where the picture from the old site?

  41. Anonymous said, on July 27, 2006 at 8:16 am

    hay where the picture from the old site?

  42. Hadriel said, on July 29, 2006 at 6:12 pm

    Oh dear Lord. I just now realized how that sounded.

  43. Anonymous said, on July 30, 2006 at 1:09 pm

    …Aw, I remember you posting a picture. It was so cute. *laughs*

  44. Anonymous said, on July 30, 2006 at 1:09 pm

    …Aw, I remember you posting a picture. It was so cute. *laughs*

  45. Anonymous said, on July 30, 2006 at 6:47 pm

    Kind of ironic that ju discuss the seven circles of hell and some dude with the nickname Dante shows up with a little comment πŸ™‚

  46. Anonymous said, on July 30, 2006 at 6:47 pm

    Kind of ironic that ju discuss the seven circles of hell and some dude with the nickname Dante shows up with a little comment πŸ™‚

  47. Midcat (Neko-Chan) said, on August 2, 2006 at 4:10 am

    I had lo laugh so hard when I read this!!
    I was under the impression that Japanese saw americans as the perverted ones! But it seems to me that they have a little perversion of their own!
    Even at this young age!! LOL!!
    Is this a common thing among students?
    Do they always fantasize about their teachers?
    Just wondering…

  48. Rune said, on August 7, 2006 at 5:21 am

    well… since japan has no official legal age of consent (and since most other countries recognize 15 as the legal age (unlike you american prudes) i think youre safe πŸ˜›

  49. Anonymous said, on August 22, 2006 at 1:53 am

    well to me i think kids outside america are a bit more mature

  50. Anonymous said, on August 31, 2006 at 6:47 pm

    Stop rubbing your boobs
    against the back of my head
    or I’ll call the cops.
    Haiku’d!

  51. Anonymous said, on August 31, 2006 at 6:47 pm

    Stop rubbing your boobs
    against the back of my head
    or I’ll call the cops.
    Haiku’d!

  52. Anonymous said, on October 9, 2006 at 2:02 am

    I wouldn’t think much of it. Either the crush or the
    accidental snuzzlebunning. Most students have these crushes on their teachers, regardless of where you live. I know as a student I did.
    Funny though.

  53. Anonymous said, on October 9, 2006 at 2:02 am

    I wouldn’t think much of it. Either the crush or the
    accidental snuzzlebunning. Most students have these crushes on their teachers, regardless of where you live. I know as a student I did.
    Funny though.

  54. Cirith said, on October 13, 2006 at 3:15 pm

    “Most students have these crushes on their teachers, regardless of where you live. I know as a student I did.”————
    Really? I’m a german student and I like some of my teachers (and I hate some of them too) but I never had a crush on one of my teachers and I don’t know anyone who has or had a crush on a teacher.
    (I hope I didn’t make too many mistakes, I’m not very good at learning foreign languages)

  55. Fran said, on October 28, 2006 at 9:46 pm

    Oh wow, that’s the best. I guess if I’ll be a teacher as a girl I won’t have THAT stuff happen, but it’s funny to read this stuff!

  56. Jak said, on December 26, 2006 at 10:18 pm

    BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
    I just wanht to know, did this really happen, and how big were they?

  57. Ren said, on January 3, 2007 at 5:27 am

    You might think she took a long time to translate “I love you, I want you, I need you,” but maybe she was a big fand of the Japanese band S.O.A.P. and borrowed from their song title “I love you I need you I fuck you”. In that case, you should be grateful that she changed it some.


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