Gaijin Smash

You’re Not Your Fake Cornrows

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on February 13, 2005

Japan is in the middle of a hip-hop fad right now, which depresses me oh so much. “Why?” you ask, “Isn’t that a good thing?” You might think, but remember that the media coming into Japan is limited. So hip-hop is defined through MTV. Not only that, but now they’re trying really hard to be ghetto. No. Just… no. They’re like wiggers, only ten times worse. My friends and I dubbed them “jiggers” for lack of a better term.
I went to a hip-hop club with a friend a few weeks ago, and pretty much everyone there was dressed the exact same way. The guys wore NY Yankees caps, to the side, a sweater, a coat, some “bling-bling” for good measure, and big pants. The girls looked like tit-less, ass-less versions of Beyonce from one of her videos. It’s like they went to K-Mart, bought “Hip-Hop in a Can” for $9.99, popped it open, and “Voila! I’m ghetto now!” No you’re not! Another thing about this club was that no one really danced. They all swayed to the music. In neatly arraigned lines. While holding cigarettes. That’s Japan for you.
At one point the DJ screamed out, “Everybody say HO!” and everyone just stood there in confusion. As a music lover, but first and foremost as an English teacher, I had to fight the urge to rush up there, take the mic and yell, “It’s a command form! You’re supposed to do it!”

My bastard ninensei boys at the ghetto school are caught up in the hip-hop craze. They wear big sweaters over their uniforms, and wear their pants around their thighs to simulate bagginess. They think they’re the shit, but when I look at them I just see kids who don’t know how to wear pants. There’s one ichinensei boy who is a brat and idolizes these kids. He sits in class and stares at me or the teacher. If we try to give him work he swats it off his desk and laughs about how “cool” he is. One day I noticed something peculiar: his hair. Apparently, he wanted cornrows. Of course, he doesn’t have the hair for cornrows, so he just shaved lines in his head to represent cornrows. I laughed quite a bit at his expense. In case you’re thinking that’s a harsh, this kid is an absolute bastard so don’t lose too much sleep over him.
This past week, the worst ninesei boy came up to me and wanted to talk. Ordinarily, I would have been happy to talk to him, but this was in the middle of class. I told him to be quiet and go back to his seat, but he didn’t care. “Do you know Chingy? Chingy?” he asked anyway. He’s some rapper or something; my ex (that bitch) downloaded a song of his on my computer. “Yeah yeah, I know him, be quiet already,” I said. The boy was highly pleased with this. “Of course you know Chingy, you’re black!” Boy howdy, gimme some Chingy and some fried chicken, and I’ll be one happy negro! [*thumbs up*]
From that point forward, any time any one of the bad ninensei boys saw me they’d exclaim, “You know Chingy? Chingy! You know his song?” Sigh. Friday was a holiday, which was good. If I’d gone to school and heard “Chingy!” one more time, I think I seriously would’ve snapped and gone Tyler Durden on them. “You’re not black. Listening to hip-hop will not make you black. Wearing bling-bling will not make you black. Wearing your pants around your ankles will not make you black. You’re not your fucking MTV. You’re a 14 year old Japanese schoolboy, and nobody thinks this is cool.”
I don’t even like Chingy.


27 Responses

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  1. Donovan Burns said, on July 15, 2006 at 3:33 am

    When japan goes thourgh a heavy metal phase can you please oh please post some photographs?
    And don’t tell me you don’t have a camera. Japan is home of the cheap-cameras-that-are-for-

  2. GrahamHsu said, on July 15, 2006 at 2:28 pm

    Donovan they are already going through a rock phase kinda, Dead Kennedy’s toured them a long time ago, the festivals there are expensive, anywho great article again, reminds of my time in Japan when I was clubbing, everyone was just standing there it was weird. Eventually I just danced with the girls that danced, probably like 2 or 3 every bar. I did notice a couple of the ghetto japanese can do an ok C Step but i didn’t see any breakers or poppers. You shoulda wrote about the old dudes dancing in clubs those guys are hilarious.

  3. Joey said, on July 15, 2006 at 4:39 pm

    I thought most of Japan was into Dream Theater?
    Atleast, thats what it looks like when I watch my Dream Theater – Live At Budokan DVD.

  4. Jill said, on July 15, 2006 at 5:07 pm

    Well, there were a lot of KISS related commercials in recent terms.

  5. Jeff said, on July 15, 2006 at 6:40 pm

    “Of course you know Chingy, you’re black!” OMG, that made me burst out laughing. Don’t worry, the rap gangsta fad will pass and be overwritten with whatever MTV Japan spoon feeds them next. Which is probably Emo music. Suddenly rap isn’t looking that bad…

  6. ha said, on July 16, 2006 at 4:42 am

    i bet the song was one call away

  7. BlackBloc said, on July 16, 2006 at 10:26 am

    Not exactly what you’re asking for. But I give you… Japanese oi!

  8. Al said, on July 16, 2006 at 11:01 pm

    Don’t forget about Loudness, the Japanese heavy metal band from the 80’s…

  9. Michie said, on July 17, 2006 at 10:36 pm

    What size razor did the boy use to shave lines in his head? One of the small ones you can use for details, or one of the larger ones which shouldn’t be used for making fake cornrows? I’d like to hear.

  10. Rae said, on July 18, 2006 at 1:35 am

    I’m teaching in Taiwan…there’s a hiphop scene here, too. It’s not too bad though, they have some cool dancers (not like hiphop dancers back in the States but they have a cool break dance style) and they can get some decent clothes. My boyfriend’s African and he always gets a nod from them in their big fake chains and their backwards caps and that just amuses the hell out of me cause most of the locals pay no mind to foreigners but he’s black and wears a do rag so they give him some attention. There are two of them hired to dj at a local bar where the foreigners hang out and they honestly, I swear to God, play Elvis songs at 3am and have been playing the same mix of J-Lo, Beyonce, and the milkshake song the whole two years I have been here, no matter how many cds we try to give them.

  11. Anonymous said, on July 18, 2006 at 12:21 pm

    Wait till the most annoying music on earth becomes popular there – reggaeton!

  12. Anonymous said, on July 18, 2006 at 12:21 pm

    Wait till the most annoying music on earth becomes popular there – reggaeton!

  13. Vidgmchtr said, on July 18, 2006 at 6:13 pm

    I wonder which is worse. Wapanese, or Jiggers….Well, the Wapanese don’t seem to be as stupid….

  14. Anonymous said, on July 19, 2006 at 1:31 am

    You have a nice blog right hurr. πŸ™‚

  15. Anonymous said, on July 19, 2006 at 1:31 am

    You have a nice blog right hurr. πŸ™‚

  16. Donovan Burns said, on July 22, 2006 at 6:41 am

    Oh god Japanese emo? Well they already have black hair and awkward silence so I guess they’re two steps there.

  17. Cookiie said, on July 22, 2006 at 9:17 am

    When I’m working (my dad’s snackbar), I always see those kind of bastards. They’re all white and have less muscles than I do. Yet I’ve seen one of those bastards coming in halfnaked, trying to look cool with his shirt stuck onto his pants. MTV/TMF (Dutch music channel) are even encouraging them to make Hip-hop music and “get famous” all over the world. So yet I hear a lot of them trying to rap. Riight.

  18. roar said, on July 24, 2006 at 1:13 am

    T.T i can’t even stand kids like that in america, if i went to japan and found that they acted exactly the same i’d probably grab a sword and go on a mtv man hunt. —[=============>

  19. Anonymous said, on July 24, 2006 at 4:32 pm

    wait a minute, U’r black !
    Must be a brit. Sweet!

  20. Anonymous said, on July 24, 2006 at 4:32 pm

    wait a minute, U’r black !
    Must be a brit. Sweet!

  21. Kfisher said, on July 28, 2006 at 9:50 am

    Sounds sad. It was even sadder when I went to youtube and saw videos of Japan’s local rap artists. Most (not all) were ripoffs of American gangsta rappers.
    I wonder if there are real hip-hop heads in Japan, you know, the ones who are genuinely in to hip-hop and not just following fads.

  22. Romanticide said, on August 6, 2006 at 9:03 pm

    God I just visualised it… it’s even worse than mexican boys trying to be getto!!! >.<
    And to Rae… god no… everything except that I can’t imagine japanese people dancing at the beat of… la pompa… reggaeton singers should be burned
    in a stake in the biggest city so everybody could see.
    Pd. la pompa means… the buttcheek… yes… the buttcheek… beavis and butthead would be so proud…

  23. Mark said, on August 11, 2006 at 11:16 pm

    Yea man, that’s real sad, and its not just in Asia, but here in the U.S. as well. Many cats young and old who try to act hard and cuss like they are gangsters, listen to gangsta rap, but could care less about the concept and definition of hip-hop no less. Pop culture clones…

  24. Mel said, on August 16, 2006 at 11:34 pm

    Man, I can’t even stand the hip-hop fad here in the States. I hate the fact that some people insist on linking hip-hop to being black.

  25. Junaide said, on August 22, 2006 at 6:14 pm

    If a reggaeton fad hits Japan I’d pay the damn air ticket to go and see it for myself!!! XD That’d be awesomesauce!!! oh and btw… “la pompa” doesn’t mean “the buttcheek”… maybe you mean “las pompis” which means “the booty”…

  26. Boris said, on September 21, 2006 at 12:21 am

    man, i’m from Brazil, and thanks that here the fads come and go really quickly, and this way, people here are really “different”, if you know what I mean…

  27. bryanhickerson said, on March 10, 2007 at 7:52 pm

    everyone should see this video, very funny.

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