Gaijin Smash

The Octopus

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on February 2, 2005

Disclaimer – the following entry is rated NC-17. Not that the others aren’t racy, but this one sets a new standard. If you find something that offends you, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I hesitate to tell this story, because it became a legend in Kyoto. I’d meet people on the train who’d say “Oh! You’re that octopus guy!” I’m not even making that up. I had been trying to contain it the best I could, but I figured it was hopeless when I ran into a friend who’d heard the story… while he was vacationing in Singapore. What the hell?! Anyway, I’ve given up on containment, and since this can also potentially embarrass the hell out of my ex-girlfriend (that bitch. Sorry, reflex), I’ve decided to share with you all.
One day last winter, my ex-girlfriend and I were fooling around, and she agreed to give me a blow-job (note the verb usage: “agreed”, not “offered.” That bitch). She said that she’d thought up a new technique, so she used this opportunity to try it out. She’d named it The Octopus. No, I will not tell you what “The Octopus” is; use your imaginations.
I was enjoying said Octopus, when she stopped suddenly and exclaimed “Oh no! It ripped.” I thought surely, she was talking about her lip, so I said, “What, your lip?” She responded, “No. You.” I looked down, and sure enough, there was blood. I suppose I should have freaked out, but strangely enough I was rather calm. I actually kind of wanted her to finish. The comic genius from Loveline, Adam Carolla, used to say that during sex, your body goes into a kind of Superman mode, where you become impervious to pain until well after the deed is done. I think I went into that mode. I stayed calmed her down, because she was freaking out at this point. I took a shower and we went to bed, with me pondering the events in my life that would lead me to lying in bed with a ripped dick thanks to a maneuver called The Octopus.


The next day when we tried to get amorous, it hurt. A lot. As men, we may try to shrug off injuries. “Oh, this broken foot? Nothing at all!” But this is one area I really didn’t want to mess around with. So we both decided I should go to a doctor, stat. Apparently in Japan, doctors only specialize in a specific part of the body. So, I had to find the Penis Doctor. Luckily we did, and on one of the two days said Penis Doctor was in.
The ex and I went to the hospital, and after navigating some hallways we found ourselves in the Penis Clinic (I don’t think it was actually called that, but that’s what it was for). They gave her an information form to fill out, and I had to pee in a cup. If you ever find yourself in a Japanese hospital, you WILL be peeing in a cup. It doesn’t matter why you’re there, the peeing in the cup is non-debateable. I don’t know why. I took a quick survey of the other patients in the waiting room. Mostly middle-aged and older men. Heh, you don’t have to think too hard about why they’re here. There was another young couple, and I wondered what kind of sea animal-named maneuver had sent him here. The Sea Horse? The Jellyfish? The Manta Ray? I decided I didn’t want to know. There was also a high school girl. By herself. Yes, just a high school girl, all by herself, there to see the penis doctor. I decided I didn’t want to know about that either.
My ex (that bitch) started filling out the info sheet. Except she did so rather audibly, and in Japanese.
Her: When did this happen? During sexual intercourse. But it was a blow-job, are blow-jobs sexual intercourse?
Me: Not according to Bill Clinton.
Her: But, there’s no blow-job option. OK, sexual intercourse then.
Me: Uh, honey, can you keep your voice down a bit?
Her: What happened? It ripped. Was cut. Or should I say tore? It kind of tore too, didn’t it?
Meanwhile, I looked behind to see an old guy staring at us, his face completely frozen in horror. I don’t even want to begin to imagine the nightmares he had that night.
After a long wait, we were called in to see Mr. Penis Doctor, Ph.D, a young-looking Japanese guy who actually spoke English. There was a young female Japanese nurse in the room as well. Mr. Penis Doctor took a look at the info sheet, then said to me, “Ah. So I see your penis was cut during sexual intercourse.”
“A blow-job, actually.” My ex corrected him. He turned and gave her a look similar to the horrified old guy in the waiting room, then said “I see.” He turned back to me, “OK, I know this is embarrassing, but can you lay down and drop your pants?”
So I did. The doctor put on a pair of clean white gloves, and the nurse had yet to do anything but watch. The doctor then started examining my dick, but did so by grabbing it in random places and asking, “Does it hurt here?” Hey doc, how about I just tell you where it’s cut, and you stop grabbing my dick, OK? I bet you this guy was a master at Dodgedick back in his day. So he finally got to the cut (tear?), took a two second look at it, slapped some ointment on, and said I’ll be fine. I was a little uneasy about this assessment to say the least. He seemed more interested in the examination than the actual injury.
“Are you sure it’s okay?” I asked. “I mean, the geography down there is forever changed.”
He assured me it would be fine, just use the ointment and don’t have sex for two weeks. My face must have been pretty expressive, because he then said, “Yeah, I know, I’m sorry, please ganbatte.” “Ganbatte” is the Japanese word used for anything ranging from “Good luck” to “Do your best” to “Hang in there.” Meanwhile, the nurse STILL hadn’t done anything. I’m certain her only job was to stand there and watch, so she could tell all the other nurses about it later.
That was it. I, of course, ignored the no-sex clause, but eventually the cut healed and the pain went away. And no, I will not tell you what The Octopus is, so don’t bother asking.
The geography remains forever changed.

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64 Responses

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  1. Simple said, on June 22, 2006 at 5:58 pm

    You can’t keep it a secret forever.

  2. Lindus said, on June 22, 2006 at 6:23 pm

    How many times does one have to tell them… Don’t use your teeth… Or at least be attentive, don’t watch TV, SMS or in any other way be distracted while handling valuable and sensitive equipment…
    With hopes he wasn’t too malformed…
    /Lindus

  3. Fox said, on June 22, 2006 at 7:32 pm

    Your ex-girlfriend (the bitch) sits around and thinks of new blow job techniques but then has no want in even trying them out?
    Then she rips you a new one in training said techniques…..ok. The Octopus eh? My imagination eludes me. Guess I’ll wait till I hear what it is through the grape vine here in the states. Happy 15 minutes of fame.

  4. Timotheus said, on June 22, 2006 at 9:04 pm

    PLEASE tell me what the octopus is! Come on! I’ll give you… hmm, fuckit, what do you want? I live in Taiwan, want anything from over here? Ok, enough with the rambling of mine. Just come on! Im will to risk a cut or two to try out anything called The Octopus (Capital Letters!).

  5. eightbitman said, on June 22, 2006 at 10:15 pm

    I’m going to assume it has something to do with the fingers, but not the thumbs, as you have eight of those.

  6. Godlesswanderer said, on June 23, 2006 at 1:41 am

    So.. ermm… what’s the octopus?
    Haha just kidding.
    Sounds… ermmmm… quite painful to say the least.

  7. Eday said, on June 23, 2006 at 4:08 am

    Dude!
    I wanna try it!..
    Blood? cool!

  8. Kelley said, on June 23, 2006 at 9:17 am

    You’re right, the news did spread. I heard that story and I work in Fukushima-ken!

  9. Rob said, on June 23, 2006 at 10:21 am

    Yeah, I’m kind of intrigued. I was thinking it has something to do with using both your hands and feet. doesn’t really sound like it works.

  10. Faulkon said, on June 23, 2006 at 10:46 am

    One can only pray it had something to do with her teeth. If it didn’t, the author’s ex (that bitch…sorry, I’ve read this guy’s editorials before, and I agree with him) redefines the phrase ‘could suck chrome off of a bumper’.
    Yow.

  11. maury said, on June 23, 2006 at 10:46 am

    Come on, tell us. We really have to know.

  12. masteryoda said, on June 23, 2006 at 5:09 pm

    so wait… how did word of the octopus spread? you didnt specify how all these people found out

  13. TLF said, on June 23, 2006 at 8:29 pm

    1. Whats the Octopus?!!
    2. Just how much did it rip?! You said the geog was forever changed, did she circumsize you or sumthin?
    3. Why do you hate her so much?

  14. Dom Dunc said, on June 23, 2006 at 8:30 pm

    SO how did the story become legendary? Did your Ex blab about it?

  15. Samson said, on June 23, 2006 at 8:38 pm

    For those who don’t know, “The Octopus” occurs when a female, firmly grasping a member with all fingers (tentacles), draws it towards her razor-sharp black beak. Slight gnawing and an old-fashioned Indian Burn follow soon after. I don’t see the appeal, Gaijin. Really.

  16. set said, on June 23, 2006 at 10:27 pm

    the sea horse sounds even more painful. just imaging what it could be if it were real frightens me.

  17. Stevo said, on June 23, 2006 at 10:40 pm

    Dude. Duuuuuuuuuude. “Ow!” is an understatement. I’m living in Tokyo. Every girl I meet will be verbally warned to not use this unknown technique, rest assured.

  18. Shinkada said, on June 23, 2006 at 10:44 pm

    WHAT IS IT?!
    ARGH! It’s TEARING (pun not originally intended) at my MIND man!! What in the name of God could be so ferocious that it rips up your loins, and be called The Octopus? I mean, maybe if it was called The Shark or something, it’d be obvious. But do octo…pi? Pussy? Whatever… Even have teeth? Ink can’t cut so that’s out. And I don’t think an almost space-like vacuum effect would cut. Damage, sure, but not cut. IT’S MESSING WITH MY MIND!
    Shouldn’t you, y’know, in a show of goodwill, tell us? I mean, what if one of us hooks up and the girl suddenly says, “Hey, I found this new technique, I call it the Octopus!” What if it’s worth it but risky? Is it certain to tear? Should we immediately jump from the bed/couch/alleyway and run for our lives? What if we decide to risk it and end up with it, not torn, but GONE?! Don’t you have any ethics?!
    Yeah, me neither, but it was worth a shot.

  19. John said, on June 24, 2006 at 1:45 am

    How would such a (fairly) non-descript story circulate so far? I mean granted I don’t cut my penis every day and have to get it checked out by a doctor, but this isn’t that far fetched. Essentially, You had a problem; you go to a doctor; the doctor’s visit is awkward; problem is solved…. Did I miss the punchline?

  20. RoseRose said, on June 24, 2006 at 3:48 am

    Dang… I’ve never done anything that’s hurt my boyfriend like THAT…
    Just accidentally kneed him a couple times.
    Don’t look at me like that! It’s hard manuevering in a twin bed!

  21. Anonymous said, on June 24, 2006 at 10:18 am

    I’m preeeeeeeeetty sure I know what the Octopus involves and why it’d rip like that. Needless to say, I tell all my girlfriends to not use any special blowjob techniques on me. I recall one time my ex girlfriend wanted to try something she dubbed “The Hammer.” I didn’t want to find out what that was. To this day I still have no clue what it entails.

  22. Anonymous said, on June 24, 2006 at 10:18 am

    I’m preeeeeeeeetty sure I know what the Octopus involves and why it’d rip like that. Needless to say, I tell all my girlfriends to not use any special blowjob techniques on me. I recall one time my ex girlfriend wanted to try something she dubbed “The Hammer.” I didn’t want to find out what that was. To this day I still have no clue what it entails.

  23. Becky said, on June 24, 2006 at 1:14 pm

    I know the American policy for gynecologists (vagina doctors :P) is that if the doctor is male, law requires that a female nurse be in the room during the examination to make sure that the doctor doesn’t try anything. Maybe the Japanese have a similar thing?

  24. trisha said, on June 24, 2006 at 1:27 pm

    why won’t you tell me what the octopus is? this will keep me awake at night…

  25. Phusi said, on June 24, 2006 at 6:50 pm

    I want to know how they knew the name of the procedure. Did she say it was the Octupus while filling out the paperwork, or to the doctor?

  26. Liane said, on June 24, 2006 at 9:12 pm

    I can only assume that you must not be circumcised… My male’s foreskin has torn during actual sex, but never during a blowjob. It’s (according to him) “quite fragile”.
    Man, guy parts are lame :D.

  27. majoraddiction said, on June 25, 2006 at 1:58 am

    take care of the ..tool.. man

  28. Zak said, on June 25, 2006 at 10:05 am

    Um… where did it tear/cut/get covered in ointment?

  29. Crab said, on June 25, 2006 at 12:51 pm

    You know that eventually we WILL discover how to do the octopus.
    And then I will try it on my boyfriend (unless it requires a girl)

  30. ScorpZ said, on June 25, 2006 at 8:47 pm

    You have me actually gesturing with my hands and my mouth to try to figure out what the hell the “octopus” is.

  31. GG said, on June 25, 2006 at 10:04 pm

    The worst I’ve ever gotten was a black eye… don’t ask 🙂

  32. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2006 at 12:14 am

    i may be a pervert, but now i’m really curious about octopuses

  33. Anonymous said, on June 26, 2006 at 12:14 am

    i may be a pervert, but now i’m really curious about octopuses

  34. Twirly said, on June 26, 2006 at 1:10 pm

    Banjo-string injuries are funny but pretty common; I just don’t quite get how your particular one could have become as notorious as you make out without a detailed/hilarious description of the octopus.
    Awesome blog though, eagerly awaiting more updates. Smiley face.

  35. Chaos said, on June 26, 2006 at 5:40 pm

    Heh, I remember reading this on OutPost Nine. Pretty funny. Lucky for me, no experience in the field of ripping my crotch. O.o

  36. Anonymous said, on June 27, 2006 at 12:02 am

    I really do want to know what the Octopus is, only because I want to make sure it is never performed on me.

  37. Anonymous said, on June 27, 2006 at 12:02 am

    I really do want to know what the Octopus is, only because I want to make sure it is never performed on me.

  38. Stijn said, on June 27, 2006 at 7:27 pm

    You know.. ever since I first read this article I’ve been curious about what exactly the octopus is, and random strands of images come to me every so often of what the octopus could have been. Disturbing.

  39. Lerren said, on June 28, 2006 at 1:13 am

    I’m quite sure that some other girl would chime in – we often have a nurse of the opposite sex in the room during our… ahem… personal examinations, simply to be sure that nothing untowards happens. and quite often, they do NOTHING.

  40. Henry Lan said, on June 28, 2006 at 9:43 am

    erm…maybe in the interests of all men everywhere, you should buy her a file so she can dull her sharp teeth?? or i suppose if its some kind of jewelry i’ll have to watch out for that.

  41. Nantoka said, on June 29, 2006 at 10:10 pm

    I really like reading your posts, I get a laugh everytime!
    I’m in the same boat as you (were), why is it always “agreed” but never “offered”? I’m hoping one of these days to find a trick to get her to offer one up.
    The “octopus” huh? Unless she had braces, or a piercing, there must have been some serious..uuhhh..”manipulating” going on there for a tear. You’ve got me thinking.

  42. Alex said, on July 1, 2006 at 9:30 pm

    im just wondering what ripped???

  43. Hikkikomori Neet said, on July 27, 2006 at 3:28 am

    Awesome entry as usual!!
    Never fails to amuse me. You are my blog-idol.
    Sorry to hear about your previous server set-up, I it wasn’t only me that liked it.
    And no offense to this site, but its kind of cluttered. ;_;
    But still, more power to both you and all servers you plan to migrate your blog too!!
    And as for those who are eager to find out what the Octopus. I suggest you read the previous comments. Seriously, it gets annoying when you constantly come upon consecutive entiries that say the same thing.
    I know its unconventional, but since its already neatly splayed out and everything. Why not give it a whirl, eh?
    And he already said that he wasn’t going to say, so I don’t think he’ll be saying it no matter how much you annoy him.
    That is all. ^_^ Ganbatte!!

  44. victor said, on July 28, 2006 at 2:12 am

    i’m guessing it just gets sucked really hard…

  45. youex-gf said, on July 30, 2006 at 2:21 am

    you gay bitch. this is not funny.

  46. Romanticide said, on August 6, 2006 at 1:18 pm

    in a few years from now, if it haven’t happened already, you will become kind of a urban legend. most of the male population that will hear your story will be too terrified of it to believe it’s true, and in 10 or 20 people won’t be sure if the story was true or not… unless they read this editorial.
    Pd. I am a girl but still everytime I feel the story… I feel pain just of thinking of it… empathy can be a really bad thing… >.<

  47. Drew said, on August 30, 2006 at 10:08 pm

    ….If you think about it how did she learn the new tech…i mean the only person she should be with his him…

  48. Xin said, on September 4, 2006 at 7:25 am

    I have to wonder how this got out into the open, and how so many people acknowledged you for it. It’s not like your ex (that bitch) stuck up posters saying what happened, right? So how did you become so famous for it?

  49. Anonymous said, on September 8, 2006 at 1:49 am

    Actually, if you run a search on Google (The Octopus Oral Sex) You’ll find a number of results that respond to an oral sex move called “The Octopus”. So either your girlfriend lied about making it up, or she’s unoriginal about her sex move titles…. I’m guessing the latter.
    Thanks for the story Az!

  50. ronnie ross said, on October 16, 2006 at 2:14 pm

    Wat the fuck is the octupus please somebody tell me

  51. Lyndon Reid said, on December 12, 2006 at 4:41 pm

    Hey man. Um… Did you really have a friend who heard this story in Singapore? It doesn’t even seem that embarassing. Anyhow, I’ve heard worse stories, so it surprises me that this one would have become world famous. Well, that’s pretty cool I guess. But this story doesn’t seem that weird. Just don’t do it in the future I guess and best of luck to you with future girlfriends. See ya.

  52. Kaitou1412 said, on December 12, 2006 at 6:51 pm

    The Octopus @ Youtube =)

  53. Anonymous said, on January 23, 2007 at 3:28 pm

    He probably ripped at the head
    Not the skin

  54. Anonymous said, on January 23, 2007 at 3:28 pm

    He probably ripped at the head
    Not the skin

  55. J said, on January 25, 2007 at 6:54 am

    Bill Clinton’s was bent on account of scaring. So, what’s the octopus?

  56. Pyrofyr said, on February 19, 2007 at 4:21 am

    @ Kaitou1412, that guy must love some Octopus.
    Also, the best assumption I can come up with about what “The Octopus” would be, would revolve around the fact that Octopi have circular mouthes with many teeth, and they grip what they are going to eat with their tentacles, and grip tight.
    So I’m assuming she firmly grasped his member with both hands white gnawing or biting on it, sounds painful.

  57. Anonymous said, on April 11, 2007 at 11:04 am

    funny, even after the cut, you still had sex, lol

  58. Anonymous said, on April 11, 2007 at 11:04 am

    funny, even after the cut, you still had sex, lol

  59. Chȯ-Gaijin said, on May 13, 2007 at 6:31 am

    Wow… kinda scary… Though I don’t wanna call your ex (that bitch) by her title (XD sry, couldn’t help it… have read your blogs before, a long time ago, and agree, infact I think I remimber this one, but It hasn’t all come back to me, yet.)
    Well, atleast you’re …famous… I guess…as far as further ventures… ganbatte

  60. Win said, on July 19, 2007 at 8:19 am

    You know the only true response to an octopus(whatever the hell that is) is a Spiderman.
    Which is, of course, finishing in your hand then yelling “Go web go!” and slapping her in the face with the previously soiled hand.

  61. Anonymous said, on August 25, 2007 at 6:06 pm

    you didn’t say the most intesting part, just how the hell did you get famous for this???

  62. Anonymous said, on August 25, 2007 at 6:06 pm

    you didn’t say the most intesting part, just how the hell did you get famous for this???

  63. Anonymous said, on October 15, 2007 at 10:35 pm

    My girlfriend actually showed me this blog, but it gave me a possible answer. It all depends on whether the writer is circumsized, (no you don’t need to answer). You see, octopi have suction cups, and it is possible she was sucking really hard on the tip and (woops) rip, tear, circumsized the hard way. Painful though, but a warning to all guys out there.
    (Girlfriend’s note: I showed him this entry just to see the look on his face. When I show this to girls, they laugh their butts off. I show it to a guy, and they get this horrified expression. Its great.)

  64. Anonymous said, on October 15, 2007 at 10:35 pm

    My girlfriend actually showed me this blog, but it gave me a possible answer. It all depends on whether the writer is circumsized, (no you don’t need to answer). You see, octopi have suction cups, and it is possible she was sucking really hard on the tip and (woops) rip, tear, circumsized the hard way. Painful though, but a warning to all guys out there.
    (Girlfriend’s note: I showed him this entry just to see the look on his face. When I show this to girls, they laugh their butts off. I show it to a guy, and they get this horrified expression. Its great.)


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