Gaijin Smash

Ass Wars Episode VI – Return of the Kancho

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on January 22, 2005

Mousey tried to kancho me today. This was kind of surprising, as I hadn’t had any attempts in a while.
You see, kancho is mostly an elementary school thing. I’m grateful to say, kids grow out of the “Hey! Wouldn’t it be fun to stick my fingers up someone’s butt?” phase somewhere around 12-13 years old. So it’s rare to get any kancho attempts from the ninensei or sannensei. The ichinensei on the other hand… While they’re not particularly prone to it, they might bust it out for special occasions. Like “welcoming” the new foreign teacher. April is particularly dangerous, because that’s when the ichinensei enter Jr. High School straight from elementary school. New school, new asses, it’s like unlocking hidden levels in Ass Raider or something.


I hadn’t had any attempts since last April. The new ichinensei had just entered Jr. High, and one day one boy tempted fate against me. Thanks to my trusty Kancho SenseTM I avoided getting my oil checked, but I realized that if I didn’t head this shit off at the pass, I’d have to be parrying them for at least the next few months. So I turned around and chased the boy down. He was surprised, he probably didn’t think I could move that fast. I caught him. I restrained him with my left hand, dropped to one knee, put my right hand back as far as I could, said, “One thousand years of pain!!” in the over-blown anime style and everything, and prepared to kancho him straight to Hell. The boy was freaked out. I think tears were even streaming down his face. I don’t blame him. In retrospect, I can’t even imagine. You’re a 12-year-old Japanese boy being forcibly restrained by a large black man who is bound and determined to penetrate your ass. I would have been crying too.
So I wound up to deliver the Unholy Kancho, but stopped just inches short of the mark. I then spun the boy around, and addressing not just him, but the crowd that had gathered around him, I said, “Now, that is your warning.” I didn’t have any kancho attempts after that. I only did this at one school, but I imagine news of the event spread like wildfire to the other two.
However, Mousey didn’t quite get it. Despite being a ninensei now, he acted like an elementary school kid. Worse sometimes. So I was standing in the hall, my Kancho SenseTM distracted while I talked to one of my (cute) young teachers. Thankfully, I had my emergency fallback – my baggy pants, and Mousey missed. But not by much. I almost let this slide, but I knew if I did I might as well bend over and paint a bullseye on my ass. So I caught up to him and put him in a headlock as he was on his way to class.
“What in the world did you just do?” I ask.
“Kancho.” He says nonchalantly, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world to try and ram your fingers up someone’s ass.
“Uh-huh. If you ever try that again, I will give you the biggest kancho in the history of Japan,” I say. “General Tojo will feel it 60 years ago, and call his planes back before they get to Pearl Harbor. Got it?”
“Got it.”
I expect not to have anymore kancho problems for a while.

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50 Responses

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  1. SKLBSTRX said, on June 13, 2006 at 10:54 pm

    Hahaha, Kancho.. sounds pretty degrading. I hadn’t even heard of this “Ass ramming” until right now. And I’m glad.

  2. Anonymous said, on June 14, 2006 at 2:25 am

    “General Tojo will feel it 60 years ago, and call his planes back before they get to Pearl Harbor. Got it?”
    Awesome.

  3. Anonymous said, on June 14, 2006 at 2:25 am

    “General Tojo will feel it 60 years ago, and call his planes back before they get to Pearl Harbor. Got it?”
    Awesome.

  4. Vaxalon said, on June 14, 2006 at 8:44 am

    I love your stories, Az. Keep them coming.

  5. Candy said, on June 14, 2006 at 1:52 pm

    lol, I want to become a teacher in Holland. Thankfully nobody here knows what a kancho is!

  6. Jagerfall said, on June 14, 2006 at 3:37 pm

    Redundant. Redundant, redundant, redundant. Seriously, your first posts were great, but I am sure a lot of people are sick of hearing about the unfunny “kancho” problems you’ve had.

  7. goats said, on June 14, 2006 at 4:32 pm

    I actually am enjoying the kancho tales for the first time. Keep ’em comin’….

  8. Squink said, on June 14, 2006 at 5:01 pm

    i disagree completely with Jagerfall. Kancho Dodging is hilarious to read about.

  9. Jagerfall said, on June 14, 2006 at 5:10 pm

    I’m sorry I am an idiot, these are obviously reposts of old stories, so they are old. I thought they were new ones, I’m going to go hang myself in the bathroom and listen to my J-pop and anime. Good bye Kawaii-deshooooooo.

  10. Joe said, on June 14, 2006 at 5:43 pm

    Jagger is an idiot. Its hard to type because the pearl harbor quote is still making me laugh.

  11. Execudork said, on June 14, 2006 at 6:13 pm

    Not redundant. Previous Kancho posts did not describe retribution and violence on your part.
    Please continue to ignore the idiots who lament your decision to post old stuff for new people to see. The idea that there may be other people not yet exposed to your writing is apparently foreign to them.
    Keep up the good work.

  12. mamba said, on June 14, 2006 at 6:25 pm

    wow i mean really, i would have thought most people would have got it out of their systems by now, the shock is over and the material is good no matter how you look at it, and if the tales of a man parrying attempts at the ol dirty baloonknot arent funny to you then dont ready, but the guy has a talent for writing, and writing funny stuff so keep em comming.

  13. Potatoe said, on June 14, 2006 at 8:22 pm

    Man I can’t get enough of this. I’m sorry you have so many complainers. I’m new to the site and love it.

  14. Ihmhi said, on June 14, 2006 at 8:59 pm

    It would be redundant if it were not for the fact that this keeps happening to him.
    I read through the entirety of your blog up until this point. It has made me strongly reconsider wanting to even visit Japan, much less live there…

  15. Arius said, on June 14, 2006 at 10:45 pm

    Hell, Azrael’s got some of the best written stuff on the web. He inspired me to write about my own experiences in Japan, but I certainly can’t capture the same hilarity as he does.
    The problem is that his massive archives have disappeared… I never got through all of them, and now I fear I will have to wait years at this rate to have access to them again. Dang it.
    Keep it up, Azrael. And do your best to git them thar archives up soon! We’re counting on it.

  16. Kim Sørensen said, on June 15, 2006 at 12:02 am

    How can any one, not think, that this is hilarious… ah, those cooky japanese.

  17. firaga said, on June 15, 2006 at 12:22 am

    So, what, two stories about little crazy monsters trying to penetrate people’s asses in school qualifies as “redundant?” Pfft. Keep up the great work!

  18. Aaron said, on June 15, 2006 at 1:48 am

    I think you should write a book about your life in Japan, maybe it would be picked up by a publishing company. I know I would buy it.

  19. Guy from Oxford said, on June 15, 2006 at 6:31 am

    Keep it up with the kancho shit! It’s all hilarious! I love the line: ” You’re a 12-year-old Japanese boy being forcibly restrained by a large black man who is bound and determined to penetrate your ass. I would have been crying too.”
    You’ve got talent! This is awesome shit you’re writing!

  20. Kahnmark said, on June 15, 2006 at 7:15 am

    Excellent addition in the Kancho saga. This is fireside story shit, just quality. If someone approaches you and tries to say “Hello” but it comes out “herro”, I want to hear about it.

  21. Anonymous said, on June 15, 2006 at 11:07 am

    I think what the guy above meant to say was if you don’t like his material, then don’t read it. The rest of us enjoy it, and please, just wait until he finishes updating with all the old material. It isn’t always about Kancho, just the first handful of posts. He has a lot to say.

  22. Anonymous said, on June 15, 2006 at 11:07 am

    I think what the guy above meant to say was if you don’t like his material, then don’t read it. The rest of us enjoy it, and please, just wait until he finishes updating with all the old material. It isn’t always about Kancho, just the first handful of posts. He has a lot to say.

  23. graymulligan said, on June 15, 2006 at 11:22 am

    I’ve been reading the posts on this site for a while now, and I keep waiting for them to return to being funny.
    Agree with teh first post, this whole “protecting against kancho or ball grabbing or whatver the kids are trying to do today” thing is getting a tad old.

  24. Anonymous said, on June 15, 2006 at 3:35 pm

    Probably my favorite entry, even if the material isn’t new. The mental images are hilarious.

  25. Anonymous said, on June 15, 2006 at 3:35 pm

    Probably my favorite entry, even if the material isn’t new. The mental images are hilarious.

  26. Godlesswanderer said, on June 15, 2006 at 10:52 pm

    Hahaha, I’m a 17 year old British kid and even I’d be scared of a large black man who is about to penetrate my arse.
    Funny stuff 😀

  27. Anonymous said, on June 18, 2006 at 3:14 am

    Great writing. I especially liked the “Unlocking hidden levels in Ass Raider” bit. Hilarious.
    Keep it coming.

  28. Anonymous said, on June 18, 2006 at 3:14 am

    Great writing. I especially liked the “Unlocking hidden levels in Ass Raider” bit. Hilarious.
    Keep it coming.

  29. Mannatu said, on June 18, 2006 at 1:50 pm

    Holy Cwap,!!I laughed so hard milk shot out my nose,and I haven’t drank milk in ten years.
    I’m sure “Kancho”will be a well used part of my lexicon from now on!

  30. Allan® said, on June 18, 2006 at 5:54 pm

    Mamba … I’d agree with you … I’m a larger Canadian Guy and even *I* would be afraid of Azreal if he wanted to Kancho me. However, he has NO reason to want to, as I won’t do it to him. I just hope when I do my long term visit to Japan … I can find the “Kancho Sense™” as well … oh, DodgeDick Sense™ would be a good oune too *L*
    Az … keep up the good work
    Allan®

  31. Heyward Boyce said, on June 18, 2006 at 9:14 pm

    As a former camp counselor who spent entire summers swatting kids away from his groin and ass, I find the Kancho stories hysterically funny.

  32. Mick said, on June 19, 2006 at 1:10 am

    Jagerfall and Mamba,
    How about you let the bloke write his stories and you read them. Its pretty damn obvious from the title what its about so its not like hes sneaking them in….
    Oh not another Kancho story!!!! Who am I not to just ignore it and read the next one…

  33. Fox said, on June 21, 2006 at 4:24 pm

    Learning something everyday. I think i’m used to hearing about people stick everything else up there an ass other than fingers.
    “I wanna feel ya from the inside!”

  34. Midjet said, on June 23, 2006 at 10:45 am

    hahah! I love reading your stuff, you really have a talent!

  35. Anonymous said, on June 23, 2006 at 6:08 pm

    great experiences breed even greater stories. forget the first guy’S comment, focus on what’s important. good read.

  36. Anonymous said, on June 23, 2006 at 6:08 pm

    great experiences breed even greater stories. forget the first guy’S comment, focus on what’s important. good read.

  37. Captain Kancho said, on June 25, 2006 at 5:53 am

    Maybe I should become a teacher in Japan. I have a cowboy hat that is literally called a “concho hat” (it’s stamped inside the crown, in fact!) and I could convince the kids that it’s actually an award for being a master of Kancho…

  38. William said, on June 25, 2006 at 11:55 am

    Very funny stuff. I want to go to Japan one day too.

  39. Cheesy said, on June 26, 2006 at 10:10 pm

    O…kay. I don’t exactly think that it’s best to try and make them stop by shoving your fingers up their ass, regardless of your motives. I can only imagine how quickly you’d get thrown out of society and into jail if you used this discipline technique in America.

  40. Zimma said, on June 29, 2006 at 1:10 am

    Omgomgomg! ‘One thousand years of pain’! That was on Naruto!

  41. Cryo said, on August 17, 2006 at 4:33 am

    As of now I have tears streaming… At 4 am everythings funny. But this just stood out.

  42. Kerii-chan said, on September 16, 2006 at 12:37 am

    Oh my god! You pulled Kakashi-sensei’s move on the kid! You rock so hard! XD

  43. h8GWB said, on November 14, 2006 at 6:46 am

    Although I’m glad you didn’t degenerate into anal-probing vengence after your first real kancho threats, retrospectively, I personally would lay off the lame-assed Naruto references (I DO hate Naruto).
    I mean, at least come with some original attack cries if you’re gonna threaten a 12-yr old with some recal rooting. “DEVINE RETRIBUTION!” would be a good choice. “KARMIC REDEMPTION!” also has a nice tone to it. This carries an additional benefit of causing major confusion damage, with possible reduction of mental status points, by using big, English words, perhaps warding off future attacks. This is opposed to enticing the kid into a continuous ass-battle with you, by shouting an easily identifiable pop-reference.
    “THE INVEVITABLE CONCLUSION!” sounds pretty neat, too.

  44. Anonymous said, on December 17, 2006 at 5:36 pm

    Still laughing tears about this funny shit! Thanks for sharing your insight!

  45. Anonymous said, on December 17, 2006 at 5:36 pm

    Still laughing tears about this funny shit! Thanks for sharing your insight!

  46. Anonymous said, on February 5, 2007 at 12:23 am

    lol, I always find out about cool stuff later than anybody else (case in point: I didn’t see Evangelion until November of ’06).
    These stories are very interesting (and entertaining). It’s always great to read an American’s views on living life in the Holy Land of Japan. I briefly considered learning Japanese so I could go teach English in JP. Glad I stuck with Computer Information Systems :-p

  47. Anonymous said, on February 5, 2007 at 12:23 am

    lol, I always find out about cool stuff later than anybody else (case in point: I didn’t see Evangelion until November of ’06).
    These stories are very interesting (and entertaining). It’s always great to read an American’s views on living life in the Holy Land of Japan. I briefly considered learning Japanese so I could go teach English in JP. Glad I stuck with Computer Information Systems :-p

  48. PoetJones said, on March 31, 2007 at 11:48 pm

    Everyday life always has some semblance of redundancy to it. If it didn’t…well, one would say you were on drugs and couldn’t tell the difference.
    Anyway, it was funny the first time I read it and it still is. I find the kids’ persistence in getting a stab at your ass hilarious!

  49. justine said, on September 17, 2007 at 9:55 pm

    you know… i was watching this anime a while back and they did that, the kancho thing. and i laughed when i saw it, cause they used it like an attack, and it kind of went with the flow of the show, so it was funny. but i had no idea it was such a cultural phenomonon. i mean… wtf… why?? but i still kind of chuckle at the thought

  50. L'il Phoenix said, on October 21, 2007 at 3:09 pm

    I find this kancho phenomenon a bit disturbing, but I can understand elementary school kids doing it I guess….so immature. But you know, kids used to pants each other at my sister’s middle school all the time and sometimes more than just the pants came down X( Yeah, whatever, middle school sucks no matter where you are, haha.


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