Gaijin Smash

Protecting The Merchandise

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on January 19, 2005

Some people like to say, “Another day, another dollar.” Being in Japan, I’d like to say, “Another day, another yen.” Unfortunately, my version goes something like, “Another day, another game of dodgedick.”
This particular day, it was the same boy who’d once clapped his hands together and said in English, “please!” after I denied him an opportunity. Class ended, and he came up to talk to me about something. When the conversation ended he started lunging for my stuff. Complete with “ching!” sound effects with every attempt.
He was particularly motivated this time, and came at me pretty hard. I had to catch both his arms, and with those restrained he tried to use his knees to get a feel. I mean, I can understand setting a goal and going for it, but this of all things?!


I tried to reason with him. “Why do you want to touch that? Don’t you like girls?” I said in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear. His response? “Let me touch it! It’s big right? I bet you it’s big!” He then turned to the English teacher, a Japanese man in his mid-thirties, for confirmation. “It’s big, isn’t it?” My teacher’s response? “Please don’t compare him to us Japanese guys.”
Thanks.
So my teacher quietly retreated back to the teachers’ room while I had to keep restraining this boy well into the hallway, against his repeated cries, “Lemme touch it! It’s gotta be big!” The teacher did give me permission to drop him in a toilet, and flush it, but the bathrooms were a hallway away and this kid was no runt.
He asked me to give up, but when I made it clear I’d carry him down 3 flights of stairs to the teachers’ room if I had to, he finally gave up, but not before giving me an ominous, “I’ll get it one day.”
I returned to the teachers’ room, and the teacher asked me if the boy had managed to get a grab. I proudly exclaimed, “Hell no!” The teacher laughed and said, “I see,” but I do think I detected a hint of disappointment in his voice as well.
Another day, another game of dodgedick.

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23 Responses

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  1. nick said, on June 11, 2006 at 10:49 pm

    azreal i remember you at outpost 9. re reading that i still feel bad for you. your still in japan arn’t you?

  2. I had seven faces. said, on June 12, 2006 at 12:15 am

    In truth, I don’t actually have seven faces, but Interpol’s “NYC” is playing at the moment.
    I’ve just finished reading all your journal blurbs, and should like to say…that they were all highly amusing, and even made me grin from time to time.
    It sounds like your job keeps you on your toes. Anyhow, continue posting amusing journals, sire.
    I’ll be off.
    Farewell.
    Or as the English say, “Pip pip!”

  3. jokr said, on June 12, 2006 at 12:49 am

    An entire country with penis envy. Hell i hope you get laid alot.

  4. Emily said, on June 12, 2006 at 1:45 am

    I don’t really understand why they are so obsessed with your penis…it’s really perverted. And the other teachers responses are strange. While it is extremly hilarious, it’d still freak me the fuck out. If a student ever did manage to get a feel of things, what if he manipulated the story into that of, ‘you let him.’ Becareful man, those Japanese kids seem very unpredictable. I love your stories though & am glad that you’ve become apart of Festering Asses chain of friends.

  5. Potatoe said, on June 12, 2006 at 12:08 pm

    I have a buddy of mine who’s gay and he often mentioned his confusion over Asian men. I asked why and he said they all seem very gay to him and threw off his gadar. After reading these comments I keep wondering about the culture…

  6. Anonymous said, on June 13, 2006 at 7:54 am

    Thats sickening..

  7. Anonymous said, on June 13, 2006 at 7:54 am

    Thats sickening..

  8. James A. Calwell III said, on June 13, 2006 at 11:34 am

    Frankly, it would have been nice to know this before 18 November 2004. But I digress.

  9. Padre said, on June 13, 2006 at 3:16 pm

    Two words for ya dude…zip ties.

  10. Robin said, on June 13, 2006 at 7:00 pm

    “ching” is japanese for penis/vagina… just slang 🙂

  11. Anonymous said, on June 13, 2006 at 10:57 pm

    “Please don’t compare him to us Japanese guys.”
    Best response ever. I’m actually crying still right now.

  12. Anonymous said, on June 13, 2006 at 10:57 pm

    “Please don’t compare him to us Japanese guys.”
    Best response ever. I’m actually crying still right now.

  13. Shinkada said, on June 15, 2006 at 4:43 am

    Giving an all new meaning to the term ‘cockblock’.

  14. Grimiore said, on June 16, 2006 at 8:45 am

    hhahahahah… this brings back a memory. but first some background…
    I was a 23yo Aussie guy renting a room from a Japanese lady and her two kids, one night Im over at her friends place where they are cooking dinner. The Japanese lady pours me a beer and I procede to hold it aloft and say “Ching Ching!” as I and all my mates do when we are drinking.
    Her son, who was about 8 at the time, asks me if I know what “ching ching” means, to which I reply “umm.. no”.
    He procedes to tell me that it means “male genitalia”, while his mother looks kinda embarassed. After that I hold the beer aloft and say “ching ching” again before drinking it.
    Just one of my fond memories from living with that Japanese lady. As it went at the time.. “I love riding Japanese things… my car, my bike, my housemate and her friend”

  15. Fox said, on June 21, 2006 at 4:06 pm

    Ah dang. I’ve been away from the site for 4 days. Time to get caught up!!!

  16. midjet said, on June 23, 2006 at 11:24 am

    Lol. Can never get sick of these.

  17. Anonymous said, on July 14, 2006 at 9:53 pm

    Almost the exact thing happened to me in a Mexican strip club. Once one of em finds out you have a big johnson, the rest all grab it every time they walk past you. Not that I’m complaining.

  18. Anonymous said, on July 14, 2006 at 9:53 pm

    Almost the exact thing happened to me in a Mexican strip club. Once one of em finds out you have a big johnson, the rest all grab it every time they walk past you. Not that I’m complaining.

  19. Romanticide said, on August 5, 2006 at 9:58 pm

    I have read the text dozens of times… and still creeps the hell out of me.
    To the guy that went to the mexican strip club: I can assure that is not a cultural thing. I am a mexican girl born and raised in Mexico and I have never heard of that before…

  20. Kura said, on January 3, 2007 at 5:25 am

    Holy hell. XDD

  21. littlewing said, on January 4, 2007 at 9:27 pm

    he may not be allowed to but what about me

  22. Murpledurp said, on January 31, 2007 at 8:12 am

    Very, very, VERY strange.
    I’m still laughing my asterisk off; though weather from shock or hilarity I cannot guess….

  23. justine said, on September 17, 2007 at 8:49 pm

    hahaha thats so odd, but so funny. you have a really interesting writing style. the stories are very interesting and quriky, and of course culturally varied, but the way in which is presented makes it kind of funny and that much more compelling.


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