Gaijin Smash

Japanese Kids Say the Darndest Things, Part 2

Posted in Blog by gaijinsmashnet on January 12, 2005

More wonderfulness from my kids.
One day I was working with one of my favorite teachers in the ghetto school. Her English is great, and she’s really Americanized, as showcased by the random expletives she’ll hit me with. One day after a noisy class, she sighed heavily and said “Oh man, those fucking bastards wouldn’t shut up!” Imagine this coming from a Japanese woman and you’ll understand why I was floored.
In an ichinensei class, one boy was heckling her the whole time. He kept saying that she should marry me, because she’s still single at 27 and she doesn’t want to die alone, right? She gave him a harsh, “Shut up kid,” in Japanese, and this almost worked. A few minutes later, he leaned in and asked her to come closer, which she did. When she was close enough, he asked, “Are you still a virgin?”
The smack she gave him was instantaneous. I mean, the words had barely escaped his mouth and already her hand was on its way back from having whacked him. I’ve never seen anyone move that fast.
But then she turned to me and, in English, says “Can you believe this kid?! How old does he think I am? Of course I’m not a virgin!”
And they always say the Japanese are a reserved and private people.


***
One day after a school assembly, an ichinensei girl walked up to me and asked me how to say “oppai” in English. “Oppai” is the Japanese word for a woman’s breast, and now I’ve taught you a dirty Japanese word. (It’s not that dirty, so don’t get too excited.) I told her that kind of English was definitely not for her. But she continued to persist, finally just breaking down my will to live, and I gave in.
“Breast.”
Unfortunately, she didn’t quite understand it, and asked me to repeat it several times. I did, but her Japanese tongue couldn’t get it right. “Buraido?” “Burasuto?”
Also unfortunately, she decided to practice rather loudly, which got pretty much the whole school’s attention. My English teacher, the Americanized one, overheard and said to me, “Aw, don’t teach her that!” I said it’s probably best she learn the correct term before she gets something vulgar from TV or music. “Oh, like tits?” my Japanese teacher asked. I told you her English is pretty good.
Anyway, she almost agreed with me on that point. Almost. Until the girl ran by screaming at the top of her lungs, “Breasts! Breasts!”
She doesn’t even have them. And since she’s Japanese, she probably never will.
***
After a class, three sannensei boys somehow managed to push me into a corner. They said they had an urgent question, and told my English teacher to go on without me. Her response was to stand there looking somewhat helpless. Thanks.
So the boys turned to me, and in English, asked, “Are you a cherry boy?” Cherry boy? The hell is that? Having lived here long enough, I sort of suspected where they were going, but I certainly wasn’t helping them along this road. So I pleaded ignorance. They boys wondered if the terminology was different in English, then on the spot, reworded the question to, “Have you ever played sex?”
This is remarkable because if you ask them almost any question at all, from, “What day is it today?” to “How old are you?” or even, “What country do you live in?” it would cause confusion, doubt, and at least a private conference with the person sitting behind them. Yet these boys were able to rework Cherry Boy into, “Have you ever played sex?” instantaneously. I was almost proud of them.
I gave my usual, “That’s not appropriate for Jr. High Schoolers,” answer, and tried to get away, but they had me on lockdown pretty good. In order to escape I would have had to exert some real power, toss a few of them around or just Gaijin Smash my way out, and I didn’t want to do that. They increased the pressure, and told me to just answer, “Yes or No.” This actually became a chant, and with me stuck in the corner I was forced to finally answer: yes. This sent them into an absolute frenzy. When they calmed down, they swore me to secrecy about our little “chat,” complete with the finger to the mouth and the “sssshhh” sound. Now, whenever I see them, they do that gesture. And I do mean whenever, which sometimes means 3-5 times a day.
***
I was playing Hamburger Shop with the ichinensei. I was the clerk, and the students were supposed to ask for stuff like “3 burgers and 4 colas, please.” The point of the activity was to get them using the plural forms of nouns by adding an -s.
A boy came up to me and decided to be funny. Or at least, tried to be. He cooly walked into my shop and said, “3 condoms, please.”
I told him it’s not that kind of hamburger shop.
He got a laugh from all his friends, and confused looks from most of the other students who had no idea what he said. The Japanese teacher knew perfectly though, and told him to shape up and do the activity right. The boy then decided to be serious and proceeded with, “4 bonana, please”.
Okay, what the hell? The little perv can roll up and say, “3 condoms,” perfectly, but then lays “4 BONANA” on me. Not “banana,” which by the way, in Japanese, is amazingly enough “banana”. No no, “bonana.”
He didn’t even get the “s” at the end, which was the whole point of the activity.
***
My male students love to challenge me to arm wrestling. They’re quite interested in hand and arm strength, and for them, I’m like the ultimate test. I beat most of them pretty easily, but some boys give me a run for my money. Before you laugh, realize that these kids are playing sports every day, for 2 hours a day. Compare that to my sedentary lifestyle of eating rice and watching bad Japanese TV, and I’m thankful I can still beat them at all.
During yet another bout of arm wrestling matches at the ghetto school, one boy came along who was actually pretty strong. I was having some difficulty against him and I had to go all out. It wasn’t easy, but I was getting his hand down.
However, out of the corner of my eye, I caught the ichinensei girl I mentioned above, now standing among the crowd of boys. Just as my eyesight caught her, she yelled out, “Breasts!” Having been sufficiently distracted by a 12-year-old Japanese girl yelling “breasts!” at me, I lost my concentration and was beaten. The boys roared in surprise and revelation. As I tried to explain that I’d been distracted, I turned to find the girl was nowhere to be found.
It’s a little disturbing to think that my life now includes a little Japanese girl who will randomly teleport into a place, yell “breasts!” at me, then teleport out as quickly as she came.

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29 Responses

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  1. Josh said, on June 7, 2006 at 5:47 pm

    The Breastcrawler? BAMFing in and out of random places yelling “Breasts!”. Great stuff.

  2. Anonymous said, on June 7, 2006 at 7:31 pm

    lmao…dis stuff is hilarious.,.rock onnn eZ šŸ˜€

  3. Anonymous said, on June 7, 2006 at 7:31 pm

    lmao…dis stuff is hilarious.,.rock onnn eZ šŸ˜€

  4. Culture2007 said, on June 7, 2006 at 9:47 pm

    i love your stuff, it never prevents me from laughing or spraying projectile food at my computer screen. But what happened to all of the later editorials i recall these being from the beginning? Maybe I overlooked them or something. Keep up the editorials! ^^ Stay sane.

  5. Graham Hsu said, on June 7, 2006 at 11:37 pm

    I’m loving these articles keep adding more.

  6. Anonymous said, on June 8, 2006 at 4:53 am

    Haha this is my favorite story. The random teleporting breast girl is hilarious.

  7. Anonymous said, on June 8, 2006 at 4:53 am

    Haha this is my favorite story. The random teleporting breast girl is hilarious.

  8. Jaidnoire said, on June 8, 2006 at 9:03 am

    Hilarious! Just discovered your blog and I’m in heaven. Looking forward to seeing all of the archives!

  9. Joe said, on June 8, 2006 at 11:21 am

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…………..you lost at arm wrestling to a little boy…..a chinese little boy at that…..I can see if it was like a karate competition but arm wrestling hahahahahahahahahahahaha

  10. spinkick said, on June 8, 2006 at 12:41 pm

    i’m a 55 yr old male and one of my friend’s daughters recently turned eleven…
    as we sat by the edge of the pool, she suddenly turned to me and said,(very casually): “I have a vagina…”
    I wish it ended there.
    for the rest of the day, she shared with me all the knowledge an eleven year old girl has about the anatomical differences and advantages that an adult male has over a boy…
    lucky me…

  11. Courage said, on June 8, 2006 at 1:29 pm

    I know how you feel, i have been reading your site since beig posted on festering ass, and somewhat epathinze with you about the things. currently i’m in asia aswell and man its a whoel ne w world keep the posts up. lve to hear that someone else is suffering the same bout as me.

  12. Little Japanese Girl said, on June 8, 2006 at 4:36 pm

    *bamf*
    BREASTS!
    *bamf*

  13. death-by-spoon said, on June 8, 2006 at 4:52 pm

    I still get a kick out of “Bonana” eventhough banana is a cognate.

  14. Godlesswanderer said, on June 15, 2006 at 11:01 pm

    Hahahaha, I keep imagining a little Japanese girl saying “BREASTS!” and disappearing in a little puff of smoke. And a couple of seconds later, hearing “BREASTS!” in the distance.

  15. Rio said, on June 21, 2006 at 8:55 pm

    That little Japanese girl is now my IDOL.
    Maybe I should do that at a bastketball game sometime. “BREASTS!!!”
    Haha.

  16. The Red Man said, on June 28, 2006 at 5:27 am

    so im not the only one they challenge to arm wrestles.
    ahh crowning moment of my entire trip, beating their wrestler champion in year 12 (or the Japanese Equivalent) with my weak nerd arms.
    god my arm was sore.

  17. Kancho assasin said, on July 9, 2006 at 2:08 pm

    He didn’t get beat by a chinese boy, he got beat by a japanese boy. There is a huge difference

  18. Cee said, on July 16, 2006 at 11:00 pm

    HAHAHA, the “4 bonana” story is classic! I’m *dying* with this one. I had promised myself I wouldn’t comment anymore on this site, but damnit that’s hilarious.

  19. huge ackman said, on July 25, 2006 at 3:48 pm

    breastcrawler would make an EXELENT movie!

  20. Romanticide said, on August 5, 2006 at 9:05 pm

    the condom/banana thing kills me everytime I read. God… banana was suposed to be one of the most easy words in the word to say… how you can fail on that…

  21. Revolver said, on August 13, 2006 at 2:40 am

    man, i’m from Brasil, 19, and I read a lot of manga, and man, this words you wrote are completly hilarious!! shit! you’re good!

  22. LordXenophon said, on August 23, 2006 at 8:39 pm

    I know exactly what that little girl is up to. She intended it to ruin your arm wrestling match. Every time she does that, she’s laughing at you for being so uncomfortable hearing that word. Just be glad she didn’t make you teach her how to say a body part that really would make you squirm.

  23. rubba mann said, on September 4, 2006 at 9:26 pm

    BREAST!

  24. Kelly said, on January 15, 2007 at 3:44 pm

    Hey, at least she gets the concept of plurals. Cheers, Az.

  25. Anonymous said, on March 19, 2007 at 1:31 pm

    “you lost at arm wrestling to a little boy…..a chinese little boy at that…..I can see if it was like a karate competition but arm wrestling”
    How do you continue to breathe?

  26. Anonymous said, on March 19, 2007 at 1:31 pm

    “you lost at arm wrestling to a little boy…..a chinese little boy at that…..I can see if it was like a karate competition but arm wrestling”
    How do you continue to breathe?

  27. Anonymous said, on March 19, 2007 at 10:44 pm

    Yeah, Japanese and Chinese are not the same…by the way. This is actually a very important distinction.

  28. Anonymous said, on March 19, 2007 at 10:44 pm

    Yeah, Japanese and Chinese are not the same…by the way. This is actually a very important distinction.

  29. Kyuutatsu said, on July 15, 2007 at 3:15 am

    I’ve been reading these for a bit now, and you’re very animated. Though frankly speaking you’ve strengthened my “i’m not going to japan” attitude quite a bit. though i have to admit this is just gold šŸ™‚


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