My Kids Are Perverted
I’m assigned to three different Japanese middle schools. The grade levels are ichinensei, ninensei, and sannensei. These translate to “1st years,” “2nd years,” and “3rd years,” and are equivalent to American 7-9th grades. So the kids are about 12-15 years old. The ichinensei are just beginning to learn English. So this means they know nothing. Well, they know “Good Morning” and “I go to school by bike” but that’s about it. Some of them don’t even know that.
You know what’s kind of funny though? Some kids can’t yet say “Good morning” but damn near all of them can ask if I have a big dick. Or “bigu dikku” in Engrish.
You see, Japan’s an island no bigger than California, and information about the rest of the world is filtered. There are so few foreigners here, their only impressions of things outside Japan are from the media. And to be honest, they don’t really give a damn about anything other than America. So try to imagine a country where the national perception of you is created by American movies, music, and MTV. When you stop crying and shaking at the sheer horror of that thought, I’ll be here waiting.
Okay? OK. The whole “black men have big dicks” stereotype stretches far and wide, even to the nation’s 12-year-olds. Part of why I’m here is not just to kind-of-sort-of help teach English, but to “broaden cultural perceptions.” Break stereotypes, challenge preconceived notions, all that jazz. That’s fine, but this is one stereotype I think I’m gonna let slide.
Still, I am asked “bigu dikku?” a lot. Every 2-3 days in fact, which is amazing considering I was asked this about 2-3 times in my entire life in America, locker room jokes aside. How do you answer that anyway? To a 12 to 15-year-old? I wave them off and say, “No, no, no.” Then they say, “Oh, sumaru dikku?” (trans: small dick) and of course that’s wrong so I have to correct them. It’s just a no-win situation.
On the days I’m not avoiding that question, I’m avoiding them actually trying to grab it. I kid you not, I have to play Dodgedick with Japanese Jr. High kids on a weekly basis. Age, gender, doesn’t matter, they all want a stab at it. The boys are more persistent though. I had one boy grab for it, and when I said, “No!” he put his hands together and said, in English, “Please!” Oh hell no. Another 12-year-old boy kept grabbing at it, and when I told him, “No!” he politely asked, “Why not?” I began to wonder if there wasn’t some cultural more I didn’t understand. So I said clearly, “Age 10 years and become female since birth, then we’ll talk.” His solution was to ask the girl sitting next to him to trade seats, grab my dick, and tell him about it.
That was so NOT what I meant.
I wish I could say it stops there. Let me introduce you to a game Japanese kids like to play called “Kancho.” It’s not as much a ‘game’ as it is kids clasping their hands together, sticking out their first fingers, and shoving them up your butt. I’m really not joking.
Just about any kid can be a Kancho Assassin. Even the sweetest little girl is liable to jam her fingers up your ass the second you turn around. This happened to one of my friends, which just goes to show – don’t trust anyone. I’d say the little girls are the most dangerous because they have natural ways of lowering your defenses.
During JET orientation they told me a lot of ultimately useless stuff: what kind of computer to bring, if my DVD’s would work, clothing sizes, that kind of nonsense. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, in the 3-4 months of training did anyone ever mention that at some point, a Japanese kid may try to stick his fingers up my butt. That’s something I would have liked to know, personally.
I was pretty lucky. Before I left the US, I bought a really big, really baggy pair of pants. The kids try to Kancho… they just have no idea where my ass is. It’s beautiful! One kid tried and his fingers hit nothing but jean fabric and air. Yes! I’ve also become pretty good at dodging it. Much like Spiderman I have developed a Kancho Sense that tells me where and when it’s coming before it comes. I parry fingers like a pro. My record is still 100% Kancho Free. Ha! America 2, Japan 0.
All in a day’s work I suppose.